The day of Hope

Another day, but nothing like the other one. I felt a tiny spawn of hope, I had been reading everyday, studied with my mom every time I got home from the hospital. I dreamt about the diseases I had to remember and felt rather good about it, especially since whenever my mom asked me about something I could answer it right away. I looked up in the ceiling, I felt strong, confident. This time I would make it. I would fight that stupid exam like I was in a war. The trick about oral exams is that everything appears to be an act. If you can put up a good act and show that you are confident, certain and feel secure then you will pass with flying colors. I on the other hand is open like a book, if I am angry at you, you will know. I have never been good at hiding how I feel. Which also makes me a horrible liar, but that is another story. Thankfully I rarely find the need to lie about anything. I made a deal with my mom about that she would drive me again and this time she would stay with me the entire time. From the moment I had to go in and prepare until I got out from the examination. I felt more secure, but I could still feel my body tremble in fear. What if the stuff I prepared wasn't good enough. Suddenly all these feelings rushed in over me, feelings of doubt, fear, shame.. Never again I had told myself. I wondered what would I do if I failed again, where would i go. How would I survive the pain. I stopped myself and these train of desperate doubtful thoughts. Of course you will pass, I told myself. I looked at my mom and smiled, I was so happy she was here. I felt warm and safe. Almost like when you are sick and the only thing you really want is your mom. Yes I know this might sound childish but I cherish my parents a lot, and they deserve all the love I can give them. Suddenly I heard them call my name out loud... It was my turn. I thought to myself, take the one in the middle. It can't be the same as last time and you know something about everything. I took it and flipped it over, Collum femoris fracture. I felt the happiness spread inside my body. This one was the one I had found the easiest to explain to my mom when we prepared. I started out with drawing the bone and where the fractures could be, typed down all the Latin words and started correcting my nurse actions towards the patients specific needs. It felt like a dream I could remember everything, things just kept popping up in my head. I was actually rather quickly done and I kept thinking about if I forgot something. In the end I was just waiting for them to call me in. After what felt like hours of waiting they called me in. I jumped up and put on the biggest smile I have ever had on an exam. I sat down and greeted my examiners. I thought to myself, now 25 minutes of war starts and either you slay their questions or they slay you, fight for your life. So I started talking and i talked like it was my life on the line. I talked and talked, never stopped aside from when they interrupted me with their questions. I felt the victory coming, I remember the last 5 minutes as the worst ones as I just wanted it to end. I wanted to claim my prize, my victory over my own body and nervousness. Finally they told me it was over and I could wait outside until they decided on the grade. I smiled when I saw my moms nervous smile outside. I just nodded and said I am defiantly passed. It took some time before they called me in again but it was an amazing feeling. I didn't mind waiting. They called my name, and one of the examiners told me right away when he opened the door, : "you passed!". The flow of happiness and relief flooded my veins and I felt like I was flying. They told me that I did amazing and they gave me a moderate grade since I still missed some things in the questions. However I didn't care, I won the war. A war I had prepared for in weeks, days, late hours, early hours. Now it was over, now I could focus on the next chapter. Now my studies could return to normal. This was a story of success for myself. I hope to walk into more in the future but nothing comes for free. Especially as a nurse student.