From Cries to Crazy

07/03/15 (part 1)

"You good for nothing peice of shit!"

Her words enter through my right ear drum and echo through the caves of my mind. Beating down on my conscience like an African drum over and over again only to exit out my left ear drum out into the space around us, or as I like to call it. HELL.

Mum would usually shout, scream and rant at this time. 7 am. Half an hour before I have to catch the bus to the mini Hell. School. Land of the jocks and circus of the freaks. Otherwise known as nerds, geeks, air heads, and outcasts. One of which I am. Outcast.

It's become a routine of ours. I sit, she screams, I ignore, she continues to rant and rave. The bus comes, I grab my brown paper bag filled with air to make it look like I packed a lunch and she just continues. Except after I'm gone, she shifts her energy toward my dad.

Now as one would expect, I should feel sorry for him. I should feel so horrible that poor defenceless father has to deal with this "she-devil".... but I don't. Yes that's right, you read that 100% right. I don't feel bad for him.

He's no better than she is. In fact.... he's worse. He doesn't just use his words, that much I know. They won't ever let me see, but i can tell. He uses much more than words to cut through the night. Oh yeah. Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean I can't hear it. The yelping for help, the screeches of pain that are released from my mother's lips.

Yeah, they sound proofed the house so that nobody can hear them from the outside of the house.... but I can still hear them from the inside.

'What about your siblings? Surely it must affect them to?'

Yes, it did effect them.... until they were gone.

My younger brother Daniel, he past away due to muscular dystrophy at the age of 7. I was ten. This was 5 years ago.

My older brother Cade. He died in a horrible fire that had engulfed his car after being hit by a truck on the highway, while going on a trip to visit grandma Agnus. This happened last year December.

Grandma Agnas had a heart attack after she found out Cade had perished in a terrible fire. Oh don't worry, she's alive... but she thinks that his death is her fault. Poor old lady won't stop crying about it.

Due to my brother's deaths, that leaves me an only child. A forgotten only child. The only child of the Ravens family left. How unfortunate.

Sure, mum and dad loved me with all their hearts... when they were alive. But as far as arguments go nowadays. According to them I was a mistake. I wasn't planned like Daniel or Cade. I wasn't even supposed to exist.

Bassically, to them I'm a curse child. I have no idea why they might think or perceive that, but that's what they tell me. Day in and day out, everyday, 24/7. I can never hear enough of it.

After they died. I was ignored, invisible, imaginary. That's when the arguments started happening more frequently. All my happy memories were replaced be memories or grousum breakouts and abuse. Shit loads of it. It was dumped on me and I didn't have a choice of whether or not I wanted or needed the insults, abuse and ridicule.

Maybe that's the only thing I should be hearing, mistake, curse, abomination, disappointment, shameful creation. Maybe it'll give me a sense of identity. Never again will I be the outcast at school anymore. Oh no. I'll be the basket case. Way better title, don't you think?

Beep beep!

That's the bus.

I grab my school bag and fling it over my right shoulder, letting it hit me on my back as it lands. The thud is actually quite satisfying. It reminds me that I'll be out of this war zone and will be transported to a smaller battle soon.