Her

First Kiss

I fantasised about her all day. Nobody could never know of course. I was a girl. It would just be weird if I liked another girl. That is according to others anyway. Her pale skin, the sprinkle of freckles across her nose, her slender hands or her obsession with bands. She messages me a lot. Just to talk about random shit or how much of a dick some boy currently was being to her.

She was standing alone outside the bookcenter, one leg perched against the wall, staring at her phone. My heart fluttered when I saw her. She was wearing an off the shoulder top and skinny jeans with flowers embroidered onto them. I took her in and slowly approached her. Her eyes lit up when she saw me and she said "Hey!" with a friendly hug that I want to live in and never escape from. We had arranged to meet here since this was the spot. Everyone in our friendship group always met up here, since it was the one place everyone undoubtedly knew.

We wandered around the town, laughing the time away. We went to clothes stores and tried on expensive dresses we couldn't afford and took pictures in them. I could imagine us, as a couple just going out to a fancy dinner. Our anniversary maybe? She
tried on a dark green, off the shoulder dress with black lace at the neckline. I went for a maroon one with a slit down the side. We strutted around the changing room and laughed at each other's posh voiced impressions. Gosh, that laugh. I'd do anything to make her laugh. Her eyes crinkled and a tiny dimple appeared on her cheek when she did. I adored it. And her.

We ended up back at the bookstore and got a drinks in the cafe part and cuddled up into a couch. We read together for ages, yet it felt like no time at all. She ordered hot chocolate with no marshmallows and extra cinnamon. I got a mocha. After some time had passed, she nuzzled closer to me and lay her head on my lap. My heart skipped a beat. Cautiously, I put my hand on her head and gently scratched her head. She stopped reading for a moment to smile up at me. I was so.. content.

Eventually, it had to come to an end. We stopped outside and said our goodbyes. I lingered for a moment. I had fantasised kissing her in this moment so many times. I had it all planned out, I could do it if I really wanted to. She pulled me in for a friendly goodbye and then as I was pulling away I held her at arms length away. I start to lean in and saw her eyebrows furrow in confusion. I suddenly stopped as I watch her eyes go wide in realisation of what I was about to do. My hands drop to my sides and I started to quickly walk away. Tears stung my eyes as I told myself how stupid I was for attempting that.

"Bea, wait!" She calls after me. I keep walking. I feel a hand grab my arm and I am spun around. She raises her arm and I think she going to slap me until her arm snakes behind my neck. Giving me a sly smile, pulls my head closer and she closes her eyes. Suddenly her lips are on mine and she's kissing me but I'm just standing there in shock. I thought about this moment so many times and now that it was finally happening I couldn't do anything except stand in shock.

Once she realised I wasn't responding to the kiss she quickly pulled away, with a look of disappointment and confusion. "I thought you wanted-" I interrupt her by kissing her again. Her eyes widen in shock but she quickly reacts. She kisses me back and there are fireworks going off in my mouth and it's so cliché but oh so perfect. Her lips are smooth and the kiss is soft and gentle. Her hands slowly run through my hair and I pull her waist closer. My hands trail up her waist, touching the bare skin of her shoulders and run down her long, straight her. They go back to her waist and she deepens the kiss. She tastes like cinnamon. Her hands stop roaming my hair and nestle at my neck which causes a chain reaction of goosebumps.

She eventually breaks away from me and smiles gently. Her ginger hair still looks perfect and she looks at me with her green doe eyes. "I'll call you later, okay?" She asked. "Okay." I replied, still smiling and blushing. "I had fun today.." I added. A look of panic surfaces in her eyes for a split second but she quickly replaces it with a smile and says "yeah, yeah me too..." She trails off. She paused for a moment before adding "let's just keep this between us for now, okay? Our little secret?" "Sure" I reply.

She gives me a lingering kiss on the check before walking away backwards, keeping eye contact. She finally gives me a small wave and a coy smile as she turns around and walked away. I realised I was head over heels for her.

***

My phone buzzed and my heartbeat quickened. I grabbed it and read her name on the screen. I stopped myself from answering and counted to five. I didn't want to seem like I was waiting for a call. Not that I was. At all.

"Bea, hey!" She says. "Oh hi Molly," I reply. "So about earlier.." I continue. She cuts me off by saying, "Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Listen Bea, you're great and all.." She trailed off. My heart sank as I slowly realised what was happening. "I just don't want you getting the wrong idea. Today was just for fun. An experiment. Look no hard feelings but it meant nothing okay? I don't want people to think I'm a lesbian!" She concluded. I felt the anger bubbling inside me. I had a crush on her for three fucking years and I was always afraid to make a move and now she has the audacity to toy with me? "Oh poor fucking you!" I yelled into my phone. "Yeah cause in fucking 2017 it's not socially acceptable to be fucking GAY! I was going to make a move and I stopped. You initiated that kiss and I saw the lust in your eyes so don't you damn tell me it was a fucking MISTAKE" I screamed. Hot angry tears streamed down my face and I let out an unintentional sob. "Bea, I-I'm sorry okay? I didn't realise how strongly you felt. I was just caught up in the moment."

I felt an overwhelming amount of anger and sadness. This started off as the dry anger, the kind where your firm and strong and closed off. Now the wet anger had begun, where your voice wobbles and tears stream down your face and you seem weak. I didn't want to seem vulnerable after what she did.

"Fuck. You." I whispered angrily. Without giving her another chance to speak, I hung up.