“You know the way I’m your favourite teacher in the whole world?”
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If only you knew Alfie. If only you knew the way I feel about you. Did you ever wonder why I would do anything and everything for you? If you tell me to get in a cupboard, I’ll do it. If you tell me to pretend my mum’s got Palmers Syndrome just so you can get a date with Gulliver, I’ll do it. Because I just can’t say no to you. Do you know how much it hurts to see you constantly going after Gulliver? Knowing that sooner or later, I’m going to be caught in the middle of it all over again. Like that time you made me go up to her in front of everyone in the canteen and give her this ridiculously huge bouquet of flowers. I didn’t hear the end of that for weeks! No matter how many times I told people it was you who made me do it. But, to be honest, I didn’t really mind, because it was me who got to comfort you because she turned you down yet again. I hate seeing you sad, but I’d hate seeing you with Gulliver even more.
I know I have no chance with you. I’m your pupil, for one, and obviously I’m too young for you. And even if I were old enough, you still wouldn’t look at me twice. I mean, I’m me! So who am I kidding? But sometimes, when you rope me in on one of your crazy schemes to get Gulliver to notice you, or to annoy Pickwell, I get the feeling we would be a great couple. Y’know, if it weren’t illegal. Like the time we were in the ladies restroom and you were writing on the wall. I still remember the way your hand felt on me when I accidently slipped when we were hiding from Pickwell. That’s one of my favourite memories of “us”, even if “us” doesn’t exist. I mean, a boy can dream, can’t he?
Nobody knows about my feelings for you, nobody except Stephen. He caught me crying in the toilets one day after school, it was so humiliating. But he was so lovely. He sat with me for half an hour until I stopped blubbering. When I told him what I was crying about, he was so nice about it. He said that it was perfectly natural to crush on someone older (“Well, not necessarily someone like that idiot, but you get what I’m saying.”) And I did. For a while, I ignored the feelings, telling myself it was just hormones. But they kept coming back and I knew it wasn’t a crush anymore. I talked to Stephen about it again, and he just put his hand on my shoulder and said “Listen Joe. Talk to him about it. He’s Alfie, what’s he going to do? He’s always going to need a sidekick, and none of us are up to the job. It’s obviously giving you hell, and eating you up inside, and by God I know what that feels like. So tell him. And hey, who knows, you’re nearly sixteen aren’t you?” Well, that’s kind of where his useful advice ended and the “He could have been harbouring feelings for you ever since year 7 but not in a paedo way” ramblings began. Anyway, now I’m rambling. I don’t even know why I’m writing this letter, but I couldn’t think of a way to tell it to your face and I couldn’t fit it all in a text, so here we are. Anyway, by the time you’ve found and read this I’ll probably have died from embarrassment and regret so I probably won’t see you tomorrow and yeah. Bye and stuff.
Joe.
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AUTHORS NOTE:
I do not own Bad Education, nor any BBC show, however much I may want to.
Drop me a comment if you like, if not then have a nice day anyway.
P.S. I will (hopefully) be updating this so keep an eye out.
P.P.S Ethan Lawrence (The guy who plays Joe) has tweeted me twice tonight, so I'm a happy bunny :D
