her

she was beautiful.  not pretty, but beautiful. for me, she wasn't just a friend. she could never be just a friend.

and then it happened. late at night, on my phone, having one of those conversations i lived for. and everything changed when she said those words. i like you.

i guess i should've been happy, she felt the same way. instead, i felt the crashing wave of fear wash over me. she liked me. how could someone like her be interested in someone like me?
i was one of the biggest dicks in the year, i was popular and arrogant.

i guess that's what made me do it in the end. the fact that a girl like her could never do anything to deserve scum like me.

and so i blocked her number and all her social media accounts. the conversations i so dearly loved just stopped. and now when she sees me, her eyes go cold, her expression stony.

i won't ever find anyone like her again. nothing will ever compare to our conversations, our easy relationship. but i must accept what i did, that i was the one to drive this impenetrable wedge between us. that now when she sees me, she thinks of the horrible thing i did, how i stopped everything we had without explanation.

now when we pass each other at school, no smiles are exchanged. class is almost unbearable when i see her flash her dazzling smile at her friends or when her laugh floats towards me. she'll never smile like that again, not for me, not because of me. her laugh will haunt my mind, the laugh that i'll never receive, the one reserved only for those worthy.

and when she isn't looking i stare at her, i think back on how great it was before i ruined it.

but no matter what happens, no matter how bad it feels without her, i know it was for the best.

she's better off without me, better off seeing me laugh with my friends, annoy the teachers, and act like a total dick, ignoring the hollow feeling inside me.

ignoring the pain i inflicted.

ignoring the best thing that ever happened to me.

ignoring her.