Remember everything

I'm sorry.

For killing the trust you had, by lying, by deceiving. I am sorry if I never acknowledged your expectations and if I've let you down. It was not my intention.

But would it ever cross your mind, that lies weren't lies, and it all turned out to be wrong time and place? That sometimes the truth was too hard to handle, so I kept it from you? Would it ever cross your mind that you losing trust in me is equal to my losing faith in myself?

I was broken long before you broke me. And now I am shattering myself.

I am not telling you my story, 'cause you won't believe it anyway. What if I told you lying was the only option I had? To keep myself from hurting you. If I hadn't lied from the beginning, would you've been there for me? I disgust myself for everything I did. I cannot find the words to tell you how much I regret it.

But the grudge I've held, helped me through. I bared all of it, receiving some help when it was needed. I may not have been there for you, but you weren't there either.

But if we could turn back, would it have gone differently? Your apologies won't help me anymore. What is once done, cannot get undone. And I remember everything.

Truth is hard to handle, and you won't believe me. So I won't tell you. I'll keep it a secret. Locked inside my heart, until the pain will become too big. Then I'll let it out. Not now. At least I won't be lying anymore. Like I did, all these times before.

Do you believe me? Would I lie if I say you didn't? If I told you all of this, would you help me in the end? If I could hold back the rain, would you numb the pain?

I will remember.

Everything.