Kidnapped by Kylo Ren (Star Wars)

Chapter One-Hundred-Eighteen

Author's Note: Sorry again for my sudden two-month disappearance! I still love this website and love this book and hopefully I'll be able to start updating more frequently and finish this thing! I've missed this!

I would advise re-reading the past chapter or maybe the past few chapters to update and remember where we left off. In short: Nira brought Leia to The First Order's base and is having Kylo Ren talk with his mother for the first time in a long time. 

Recap: Leia replied quietly, "Of course not. I could never hate you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me."

"Not even for . . . For Han?" I breathed with much shame.

"Never in an infinite amount of years could I hate you, or dislike you, or not love you, Ben."

I found that hard to believe but I knew that my mother was a literal war general and I knew she wouldn't lie to me about something like this.

My throat constricted and my eyes filled with actual tears of relief. I was in the middle of space but I felt like I was on top of the universe. I forced the tears out by blinking hard.

No amount of happiness I had ever felt compared to the joy I felt in that moment. Leia had forgiven me for the sins I had committed against her. She didn't hate me; no, not at all. In fact, my mother loved me, and it was the best feeling I had ever, ever felt. 

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When I had woken up that morning I did not think for the smallest second that I would be letting my guard down that day. Nira completely surprised me by her actions. I was aware that she had traveled to the Resistance's base without permission but I hadn't seen this coming. 

In the past few years I have felt an indestructible, gaping emotional barrier between my mother and I. This barrier I felt was certainly not without reasoning; for starters, we worked in enemy organizations that only vied for the other's blood. Also the fact that I left our family for the dark side while I was young probably didn't help, either. 

The most prominent reason as to why I felt the indivisible gap between my mother and I was because I killed her soulmate. I killed my father, but more importantly, I killed Leia's soulmate, and I killed him in such a way that there was no burial, and there was no final, meaningful glance at his body or into his eyes.

Yes, there may have been a grand memorial service in honor of Han Solo and all he has done for the light side of the Force in his grand years of life, but no body was present to properly recognize and respect -- only meaningless pictures, memories, and a whisper of his soul. 

That's how I imagined the funeral, anyways. Han's body fell down the oscillator and then the oscillator, along with the entire planet, was blown up. There was no chance of any intact remains. 

But here she was; Leia Organa, my mother, in the flesh, hugging me, telling me that she loves me. 

I was in disbelief. 

For the first moments of our reuniting, I was overjoyed. I was astounded that Leia still beheld love for me even after all that I've done to hurt her. 

Then I felt self-disgust. I realized how selfish it was of me to rejoice and relish her everlasting motherly love for me. 

After all that I'd done to her there was no way I deserved her love. 

I pulled away from her and looked down at her. Leia looked surprised at the way I had withdrawn myself. 

"I am undeserving of what you're giving me. Why? Why do you love me? I am truly the most despicable son." I scrutinized Leia, because my shocked, joyful disbelief that my mother still loved me was beginning to turn into plain disgusted disbelief.