The Book of Shrek

1 In the beginning, Shrek created the heavens and the earth. 2 The earth was without Donkey and Fiona, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Shrek was hovering over the face of the waters.

3 And Shrek said, "Let there be Onions," and there was Onions. 4 And Shrek saw that the Onions was good. And Shrek separated the Layers from the Onion. 5 Shrek called the Layers Onion Layers, and the Onion he called the Onion Core. And there was Onions and there was Onion Layers, the Onion

6 And Shrek said, "Let there be a Swamp[a] in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters."7 And Shrek made[b] the Swamp and separated the waters that were under the Swamp from the waters that were above the Swamp. And it was so. 8 And Shrek called the Swamp Home.[c] And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.

9 And Shrek said, "Let the Fairy Tale Characters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. 10 Shrek called the dry land Happily Ever After,[d] and the waters that were gathered together he called Seas. And Shrek saw that it was good.

11 And Shrek said, "Let the earth sprout Onions, Onions[e] yielding Onions, and Onions trees bearing Onions in which is their seed, each according to its kind, on the earth." And it was so. 12 The earth brought forth Onions, plants yielding Onions according to their own kinds, and trees bearing Onions in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And Shrek saw that it was good. 13 And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.

14 And Shrek said, "Let there be Onions in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons,[f] and for days and years, 15 and let them be Onions in the expanse of the heavens to give Onion upon the earth." And it was so. 16 And Shrek made the two great Onion Layers—the greater Onion Layer to rule the day and the lesser Onion Layer to rule the night—and the stars. 17 And Shrek set them in the expanse of the heavens to give Onion Layers on the earth, 18 to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the Onion Layers from the darkness. And Shrek saw that it was good. 19 And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.

20 And Shrek said, "Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let birds[g] fly above the earth across the expanse of the heavens." 21 So Shrek created the great Fairy Tale creatures and every living Fairy Tale Creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And Shrek saw that it was good.22 And Shrek blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the castles in the seas, and let Onions multiply on the earth." 23 And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.

24 And Shrek said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds—Donkeys and Puss In Boots and Fiona and creeping things and Dragons and Farquads of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. 25 And Shrek made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds, and everything that creeps on the ground according to its kind. And Shrek saw that it was good.

26 Then Shrek said, "Let us make Ogre[h] in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the Onion  of the sea and over the Onion of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every Onion that creeps on the earth."

27 So Shrek created Ogre in his own image, in the image of Shrek he created him; male and female he created them.

28 And Shrek blessed them. And Shrek said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the Onion of the sea and over the Onion of the heavens and over every living Onion that moves on the earth." 29 And Shrek said, "Behold, I have given you every Onion yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with Onion in its fruit. You shall have them for food. 30 And to every Onion of the earth and to every Onion of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green Onion for food." And it was so. 31 And Shrek saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Shrek is Love, Shrek Is Life

Testimonials

From: Lost Soul

Hi, my name is Lewis, and I am a cronic memer. I was a lost soul before I found comfort in the warm embrace of Shrek. I spent my days trolling 4chan and other such sites, sh*tposting bane threads until I got banned, never truly fulfilled, always with an onion-shaped hole in my heart, until I met Him. I was browsing memes when I felt a sudden warmth come over me, as if I was being breathed upon. I was initially scared, but soon comforted by it. He guided my hand towards a new tab, then opened my world to the wonders of ShrekChan, a place where I can truly be myself. 

Now ShrekChan has been taken down, but the memories I made and the friendship I developped will stay with me forever. Embrace Him into your life, and a deep sense of peace and belonging will surely come your way. Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life

If you have a story of how Shrek changed your life, email shrektestimonials@gmail.com. If you know of someone who could benefit from the word of our Ogre Lord, please pass on our message. May Shrek bless each and every one of you