This is a poem created in collaboration between Little_Miss_Lonely and I, speaking as two individuals writing back and forth to one another, but never sending them. Enjoy.
… If you’re receiving this, which I know you won’t, you know who it’s to.
I know what I did was wrong, but I’m so so sorry. I just don’t see why this all blew up into such a big thing. I know we both could have done it, if we’d tried. It’s an easy mistake to make, but at a terrible cost. I miss you. I loved you so much- I still do.
Don’t forgive me. I know I don’t deserve it. Just… let me see you one more time.
Dear… old friend,
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. So have you. We’re flawed, but we make it work. You have your issues, I have mine. It pains me to write this, seeing how you’ll never see it. You did me wrong, I’m still healing. You left me after everything we went through together, I'm still healing. Maybe someday our paths will cross again. Until then, God be with you.
Wish.
That’s all you are to me now, a wish.
I treasure all the memories we have together, but… what happened to all the things we were going to do? The plans for two… they just never happened. I have good memories, but I wished we had a lifetime to make more.
I know that won’t happen now though. You made that clear when you never answered the door.
Just know I’m sorry.
Your embrace.
Your warm embrace is where I wish I were at this moment. I’ve taken time for myself to travel the world. Right now, I'm on the highest point in Scotland, viewing the frigid ocean and the many castles that pepper the shoreline. Have you ever been? I don’t think so. You would have said. It’s stunning. It reminds me of you. It leaves me confused. I don't know whether to feel joy or pain, love or regret at what we had. All I know is that our love is like this water. It’s sometimes cold and desolate, but it always draws me back. Please come back..
Pain.
Pain is all I can feel. Ever since you left me, all I can think of is the habits that made you… well, you. I loved every perfection, every flaw. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. Fixing me back together where all others failed, helping me when I fell to rock bottom. Just as I have now. So where is my saviour?
Oh yes. My stupid mistake. I chased the best thing I’ve ever known away from myself. All I seem to do to the ones I love is hurt them.
I swear I never meant to. Just… please, believe me. Come back. I don’t know where you are.
I just want you safe.
My sorrow.
As I walk the shoreline, all I can see is the grey, dismal sky that brings about my depression. It grows stronger and stronger the longer I am here. But still I stay. Something compels me to stay and never want to leave. I don't know how much more I can take. How can I forgive you for what you’ve done? To me, to us? The ice cold water grazes my toes and sends shivers up my spine. Like I've been temporarily paralyzed. I need to leave. But I can't. Not yet… Just like I can’t forgive you. Not yet. I need to find peace of mind before I can find peace with you. Or die trying.
Hopelessness.
That’s all I feel. I’m not even going to try to justify my actions, I know they were wrong and I’m sorry. But I can’t change the past. I know how you’ll be feeling. We were always too alike- do you remember saying that? We knew each other instinctively, like we were meant to be. Like soulmates. I hope you remember that, and you know I feel the same pain.
Or maybe I don’t. After all, I’ve never felt the pain of unfaithfulness. I’ve never known what it is, what it’s like to love someone with your whole heart and feel that they left you behind.
But that’s what I’m doing. And that seems to be exactly what you’ve done. Left me behind.
If only I could have explained.
Not that I could have. There’s no excuse for hurting the one you love most.
My reflection.
As I stand here, at the edge of the world, I see myself in the ocean. I focus hard on it, realizing what has become of me. A tear rolls down my cheek and splashes in the water. A single drop in billions. My mistake. You were my one in billions. You are. I must leave this unforgiving environment. I know what I must do. I see where I went wrong- where we went wrong-, I know I was a fool. But how will I ever reach you? After all, you're only one in billions.
But you’re the one to me.
Worry.
I know I shouldn’t, but I’m worrying about you. I don’t know where you are, or where you’ve gone. You haven’t contacted me at all. I mean, it’s not that I’m even sending these letters but I still write like I’m expecting an answer. I’m not surprised you’re not talking to me, after what I did, but I hope you understand. I know it’s just an excuse, but I don’t know what else to say. I wish you knew what was running through my mind. I knew it was wrong, it felt wrong too. But all I wanted was some attention...Well, I just wish you knew that. I guess you probably figured it out yourself.
I hope you come back soon. I’m so worried about you, even if it’s not my place to be.
I need you by my side.
Regret.
I regret not coming back sooner. Not writing to you. I needed time. You understand, don't you? I'm back now. Back in this empty house, haunted by my loneliness. I've decided to lock down my past, leave it all behind. It doesn't matter what you've done to me, all I know now is that you're all I need. I imagine this house filled with life, our children running and playing in the yard. I look out the window and I can see it all. The perfect life. The future that I left behind. What you did to me was unforgiving. Yet, I find my thoughts always coming back to you. You pull me back in without even trying. I'm cold now, I shiver as the fire dies out. This fall air has left me cold on the outside, but I'll always remain warm on the inside. I pull out a pencil and I begin to write, all my feelings, wrong and right. I write my journey and my experiences. I put them in envelopes and lick my stamps. I send them out, hoping you’ll see them. Hoping you'll forgive. Hoping you'll smile. Hoping you'll come back.
Shame.
The guilt weighs me down, as far as I thought possible and some. I can’t take the silence anymore, I need someone, something. I need an answer- but for that I need the letter. So I take all the letters I have, all the ones I’ve written to you. I never intended to send them, but you deserve everything. In the second last letter is the note. What I did. In full. And I hope you can understand even the smallest part. I love you. I can’t let you go, and if this is the only way to, so be it. If you never reply, I’ll know that’s it. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. But I can’t do anything, can’t imagine anything, without you with me. I need you to help me create the perfect life. The future I left behind.
I said we think alike, didn’t I? If we do, then you’ll come. If you don’t, I’ll know where I stand. I’ve sent them, this is the last one and I’m just finishing it while the postman waits impatiently for me to seal the envelope. I’m not sending just my writing, but my emotions, my hopes, my experiences without you. And it’s safe to say, I can’t live without you.
I need your forgiveness. Need your love. Need you back.
Please.
My joy.
I've been waiting. Waiting for something. Anything. I'm going insane thinking about what we could have been. I want it, I want it all. This life I live now was never meant for me. I'm on the brink of insanity, and I won't last much longer. I pace and I talk to myself, reassuring that you’ll write to me. I know you will. I used to say, that we were alike. I know you’ll come back. Finally, after an eternity it seems, I finally receive mail. I open it like a wolf feeding on its prey. I must've read them a hundred times over. Did you get my letters? I wonder. I write another letter. I tell you where I am and ask you to meet me for coffee. The same place we first met. It seems like forever ago. Please say yes. Say you'll see me again. I'm finally starting to feel whole again, knowing you feel the same. I have strange mix of emotions running through my mind. I cry. Are they tears of joy or sorrow? I guess I'll find out soon. Maybe tomorrow.
