1995 {smosh}

chapter five; i love you, mom

short but sweet.

"I can't believe you're actually letting me go, mom. This is insane." I told her as she handed me an ironed shirt and I folded it into my case.

She sent me a smile. "You'll live for times like these, hunny."

I decided not to push her further on about it and continued packing my suitcase. She looked kinda sad, melancholy sad, not depressed sad.

"I got something for you." She said, picking up a bag and pulling out a polaroid camera. A huge smile spread across my face, she knew I'd always wanted one of these. And as if she'd read my mind, "Now seemed as good of time as any."

She was staring at me and I caught her gaze, then as I looked away she whispered something.

"You look strikingly like your father." I made out, looking up I saw tears in her eyes.

But when I questioned what she had said she replied saying she hadn't spoke.

I always thought of my mom as the strongest woman alive, I looked up to her in every way. She had the most resilience and kept me safe through everything. When I felt sad, she was there. And then my dad died, and I saw her, for the first time in my life, completely break down. In that moment I hadn't just lost my dad.

But I was never wrong, because she still was the strongest woman ever, because she got back up again. I wish I had gotten that from her.

The room was silent but it felt as though we were connecting in our own way, and I didn't want to leave her here, alone, whilst I go travelling through states with maniacs.

She could sense this. She always could.

"When I was your age, me and my friends would do crazy things. We did a road trip all the way from New York to Florida one summer just because we thought the beaches looked nicer than the ones near us.." She laughed fondly at the memories and I joined.

"My mom hated it, she didn't understand, growing up she had been told 'all work, no play' by your great nan. I don't want you feeling that way, I want you to feel alive, so, have fun, take pictures!" She gestured towards the camera and multiple packs of film packed neatly into my bag.

I still felt guilty as the cars, packed with all my friends pulled up. And even more so as we pulled out of my drive and I waved her goodbye as she stood alone. She used to wave me goodbye like this when I went to sleepovers, except dad was stood next to her.

"Let's go!!" Ian exclaimed and suddenly I was back to reality and I felt myself let loose. With the radio up and windows down my mom was right, I had never felt more alive.