Now I must warn you this is not a pleasant story, right now, as far as I'm concerned it doesn't have a happy ending. I want everyone to be aware of this though...considering I don't have the balls to say it to the public.
Do you ever feel like you can tell complete strangers something, but you can't tell someone you know but don't have a close connection to, let alone someone who you've been close to since you were born. I do that a lot. I have no friends at school, I keep things bottled up inside until someone makes me tell them, but that isn't very pleasant either. I tell strangers almost everything wrong with me, or, at least, the one's I know who won't think I'm too fucked up or disturbing. People who won't think that Anorexia or Depression are monstrous diseases dwelling in my brain.
They won't judge me for my unfortunate past with boyfriends, or sin me for the scars on my body though I am a Christian. They wouldn't curse at my fashion or the evil thoughts in my mind, matter of fact, most will embrace them all. Others try to help me, but I know it's no use, they aren't professionals. I'm pretty certain that if the cure to these things was be happy and eat and not have such low confidence and self esteem by just going out and talking to people...If those were truly the cures, I wouldn't be complaining much, I would think 'forgive and forget' is truly valid to me. And that ALL scars were only temporary.
See I was 13. So quite young I guess. I was happy...ish...maybe, I don't remember. My birthday is on the 23rd of February, and the month previous, I had myself in a few messed up situations with new girls in my life, they had made me or tricked me into taking drugs for that little bit. I had a boyfriend at the time. I met him last July, and he was my first true love, he didn't approve of any of this, he hid how much it hurt him for a while. We broke up the June that had just passed, It's been six months, I still think about him. But I don't love him anymore. I miss him, or, who he was.
I was friends with this girl, Ally, who was also my age, she had a label at the school tattooed almost across her forehead, thing like 'slut', or 'whore' or just simply fucked-up. I really got on with her though, I didn't see anyone's problems, she couldn't blame herself for her terrible past, just as much as I couldn't blame my nan dying, or my hamsters a few years back.
But, long story short, she got herself a boyfriend, one from Brighton, he was a few years older than we. In which case her mum did not want her to be with him under any circumstances. I hadn't questioned Ally how she met this guy, but I thought he must be nice, given Ally was a great friend and she was dating him. So in which case, given the fact that my birthday was coming up, and I wanted to meet this guy, I invited her to bring him to my birthday.
I'll be crying on every birthday I have now.
I hadn't told my boyfriend, Lukasz much about this, but he didn't like Ally very much, the way she acted, what she did, or had done. He just knew that whatever we were doing that day, Ally and Ryan will be there too.
anyway, it came up to the day, there was me, Beth and Lukasz...Ally and Ryan were running late. So I told them that we'll be swimming in the public pool nearby, where we arranged to meet. Ally hadn't wanted to go in anyway, as she didn't want the scars on her legs exposed to people.
Me and Lukasz shared a changing room, like always, and Beth next door. He decided to give me a little bit of a present, but I had to keep quiet...It's hard to do that.
We came out and we went swimming, it was pretty good, and then eventually Ally and Ryan showed up, I waved through the glass to get her attention, and that we were coming out soon, but then, for the first time ever, I saw Ryan. He gave me some sort of evil look, like he just judged me right then and there...that wasn't very fair, I'm only in a bikini at this point.
We got out, went around town, Ally and Ryan were talking behind us. He was oddly quiet, and I knew from Ally's reaction he wasn't normally like this, he had told me 'I don't like talking to people much'. Yeh, I gathered he didn't really like me. Later on we all came back to mine, the girls were able to stay over the night, and we all hung out in the living room. I don't really remember the small details, but I know that an argument went on between him and Ally, they went outside in my garden, and when Ally came in I knew she was upset. So I talked to her whilst Lukasz talked to Ryan. Once she calmed down I went outside to see how it was going, and as an answer he was still very angry. He was stubborn to talk to me, and said he wants to figure out arguments by himself, but then after a while came around and told me what was wrong. Lukasz had gone inside for a while and he had told both me and him that he's a Sargent Major in the army.
