Then Came Blue_ girlxgirl.

chapter 15

When I find her she's holding onto the railing facing the outside so her back is to me but I can still see the tension in her body, her spine is so straight and her shoulders up to her ears. She's taken off the blazer and I can't tell what look is hotter, the blazer on or off.
"Can't tell if I like you better this way or with the blazer on," I speak up.
"Mhm," she replies but she doesn't turn around to look at me. Not going to be easy I see.
"Babe, look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about Lynn, sorry that she hurt you like that...and ..I'm, I'm sorry I didn't defend you. Its just that I_"
"You couldn't, I know." She turns around then and pins me with her pale eyes leaning against the railing, crossing her arms across her chest. "And its okay you know, your friend didn't say anything that wasn't true."
In all the time I've known Blue I've never seen this side of her. I've seen mad, I've seen happy, mischievous, sad, possessive, horny... but I've not encountered this blank resigned side, at least not directed at me and truth be told its a little unsettling. It makes her eyes seem cold and ruthless. A certain chill goes through my body.
"When I was in highschool, about 13 or 14," she starts again, "I loved this girl, I loved her so much I could have done anything for her and I mean anything. People called me stupid and weak and pathetic...because well, I guess I was stupid for her. I alienated all my friends because to me she was all I needed, no one else. She did love me too at some point but I guess it was never as strong as...you know, the way I felt. So time came and she moved on. I found myself broken and alone with no friends, but worst of all, I finally realised how stupid and pathetic I'd been. I hated myself for_" she stops and sniffles.
"Blue I'm so sorry." I can feel her pain even if it wasn't me who went through it. I walk to her because I feel the need to comfort her, hold her and take away her pain but when I get close she side steps.
Oh.
"See, Riley I'm telling you this because when it happened, I promised myself I'd never let myself get stupid over a girl ever again." She pauses long enough to let out a self deprecating scoff. "But then I met you..." And her voice breaks on that last part. I move towards her again because now her pain isn't because if the other girl, its because of me and I just want to do something.
"Blue, you know babe I love you, so much." I'm standing in front of her with my hands resting on her chest. I wait for her to push me away but she doesn't.
She looks into my eyes and her eyes soften for the first time in a long time, "I know Riley." Her lips form a little sad smile. "I also know you didn't mean to hurt me tonight," she says and my heart unclenches for the first time and I feel like I just took my first breath of fresh air, "but you did." She adds, pushing my hands off her chest and my stomach sinks.
"Blue, I'm so sorry, please, it won't_". She shakes her head at my statement so I stop.
"It will happen again, it will always happen Riley, at least as long as you aren't out."
"Babe you know I can't do that, not yet. I'm not ready, but I promise...I promise..."
"I know you are not ready, and I'm not going to push you to do it but...I can't keeping getting hurt like this." Her voice goes so low on that last part and it takes my spirits right along with it. I feel a certain erie chill descend on me, chilling my nerves, my bones, my very existence. A certain panic seizes me.
"Blue, Blue, what...what..." I stop and swallow because suddenly my throat is so dry. I can feel my body begin to shake. I don't know if I want to finish the question.
"What are you saying Blue?" I finally get it out.
She looks straight at me and tags at her hair in frustration and then I know, whatever she's going to say I'm not going to like, at all. She opens her mouth but no words come out.
"You want me to come out?" I ask optimistically hoping that's what she wants to say. Maybe I can make it easier for her to say. But she shakes her head no so I wait. She might not know this but this is the longest wait of my life.
"I need, I need a break," she finally says and those few words tear my heart to shreds. I can feel the devastating pain as every piece of my breaking heart chips off. This can't be happening. Please someone tell me its not happening, please, please, please... I can't breathe. Something big and massive just took resident above my heart and my lungs and I can't breathe.
She let's out one long breathe before she walks into my space, cups my face in her hands and I can't do anything else but look at her because I think only my eye muscles are capable of any activity right now.
"Riley, I love you, more than anything but...oh God... I can't, I can't... Oh my God Riley don't."
Don't what? I'm not sure of what she's talking about because I'm busy dying a slow painful death until I notice she looks a bit blurry and my eyes are stinging and then the wetness on my cheeks as the tears begin to fall. I am a cryer but I usually do it in private. I never let anyone see me but this, this is beyond what I can handle. I open my mouth to say something but my lip trembles so bad so I close it again. Now I can feel the steady flow of the water works on my cheeks but I'm unable to stop, I can't stop.
"Babe, stop," Blue says tenderly and almost painfully, her thumbs rubbing away the tears streaming down my cheeks.
Stop!? Stop!? She rips my heart to shreds and then asks me not to cry!? Suddenly my pain has transforms into anger and I find myself slapping her hands off my face and pushing her away from me.
"What's this? You don't hurt me and get to bandage me, you don't get to tell me not to cry, you don't get to wipe away my tears because they are all because of you." I'm shouting at her and the stupid tears haven't stopped flowing, I'm shoving at her chest with every word and she stands there taking it all. Oh my god she's dumping me. The thought pops into my head and my anger disappears as fast as it came and the pain back in full force. I think I need to sit or hold onto something. I'm shaking so badly.
"Blue, you love me, I love you. Please don't do this to us," My hands that were pushing her a minute ago now clinging to her desperately, "please?"
She pulls me into her arms and I go because as much as she's the cause of all this pain, she's the only one who can take away all this hurt. So I fall into her arms and cry, and cry, and cry and she holds me. She holds me through it all and my heart breaks a new because I've just lost this person and for what. I know she said space but everyone knows that's another way of saying break up.
When I finally put myself together I pull out of her arms and take a step back from her. If we are going to break up then let us do it right. She now has tear tracks down her cheeks as well so I raise my hand and rub them off before I can even think about it_ and she leans into my hand, because this is us, these are some of the small things we do for each other, well used to do and with that reminder, I drop my hand.
"So this is us,um,breaking up?" I ask, my voice quivering but I will myself not to cry again.
"Not breakup, maybe after you've... Anyway, its just space..." She trails of sounding anything but sure of herself and I won't be the one to tell her space really actually means break up because I know she knows it.
"What happened Blue?" I might be digging myself another hole but I can't not ask this. "What happened? You said...you said you could wait for me to... you said you could_" I break off as the tears start flowing again. So much for holding them in.
"I know what I said Riley. I thought I could do it, I really thought I could but every time you flinch from my touch in public, every time you step away from me, every time we have to refer to each other as just friends..." Her words trail off and she sniffles, bites down hard on her jaw before she continues, "every one of those times kills me just a bit."
By the time she's done I'm crying blubbering mess again. I really hurt her didn't I? I'm not crying only because of the pain this is causing me but because of the pain I've caused her, my Blue, my light, my world. I find a wall and lean against before I sink to the floor against it because suddenly I feel so tired and drained. Blues stays in her place against the railing, her hands deep in her pockets. How does she look this hot all the time? My stomach does a little flip and this one is the attraction kind. I'm still so very, very, attracted to this girl.
"I'm sorry Blue, I'm sorry...I didn't know..."
"Don't be. I didn't tell you that to make you feel bad."
"So this is it then for us?" I ask and I see a tear leak out of her eye before she wipes it away fast but me, I don't have the energy to wipe away mine.
"It doesn't have to be, we can still be_"
Oh no! Not the 'we can be friends'. No way. I'm shaking my head even before she finishes her statement.
"Friends? Like you and Skylar?" I look up at her from where I'm crouched on the floor with my arms wrapped around my knees. "I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can be around you without being with you, I can't... I can't see you with someone else Blue, I just can't, it might kill me." Thinking about it might kill me too because I can already feel the bile rising up my throat.
"Riley I don't think I want to live in a world where you aren't, even if its just as friends, babe, just..."
I smile at her because I can't help it. "You are not good at break ups are you? Because that's not something you say when you are breaking up with someone. She smiles back at me shyly, that little timid smile I love so much. "Its just a break," she mumbles.
"Still, I can't be your 'just a friend' Blue. I think it'll be easier on us." We don't say anything for a long time. We just stay there looking at each other both of us probably thinking the same thing, take it all in for the last time. Blue finally breaks the silent starethon, "I'm gonna go get one of the guys for you, to give you a ride home..." She trails off unsure so I nod because I can't talk. If I do I'll only start crying again. She moves to go back inside and then I realise I still have one last thing to say.
"Blue?" I call her name and she stops. I don't look up but I know she's there. "I'm stupid for you too." All I hear is one final exhale before she slides the door open and leaves me alone, out in the cold. I wrap my arms tighter around my knees, put my head on top of my knees and let the tears fall.
Minutes later I hear the door slide open again, I will it to be Blue when I look up, for it to be her telling me she's changed her mind about wanting a break but I know in my heart its not, its not her and it probably won't ever be her again. My eyes leak some more as my shrivels.
"Hey," the person finally speaks up. Its Ethan. I raise my head and look up at him. This is the second person I've let see me this broken in one night but I don't care one bit.
"Here, Blue said you might need this." He offers me a clean baby blue handkerchief.
I snort through my tears, "Not my most attractive moment huh?" I take the piece of cloth from him.
He shrugs and says, "Well..." making me laugh and he smiles lightly. I clean up my eyes and blow my nose and Ethan stands there silently waiting for me to compose myself.
"Come on, lets take you home," he says helping me off the floor. He dusts me off and leads me gently toward the door with a hand on my back. The party is still going on, the guests oblivious to the fact that someone just got their heart broken tonight. I look around for Blue just to get one last glimpse of her.
I find her standing in Kiara's arms on the furthest wall from the door with all her other friends flanking her. I'm glad she has them. She lifts her head from Kiara's shoulder to look at me and I see the tears and the pain in her eyes. I feel my own eyes begin to sting but I won't cry, at least no from here. I raise my hand and wave at her for the last time and when the tears in her eyes begin to fall I bite down on my lip so hard so I don't cry too before I turn around and let Ethan finally walk me out of her life.
Its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Whoever said that probably had never loved at all. There's no greater pain than the pain I feel right now. Nothing compares to this.
I think I'd rather not have loved at all, ever.