My depression

How do i feel?

I've forgotten how to feel...I miss it so much I want to feel happy and smile a real smile. I always have to fake happiness even when I feel like crying. I'm not trying to look for attention if I was I would've asked for it. Why do you think I try so hard to hide it? I asked my mom why can't I feel anything anymore? Why can't I feel my family's love and be happy? She didn't say anything...
I felt like I asked her something I wasn't supposed to but did. I also want to stop crying in my sleep and stop having nightmares. I want to sleep peacefully but when I sleep there's always a nightmare waiting for me. I want to stop harming myself and I try my best not to but I always end up cutting because if someone. Might even be my own family that made me cut. People say that my life is going so great and that I'm lucky. I'm not...if I was then why do i cry? I just start crying for no good reason at all and I want to know why. I just want to sleep forever...