The Queen of my Disaster

one

They tell me that I must have lost my mind to go after you, my best friend.

I knew you, I knew all about you even before we became friends three years ago.

I always wanted to be your friend. I wanted to be your friend since the first day of middle school. You were the only girl who owned an Nintendo DS, and I thought it was cool.

But of course, you had your own friends, and I had mine, so I couldn't even attempt to talk to.

Back then, I liked the girl with the Nintendo DS.

When we finally graduated to high school, I got lucky, I had one or two classes with you, and I could finally talk to you.

Gradually. I didn't want to creep you out.

But then I heard that you were dating my friend, Daithi, and I shrugged off the feeling of jealousy, and still longed to be your friend. I mean, come on, who wouldn't? You were awesome, sassy, crazy, nerdy.

You weren't exactly popular, and neither was I, but you still gave the aura of popularity that made anyone intimidated to approach you.

Then you and Daithi broke up, and I had a chance to get closer to you.

I should have seen it back then, how you could shrug off the breakup so easily, and how Daithi spent a day looking at the ground, without speaking, sinking in his sorrow.

You and I bonded over discussing the lore of Halo Reach.

Back then, I liked the girl who gamed religiously, not really caring for her appearance much.

I became your best friend. I don't know how, neither of us had a spoken agreement. We just acknowledged it one day.

You were laughing as I made a joke about shitty people who shamed anything, viewing only themselves as perfect. "This is why you're my best friend!" You laughed without a care in the world.

I wanted to stop and ask you if you really meant it, but I didn't want things to become weird or awkward between us, so I laughed, making another joke.

In the meantime, you got yourself into many more relationships. I didn't stop you. How could I stop you? How could I ever tell you how pained I felt when you kissed and talked about other boys like they were heaven?

You began sleeping around just as we were about to graduate.

I didn't like it one bit, but you were happy, and that's all I wanted you to be. Happy, with or without me.

Back then, you were the girl I liked who slept around and didn't care about anything anymore.

Now, we are both in college, and you are still the girl I like. I have never told you how I truly felt, and I guess that's why you hardly tell me about what you truly feel.

You ruled everyone around you, you were like royalty. You were smart, the lecturers liked you, and some people at college would whisper about you.

They would whisper nice things, beautiful things.

You've found better friends, haven't you?

Why did I allow you to slip away?

Why did I become like this?

I have created my own disaster, doomed myself.

I was a fool to ever allow you to rule over me.

Now, you are the girl I love, the Queen of my disaster, the ruler of my demise.

Why do I love you?