Atelophobia ; Phan

Chapter Three

The rain trickles through my hair and slips down my face, mingling with my tears. I feel numb and I'm unsure if that's because of the cold or because her words were so evil they were like swimming in a pool of sharp slabs of ice. My black, shiny shoes that I wear with the rented tuxedo trail through puddles and my tux is so soaked it shines, but I don't really notice the damp clothes that cling to my skin. Her words echo around me like she's screamed them through a tunnel, and my ear was at the end of it.

A car goes by, splashing me heavily with rain water and I barely flinch.

With just the aimlessness of me walking and my suitcase rolling behind me, my mind wanders to that night. You know, the one where my home life completely fell apart. Even though it reopens the gash in my heart, I know refusing to think about what happened won't help. Sometimes your brain needs to review the situation, help yourself to understand that it wasn't as bad as it seemed or just help yourself forget.

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It was for my birthday, the dinner. Not something I necessarily wanted or asked for, but a nice gesture all the same.

Posh platters of delicious food and tiny pools of ruby red wine in crystal glasses to share and enjoy with a few friends, close family members outside of the household, that kind of thing. The table was buzzing alive with constant conversation, a few hearty laughs, and I could honestly say I felt content. I felt I could do anything I wanted, especially with Dan by my side.

Dan is and was my only friend, really, so I invited him along eagerly. Well, Dans title wasn't exactly 'friend', not the type my parents meant anyway. Of course, I didn't tell them that. I couldn't just say : "I'm inviting my boyfriend Dan over to dinner, is that alright?" They didn't even know my sexuality, let alone my relationship with another man.

So, Dan was with me. Dan was smiling encouragingly and throwing his charm at my parents and the whole table appeared to take a great shine to him. He was funny, polite, not overly confident and took the dinner - which was actually quite important to us, what with him finally meeting the family and all - in his stride. I had a feeling it was something to do with all that wine he had seemed to consume rather quickly, because he was a full on wreck of nerves before arriving.

The more dinner progressed, I had a little itch in me that fed my brain an idea. A crazy one, but an idea that seemed to fit so perfectly at the time. Because this way, everyone knows. I get to see everyone's real reaction, and I almost felt giddy. With excitement? With fear? Maybe a mixture of the both. Dans hand latched onto mine secretively under the table, and the minuscule confidence pulsating within me bloomed dramatically at our contact. It was that moment I knew I was going to say it at this dinner, I was going to open up and become my true self.

My brain didn't really want to dwell on the reaction it could cause. Like a chemical reaction, where the ending result can never be changed back. Perhaps in some cases it could, but in this case, in this chemical reaction, nothing was going to change back to normal. I didn't see that at the time. Why didn't I see that?

The scraps of the meal were moved to the kitchen and a wonderfully created cake replaced it all. It was a simple sponge, but smoothed over with pure white icing and pretty, frosted flowers on top, surrounded in little white swirls. A single candle burned a small flame. I closed my eyes tightly and made a wish.

"What did you wish for?" My Auntie June asked, after I'd killed the candles fire.

"He can't tell you! It's bad luck," Dan said, a grin sheepishly had appeared on his face.