Drowning Chrysanthemum

Chapter 1

 I can't breathe.

All I hear is that annoying ringing in my ears, and it is very loud. I want to scream, but I know I shouldn't open my mouth. I want to reach out to them. Who? I myself have no idea of who I'm trying to grasp. I am aware I'm struggling., but from who, or what? I can feel my struggling is becoming more violent by the second, desperation is the only thing I feel. I don't want to open my eyes... I'm afraid of what I'll have to see.

I want to reach out.

I can hear a muffled voice, screaming my name. I want to scream back, 'Please help me!!' I gain the courage to open my eyes. 

 It's so blurry...I'm drowning.

 With my remaining strength, I open my mouth, knowing the water will enter my throat, making it even more difficult to survive this. Who's name am I screaming? I don't know, but I know that this person is willing to help me, this person I've hold dear to me.

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I open my eyes and blink a couple of times. " It was just a dream. " How many more times, do I have to dream this? I take a deep breath and look around. How many more times will I wake up? Living in this house is... I grip the sheets tears starting to roll down. He should've just ended with me long ago... then maybe, I would've been by Mother's side. I shouldn't be crying anymore

Most of my mornings start this way, I have horrible dreams, I start thinking about mom, I cry, and then I get myself dressed for school as fast as I can. But today, oh no, today is a different day.. too different. Today is my first day at my new school...which to me, only means that more lies would have to be told. Lies, Lies and more Lies... I've gotten used to it. While telling a lie, I no longer stutter, look to the ground, nor hesitate. Hating to lie is another thing. The hatred, The shame, that is something I've never suppressed. I had told myself countless times, one day, you'll forget about having to feel that way, but that day has come nowhere near, or ever. I feel too much, I always have.

Suddenly I hear the front door slam and my heart stops. I look over to the clock, which read 7:36 A.M. Doesn't he leave at seven? I wonder. I should get up and change now or else I'll be late, and on the first day. That wouldn't make a good first impression. And he would certainly not like that as well, he probably even already spoke to all my assigned teachers... telling them absolutely absurd things about me. They'll learn those details of him are lies soon enough.

School doesn't start until 8:30 A.M. I can take my time today...probably the only good thing that'll happen today. I finally get up from the bed and gather my uniform, the pants are just plain black, well not really, more like gray, the black has been fading from the many washes its had. The shirt is just the simplest white polo I could find in the closet, after that I put on this black sweater, thankfully this one was the newest thing in the wardrobe, well, I had bought it since some time ago, but it hasn't been worn, so it can still be considered new.

Supplies, check. Fixed messy hair, check. Managed to look decent, check. Ate breakfest....that's right there's never any food in here, and when there is, it's only meant for him. I go back to my room since it seems to be the only clock in this entire apartment. 7:59 A.M. Well, I guess I should just start walking down there. I swing my backbag over my shoulders and walk outside.

I'm very surprised by the sudden breeze from the outside, not even am I allowed to go out for fresh air. It feels so nice I could cry. But I won't, I've cried enough. Crying because of the weather would only make me feel stupid afterward. Even the crunching of the fallen leaves are enough to place a smile on my face, but I can only smile so little. The colors around here are so beautiful! The apartment doesn't compare at all! I wish the outside was my home.