My life (Diary version)

My Biological Mom

I can still hear the cries of that little girl when her whole world fell apart. I was only six when she had left, the year of 2010. The breeze from the door rushing to frame, and lock, it blew the last bit of my love for my mom, away for my next six years of sorrow. This was the most life changing experience that had affected me in my 13 years of life.

It was only morning when I heard the screams of a man and woman. The sight of my yard was peaceful, I heard birds singing and chirping in the back round when I had gotten out of bed. As I slowly creek through the hallway to my mom and dad arguing, I can feel my face cringe into a terrified look. Then tears run down my cheeks. I look over to my brother and sister. My brother was just age after baby, sitting in the corner, screaming. My sister yells at my parents, for even we realized how brainless they were for calling all ears to their quarrel. Then, just then, my mom shoves my dad, and he slams the door on his escape from her grasp. That was the last memory of my biological mom and my rundown dad standing together.

My step mom tells me about how I did have a strong connection with my biological mom. How I would often cry at school because she's not there, or I would pout when she had to leave for work. If I did, I wouldn't know. She put me through a sad emotional time when she left us with our dad so she could live in Oklahoma. She broke all our hearts, I refused to miss her because missing her was the worst pain I had ever felt, so I blocked out all the good memories and focused on the bad so I wouldn't love her. If I don't, I wouldn't miss her, and I would continue living in despair, and I'd rather live in despair than hope. I remember for a while when I used to cry myself to sleep knowing that she was gone. I do remember one thing though. This was probably the worst thing she could have ever done to me, to us. She said that she would never leave. My sister and I are laying down wrapped in our biological mom's arms.

"Are you leaving?" My sister asked.

"I'm not going anywhere, I would never leave you. I love you too much." Then what seemed like a day after, I stood right between them in the doorway.

"Who are you going to stay with!?" My mom shouted at me.

"I don't know! I want to stay with both of you!" Then I break down to cry. I still wonder why anyone would ever put their child in that position.

I run to my room in tears after she walked out that door. At least all that she has put me through has made me stronger. After everything she's done, we still have to call her for reasons I don't care for. We all run, cry, and only handle the negative things she throws at us, over my the phone. She can only hurt us, forgiveness isn't an option anymore. Constantly she is visiting, promising to stay forever. Though she'd leave within the week because of her selfish choices. We talk almost once a week or more about how if she really did love us, she's proved she loved herself more. I remember once when she had another one of her famous excuses to go.

"My aunt is dying, I need to go back for about a week." Then she is gone for a year.

When this had happened, later on, our 'Oma' (our German grandma) tells us our mom just came back to come back. Her aunt was fine (never sick).

Our step mom protected us from her, in any and every way she could. She has also protected us from ourselves. Our anger, sadness, hate. My step mom tells me everyday she loves me, she takes us out to do things, takes care of us. She has been the same amount of loving and caring, probably more, for six years straight. My step mom is an angel, and has been for the six years of sadness and depression my biological mom has given us.

(My memory is a little fuzzy but this is what I can remember. But all accurate sure.)