Was that...?

Un-Friendship

"Talha, you are officially sad," I chuckled as I patted his shoulder. 

"I am not!" he protested.

Obviously I wasn't listening, I carried on laughing. 

"Bro come on, you know I'm a fun guy. Being married just means I'll have new priorities, new commitments..." 

"Yep, sad. Just as I said," I interrupted. "Look at you, you're 18 and already engaged. I know you've always been the good religious guy and all, but really? Most other guys our age would be out living their lives, building their careers, exploring their options." 

He looked at me - I'd have thought pityingly if I didn't know better - and sighed, "I don't need options. I am already fulfilled." 

I didn't believe it but for the sake of getting off the topic I stated, "If you say so. I don't know how you can be fulfilled with so little." 

"See, that's the trouble with desires," he started. Uh oh. "They never let you stay happy with what you have. They always nibble at your soul, always tell you to get more, do more, be more. That's what's so helpful about submitting your will to Allah; HE gives satisfaction through the littlest of things..." 

"Stop right there. You know I don't like that kind of talk." 

He sucked his lips in to stop himself, and it was then we noticed we'd stopped walking. As I jolted my eyes around I glimpsed a Tesco's, a Mcdonald's and a bus garage. We carried on. 

"Interesting isn't it?" said Talha. 

"What is?" 

"Only 2, 3 years ago we were in exactly the opposite boats. You were the one looking to marry young and I was just like everybody else. You were going to go uni in Saudi and become a hafiz and I was fixated on dunya." 

"Things change. What's your point?" 

"No point, really. I was just wondering what happened to you." 

My breathing slowed and my brows tensed. I hoped - for his sake - that despite his religiosity he was savvy enough to notice my anger. 

That hope was dashed. 

"I mean, I was lost and you were found. Now I'm found and you're lost." 

Arrogant prick. 

"And on what basis do you claim I'm lost?"

"Well just look at us. I'm finally happy in my life because I found the diyn, and you're searching for a purpose because you gave it up." 

I wasn't having that. 

"For the sake of our friendship I'm politely telling you to shut your raasclaat mouth right now. I already told you, I've found my purpose. It's just not based on traditional morality or 'grand' spiritual pursuits anymore but on my own goals and feelings." 

"Trust me Abdullah, I know what you're..." 

"No you don't! You know what you went through, you know fuck-all about what I'm going through! Oh, and it's not going to be Abdullah anymore." 

He grimaced like he was genuinely sad for me, which angered me further. "Such a beautiful..." 

"No, Talha, no. 'Slave of God' is not a beautiful name. It can only be beautiful to the ears of some pervert who's high on that 'reclamation' bollocks, like those dipshits 'reclaiming' the n-word." 

"What happened to make you hate the diyn so much?" 

"I already told you! Is this new faith already dulling your mind so you nuh remember nutt'n?" I felt the curious eyes of bypassers and people in the shops pointing at me but I couldn't care less. 

"I remember but... I just can't understand how you and I can read the same book and have opposite opinions of it." I could see the creases in his chocolate forehead deepening as they do when he gets perplexed. His fingers reached for the tight black coils of his beard. 

I rolled my eyes and fumed, "See, that's yet another example of religion blinding you to basic facts of life. People are different. People's psychological natures are different. One size does not fit all, not with clothes, not with moral principles, not with anything, and anyone who can't accept that is a straight-up bigot. I could only grasp that once I turned murtad, and it's proven true so many times." 

Of course he shook his head in knee-jerk disagreement. 

"Raatid. So you don't even agree that there are differences between people. You can't even agree there are people with different skin colours, different heights, different genders, different languages..."

"Of course brother, but those are all differences in body. They don't count for shit to Allah ta'ala."

"Different experiences, different lives, different personalities which create differences in how well religions will suit them?"

"Nah, there's just something wrong with those people," he started.

What are you gonna do about us different people? You gonna do hudood on us? Flog us with 100 lashes, stone us to death, imprison us til we convert and all the rest?" I kissed my teeth and laughed as I noticed I was hitting a nerve. 

 "You know we don't do that."

"Don't lie to me! That is total bollocks!" This time I made sure to talk over him. "Read the ahadiyth. Read Islamic history. That is the standard procedure for ex-believers in muslim lands. We're not in no 7th century Arabian desert no more, we're in a civilised 21st century society. Relatively civilised."

Again he tried to talk but I cut in over him again. "Religious types can't tolerate people getting too intelligent. That's why you're always told to just have iman and obey the commands, don't question how good they are or what effects they'll have. Iman, iman, iman, nothing else."

Talha huffed in annoyance & disappointment. "I thought you were better than that."

"Y'what?"

"You knew so much about the diyn man. How can you say such things?"

"Do your ears hear anything?!? How many fucking times do I have to say the same fucking ting? It's because I've learned so much about the diyn that I know how shit it is! I'm the one who studied in Saudi, I'm the one who wanted to become a hafiz, I'm the one who read the entire Qur'an in English & Arabic, so are you seriously going to tell me you know this religion better than me?"

He kept quiet.

"Are you seriously going to tell me you're a better Muslim than I was just because you're gettting married?"

"No," he conceded.

"Are you seriously going to tell me that you never used to look up to me back in primary and secondary 'cause I was soooo pure and unwavering?

"And I was the only real friend you had 'cause I was the only other Caribbean Muslim in school and all the bloodclaat Turks & Pakis didn't wanna know you!"

He couldn't bring himself to answer.

"Right," I finished. "So don't tell me about being better or not better than nutt'n."

"But..."

"But? What d'ya mean but? But nothing!" I fumed. The hate I felt for him was so strong I could've ripped the Qur'an out of his jacket pocket and shat on it right in front of him, but I continued, "You know what, you're not a proper friend at all. You're so fixed on this diyn crap, you can't even care about others' opinions and experiences!

"Don't talk to me, ever again."