The Last Hero

It all started when our hero, Lucy Jenkins, woke up in a thicket. It was the first time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly pleased, Lucy Jenkins poked a stapler, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few minutes later, she realized that her beloved iPad was missing! Immediately she called her sworn enemy, Ben Sparrow. Lucy Jenkins had known Ben Sparrow for (plus or minus) 153 years, the majority of which were sassy ones. Ben Sparrow was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... pestering. Lucy Jenkins called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Ben Sparrow picked up to a very ecstatic Lucy Jenkins. Ben Sparrow calmly assured her that most wallabies yawn before mating, yet beavers usually charismatically turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Lucy Jenkins. Why was Ben Sparrow trying to distract Lucy Jenkins? Because he had snuck out from Lucy Jenkins's with the iPad only eight days prior. It was a sassy little iPad... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Lucy Jenkins got back to the subject at hand: her iPad. Ben Sparrow cringed. Relunctantly, Ben Sparrow invited her over, assuring her they'd find the iPad. Lucy Jenkins grabbed her hibachi and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Ben Sparrow realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Lucy Jenkins took the ricer, he had take at least three minutes before Lucy Jenkins would get there. But if she took the Mini Cooper? Then Ben Sparrow would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Ben Sparrow was interrupted by seven stupid horses that were lured by his iPad. Ben Sparrow cringed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he deftly reached for his butterknife and aptly poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Mini Cooper rolling up. It was Lucy Jenkins.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of butterknifes, so she knew she was running late. With a inept leap, Lucy Jenkins was out of the Mini Cooper and went charismatically jaunting toward Ben Sparrow's front door. Meanwhile inside, Ben Sparrow was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of spoons and then slid the box behind his desk. Ben Sparrow was displeased but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Ben Sparrow earnestly purred. With a heroic push, Lucy Jenkins opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying tool in a Pontiac Aztec,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Ben Sparrow assured her. Lucy Jenkins took a seat nearby where Ben Sparrow had hidden the iPad. Ben Sparrow belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Lucy Jenkins was distracted. Without warning, Ben Sparrow noticed a clueless look on Lucy Jenkins's face. Lucy Jenkins slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Ben Sparrow felt a stabbing pain in his arm when Lucy Jenkins asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Lucy Jenkins's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's spoons from when she used to have pet wallabies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Lucy Jenkins nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Ben Sparrow could react, Lucy Jenkins deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.

Lucy Jenkins stared at Ben Sparrow for what what must've been four minutes. Soon afterward, Ben Sparrow groped sassily in Lucy Jenkins's direction, clearly desperate. Lucy Jenkins grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. Ben Sparrow let out a sassy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Lucy Jenkins,' he rebuked. Ben Sparrow always had been a little abrasive, so Lucy Jenkins knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Ben Sparrow did something crazy, like... start chucking butterknifes at him or something. Subsequently, she gripped her iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Ben Sparrow looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Lucy Jenkins. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Lucy Jenkins. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Ben Sparrow walked over to the window and looked down. Lucy Jenkins was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Lucy Jenkins was struggling to make her way through the pumpkin patch behind Ben Sparrow's place. Lucy Jenkins had severely hurt her foot during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral horses suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to Lucy Jenkins. Already weakened from her injury, Lucy Jenkins yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of horses running off with her iPad.

About nine hours later, Lucy Jenkins awoke, her foot throbbing. It was dark and Lucy Jenkins did not know where she was. Deep in the mysterious forest, Lucy Jenkins was extraordinarily lost. Rather abruptly, she remembered that her iPad was taken by the horses. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life. That's when, to her horror, a shrunken horse emerged from the bush. It was the alpha horse. Lucy Jenkins opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the horse sunk its teeth into Lucy Jenkins's abdomen. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Lucy Jenkins's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than nine miles away, Ben Sparrow was entombed by anguish over the loss of the iPad. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened stapler. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his back. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Lucy Jenkins... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the iPad that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant horses, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(