Savanna Synesael
A Look into Depression
May 22nd, 2016
The report card comes floating through the air. You're failing four classes. Why don't you try harder? Same accusation every report card. They don't see how hard you have to try just to complete one assignment. The thoughts race through your head. Seeing the look of disappointment on your parents' faces breaks your heart. The depression seeping through your brain is like a black cloud every happy thought turns negative. "You're a failure. You ruin everything. You're unlovable." Your own mind is screaming at you. You can't run from it. You promise your parents you'll do better. The same promise will be broken sooner or later. Depression always wins.
School is supposed to be helpful and important, if that's the case why do I want to die every time I step into the brick building of hell? No amount of therapy or any amount of pills is helping me through this. I know I have people who care but they care at all the wrong times. Suicidal thoughts don't ever stop. I need them to care all the time not just when it suits them. Every time I walk down the long hallways of my school I smile and wave at everyone who talks to me but on the inside I'm screaming at myself for saying something wrong, for stuttering, for being a plain walking mess up.
They all see me as that outgoing, annoying, bright girl but really my brain is screaming at me every time I get an answer wrong. Things get so twisted and bent inside my brain, it turns everything negative. You look really nice today! "You can't honestly think they meant that? You look terrible as always, you should just off yourself." I try to ignore the screams, the vicious bites of myself tearing into my happiest moments tainting them, ruining them. I can only truly express myself through my writing and my hair.
To get one assignment done I have to go through a long process of crying and pleading with myself. I want to be successful, seriously I do. I want to grow up and be an author but there's times when it would be so relieving to just end it all. My head is constantly pounding with thoughts of suicide and self-hatred. It's hard to absorb more information when your head is already packed full with thoughts of dying. I can't focus on the work at hand because my brain wanders off into a state of darkness and fear of myself. No one knows how badly I want to break down everyday. Everyone puts so much pressure on me. I'm not a straight A student. I don't often understand what's happening in school. Stop acting so disappointed in me and please notice how hard I'm truly trying.
This is a lesson. Trust me there are so many kids around you secretly wanting to die. They don't understand what the point is anymore. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming we all stumble downhill. If you know someone has depression please be kind to them and try your best to help them. They're going through a lot.
