diary diary more like venting book

explain

This is my totally crazy insane weird thoughts, I have no clue where or when to start but here it goes. I am a messed 19 years old. My pa is a druggy and well a jail bird. My mom is a ex druggy ex alcoholic. So u can imagine what happens when people like this get together? Well tada u get someone like me. Oo did I forget  to mention my bio parents were 17 years apart? Probably. Well my mom was 17 and my father was 32. Some back story is due I guess ? Well they lost me at 2 to social services ( swat team rad).because of my dad stealing a police truck full of present and hiding it in the garage 🤦🏻‍♀️ My mom had just left my dad the night before because he and her were very physical with each other. And well she want to get clean and he didn't. I got shipped off to my lovely lovely Oma (grandmother) on my dads side. One word to describe her would be bitch oops I meant witch. She was old school, her hubby (opa) was a ex nazi German drunk. I swear I don't have anything against Germans. But I highly dislike mike. He was crazy and mean and evil. My routine becomes waking up at 6am. Eating Porridge or cereal at 610. Sitting at the table till 630. Then getting dressed with what ever Ruth (Oma) picked out. 640 got my hair pulled into a high pony and prepared for school took a long walk to the bus, got smacked tripped and hit by kids on the bus. Till ivy my best crazy friend came along. She was my saving grace for elementary. I got bullied all through out school  At 310pm I would get dropped off and have to walk to the house. By then time I got home it was about 333 ish. I would have to sit at the table right away and start on my homework/ books and stuff Ruth Made me do. I would do this till about 530pm  and the whole time I listened to mike call me names like idiot stupid dumbass why can't u be normal ur such a freak loser bitch etc. Then I would have about 10 minutes to eat whatever was on my plate. If I didn't eat it I had it for breakfast then next morning. Then at 525 I would have to hand wash dishes, sweep and clean the tables and couches. Then I would have to go outside for about 30ish minutes to take some of the Dogs  for a walk( if I was good I could ride one of the horses). Then I would have to be in the door before the timer went off or I would be in huge trouble. Then it was bath time at 6ish for 20minutes (freezing cold water or boiling hot ). Then straight to bed at 630pm . In the summer time I would wake up with the sunrise and leave before they awoke and went horse riding for hours. I usually got in trouble for it. But it felt if I was free. I became used to the routine. On special weekend I would see my father. I was the biggest daddy's girl. I loved himself the life itself. He was my everything. When my grandmother was feeling nice she would take me out garage  sales or to my auntie Gwen's. Later in life I found out my auntie was a drug attic and  a drunk. My whole time out there they lied to me about my mom. Called her a whore a drug attic a slut a skank etc.that she ran off with another man. My auntie Gail helped me see the truth in a way.  I never got to see because she was the clean and well one she would attempt to tell me the truth. I grew up scared of police because they would always be knocking on my dads door. I grew up thinking selling drugs was okay. I grew up learning being a criminal was okay. I learnt that being bad was good and being good was bad. For picture days my Oma dressed me in Halloween costumes. I want to grow up to be a vet or a trick rider( a person who rides horses and does tricks at fast speeds) But by the time I was 7 I started hating life I tried hanging my self I tired jumping off roofs I want to die because I started to believe all the things I was called. U know how a normal kid has toys, well I had books and clothes. Toys I wasn't allowed they were locked up in the basement. Some nights I would sneak down there to play with them. One summer I spent night with my auntie gail and her daughter Painted my nails I was about 7 at the time. When I went home and showed my Oma. She called me a hooker, I asked What it was and she said "a disgraceful women who spreads her legs for every man and is a mistake of a girl". I also remember days whine I would sit at this tiny window with a chair waiting and waiting for my dad to come see me and save me. He would take days to come. He would say he's be there in a hour (hour and a half drive from Edmonton ) and he wouldn't show up for almost 2 days. And every time he came he brought a new girl with him. I didn't have the worst life or the best growing up.my grand parents used to fight to the point I though they would get physical with each other. I remember rocking myself in the corner back and forth crying and screaming begging them to stop they never listened. I would cry till I passed out. At 10 years old it was so bad that I ran away. I ran to a neighbours and they had to call my grandmother and social services. That summer I bounce between aunties houses and when I finally got a hold of my mom I found out she had been clean for almost 5 years (almost 11 years now in 2018) she had a beautiful son kameron and another one Easin on the way. That summer was hell for me. Lost of mind games and laying the right cards and sneaking about and figuring how to get out here to b.c