Just Break My Heart, Like My Mind

Chapter 1: Nina (Trigger Warning)

I look out into the night sky and see the full moon, I reach my hand up and just stare towards the sky wanting, longing to fly away from this dreaded world. So much pain. How much longer do I have to keep fighting to keep living? I am so tired of my mind because it kills me more at night than anything. The silence of the world kills me and the pain of tomorrow is just waiting to attack me. The humiliation of those stupid popular girls hurts me, I am slowly breaking in my mind. I stare at the sky and see different patterns in the sky. I remember the pain of today from the vicious attacks of my dad, but I often wonder why I don't have the bruises, all I have on my body is cuts. Not deep cuts, but just enough to break my skin and make me bleed. I bleed and let the pain flow through since it shows I'm still alive, I don't want to keep doing this to see if I'm alive, but I keep doing it because I need to feel the pain. The cold blade against my rough skin feels good in a bad way. I have been abused for a little over a month now and it just hurts how much pain I'm in. What did I do to deserve this? Why must I keep fighting? It hurts too much to think, I've been thinking to much. I just keep staring into the sky remembering how I used to smile so brightly and be silly, where did she go? Where did that happy little girl from before go. She used to twirl around with a tutu and be a ballerina. She used to sing so adorably too, with long, dark chocolate brown hair. Olive skin and a crooked smile with dimples. She never felt what true pain was, the only pain she feels is when she fell to the ground in pain and hurt her knees. Though each time she fell her father was there to pick her up and bandage her up and let her go outside and try again she cried when she fell, but always felt better afterwards and kept going and was so happy. Riding the bike by herself. Later she grew and was dancing by herself in her room because of how shy she was and sung with a strong voice, but kept it hidden because of how shy she was. She was a good student and never failed a class even up to now. But she is not me, she is different from me, but a part of me. I kept watch of the sky still looking for patterns. There was a soft breeze in the air, that moved my hair gently. My hair was past my breasts but not past my lower back. I had my hair dyed at the tips with a lilac color with deep purple at the ends. I had okayish skin, but I didn't agree, I felt like I didn't belong in the world and I hated it. I just wanted to fall away, but yet I'm staying alive. I got up and went inside, locking the door behind me and going to my room. I lay on my bed since I had already taken a shower and just wanted to lay there. I stayed up and my mind attacked and I couldn't do it and cut my thighs and stomach, so many slashes across my skin, so much pain from scratching at them to make them bleed. I didn't go to the shower I didn't want to let myself shower now. I sat in silence until I finally passed out from being so tired.