No one remembers you Tyler Joseph.
No one remembers how you dusted off your black shoes every hour.
No one remembers what you ordered from the cafeteria, two apples and a hamburger, no beetroot.
No one remembers the blue nail polish you wore everyday without fail.
No one remembers your fear of stepping on the pavement cracks.
Or the way you had to approach every staircase from the right.
The way you would line up your things on your desk.
Pencil case, top left. Book; bottom middle. Drink bottle; top right. Calculator; top middle
Nor the way you filled your drink bottle to the second line.
But I do.
I remember.
I remember the way you laced your shoes, the first three over and through, and the other three under and through.
I remember the number of freckles on your right arm, as I always sat just to the left of you in maths (you probably never noticed me) , where I watched you draw exact margins with a ruler that never saw a dent in its life. Five, five freckles. All the perfect shade of brown.
Well, to say no one remembered you would be a lie.
Everyone remembered your obsession
A lot of people remember the way you religiously wiped your locker after school. No matter how late you were.
A lot of people remember how every lunch you would pour out your wallet to count your money.
A lot of them remember how you would skip school if someone was sick. In fear of catching a deadly disease.
A lot of people remember you.
But not how they should.
I remember the day you didn't turn up to school.
That day I sat at your lunch table
I sat at your desk in maths. In a hopeless bid to fill myself with memories of you.
'Get out your book and write Dun!'
Write I did.
'Come back Tyler Joseph'
'Come back Tyler Joseph'
'Come back Tyler Joseph'
My pen was frantic. It screamed out the words I kept inside.
'See me after class'
I couldn't. I just couldn't.
How could I explain that I was a mess
I was a mess who was in love with a boy with a diagnosed fear of mess
They'd all think I was crazy
There's nothing wrong with being crazy is there?
You were crazy Tyler Joseph.
A beautiful crazy.
Falling in love with someone you can't have is like jumping across an abyss far beyond your reach. You know it's impossible but you try anyway. You try and you get hurt.
I hope you are enjoying the hospital. I know hospitals are very sanitized so maybe you would be happier there. Maybe you met someone
Someone neat
Someone clean
Do you laugh with him?
I've never heard your laugh. But I know. I know it's the most beautiful laugh in the world.
I bet he gives you a lot of attention.
I wish I could give you attention.
I wish you had noticed me
I wish you had turned your head in math once. I wish I could of looked your in the eyes.
I wish I could of been engulfed in the sea of brown they hold.
My mind is constantly filled with you. Are you enjoying your stay? Inside my head? Cause I'm not sure if I enjoy it. I'm not sure if anything anymore. My mind is very cloudy. My father yells cause my grades are down. And my mother cries because of my silence and his noise. She says it brings back memories. I'm not sure what she means. I can't figure out anything.
I'm both happy and sad and can't figure out how that is
I cry a lot Tyler Joseph
I know you disliked crying but I can't help it.
Maybe if you were here I wouldn't cry.
Did you know, Tyler? That everyday the heart creates enough energy for a truck to drive 20 miles? In a life time that is equivalent to driving to the moon and back.
So to say 'I love you to the moon and back' you're essentially saying you love that person with all the blood your heart pumps in a lifetime.
And I'm scared to admit I love you to the moon and back.
Because if I admit it then it's real.
And I need that blood Tyler.
I need it to live.
But you have stole it.
And now I can't live on.
Because you stole it and left.
And I don't know how to do this anymore.
I'm sorry Tyler Joseph.
Your life was so neat.
And I was a mess.
I was a mess with scars on his arms and demons in his head
And you were a dove with screams in your head of cleanliness or death
I guess we're both psychos
We're both crazy
We both had obsessions
And mine was you
I write this from a bridge with icy waters below.
By the time this reaches you I will be asleep
For a long time
Cause it's been such a long time without you Tyler Joseph
And my heads just so cloudy
And maybe the water can clean it
Because you couldn't
My head was one thing you couldn't clean
Always remember me Tyler Joseph
Because I remembered you
