Mr.Alpha Meet Ms.Badass * MAJOR EDITING in PROGRESS

Back at it again

Hello people of the world.

Yes I rise from the ashes . *Slaps knee*  (get it Halloween just ended hehehe)

But seriously guys I feel like I should inform you on my life and know WHY I stopped updating.

~continue if you dare~
------

So about a month or two ago I was in deep.

You know that big dark hole u can never see the bottom,  well I was in that hole seeing only the stars from the top.

I lost me,  for the first and actual time I lost me , my being,  my self worth.  I couldn't take the constant over bearings at home and that night I was ready to... Take my life.

To exit that hole was like a dream at the time and I wanted to make it reality. I wanted to stop crying at night, stop doubting my self,  stop the yelling stop, the verbal abuse,  stop the disappointment.  I had it all,  the plan everything ready to go....

And I stopped,  and cried , internally screaming I was to weak,  I couldn't even do this...

I went to school not saying a word and no one knew but only acted out everyday,  a week came and I decided to trying again, a different approach,  but somehow one part of me said no,  so I forced my self to the office a d explained what happened and how I feel and how I've been trying to get help no one,  not even my mother wanted to help me.

It's like a I was drowning and no one was coming for me.  My mother had found out yet again that her daughter (yes I'm a girl)  might have depression.  And what happened that day made me want to leave.

Leave this world filled with hate and sorrow,  and little love.  I tried again,  back to plan A sitting their and I wimped out.  Instead caused pain.... to me.  Which I haven't did in so long.

I felt lost,  can you blame a girl? I couldnt even figure the class work I had to do. I wanted , I wished to have god send me home, my rightful home. Whats funny is that out of all my crying fits in class the the dark clouds that attacted my brain, the one who asked me if I was alright was a teacher who kicked me out her class, I told her "family stuff was why I was on borderline cry." She bugged me until I told her I'm going throw a little depression,  she was satisfied and continued my life.

After two days of pain I couldnt bring myself to hurt...to yell...to even sing like I used to. All i wanted was relief. To take that monster off me and finally let go.  Every small fucking thing got to me,  and life at home wasn't better.

I was told The reason everyone wants to rid of me is because I can't shut up...The irony.

I was told this a lot,  also other thing that I won't say for the sake of God and all the good people.  Just along the lines of wishing to rid me.

Around that time I had accepted failure.  I was domed but not hopeless.

Recently I was lied on pushed and put down and the irony it was my mom... I could go all day about she says daily but what she said hurt me in the heart that I thought was safely hidden  along with my emotions and it was "I love your little brother,  I like you two" and in this moment you would think of it as a sarcastic joke but,  really... It was another argument and it lead to that.

I stopped talking much and started to think more about what to live for,  but it's hard when everyday your given a reason to give up. I wish I could hug and trust and laugh like I use to but no ...that is a memory.

I told you this to let you know I'm not neglecting you all , I was just trying to figure stuff out...

I can't tell you everything or every small details because its my problem. I don't want to burden but know I have given u the tip of the iceberg.

I'm trying to get help but....I don't know what's wrong with me,  and I cry when I type tis because I'm scared.  So much physical changes are happening and I hurt or I can only observe while the stress and saddness eats at me ,and let me tell you seeing random rash spots go on your skin is scary, and knowing your feeding it is scarier. The closest I've found out was from a hospital nurse saying I may have anxiety or anxiety disorder, but I was told by my family I'm faking. But I know something is wrong and I won't stop till I find out.

I just need to find my self and help myself before it's to late. 

I was told to delete my account on here.

But I said no.  This is my family here... You guys are my motivation  ...my will.  I hope not to scare you or upset you . Only to let you know I love you,

Ora

P. S.

Books will TRY TO BE UPDATED

P. P. S.

Wish me luck