Guinevere (Book 1)

Chapter 12

The sunrise floods my room with warm orange light, awakening me from my sleep. Blankets cocoon me in softness up to my nose; I am so blissfully warm and comfortable. Blinking into the light, my sleepy mind starts to once again think about the events of the last few days. As the fog of sleep lifts, I know it must be today to make the biggest decision of my life, and I'm not sure I'm entirely ready to make it. If I reject Arthur's proposal, I would avoid marrying someone I didn't truly love, as well as saving myself from the pressure of marriage for a bit longer. I could remain here in Cameliard with my father for a few more years, where I am content. It would be an inconvenience to Arthur, I am sure, but he would no doubt find another to dote upon, to love. Arthur and his men would return to Camelot and things would return to the way they were.

Rejecting the proposal would, however, also mean risking the future stability of Cameliard. I hope that my father will rule for many more years, but should anything happen to him, I am next in line to the throne. I would potentially be unmarried without an heir of my own, leaving my throne and my people in a precarious position, should anything befall me too. Once Camelot leaves and things go back to normal it inevitably means that Lancelot would also leave. The notion of never seeing him again is too painful to think about. Then again, maybe his love for me be strong enough to allow him to relinquish his duties and stay here in Cameliard. And what if he did? I still wouldn't be able to be with him anyway.

So, say I accept the proposal. I would be packed off to Camelot with both him and Arthur. The prospect of leaving my home frightens me greatly, but I would lose neither man. What warmth I do feel for Arthur may indeed develop into something deeper. Our union would not be a miserable one; we get on well together even without romantic intentions. On a more practical side, the alliance between Cameliard and Camelot would be strengthened, the security of both peoples ensured and would be more so if I could produce an heir. But could I do all of this and put what I feel for Lancelot aside? Would there even be a friendship left between us or would this cause an irreconcilable rift between us? Furthermore, would it make things awkward between him and his King?

No, this all needs to stop before it all really begins. I need to start thinking sensibly about my life and which path would be in the best interest of my people, first and foremost. I am a Princess and I cannot afford to risk their wellbeing and security over my emotional confusions. I may not like it, but I have a responsibility and I shall be damned if I let my heart get in the way of that. To do otherwise does not deem me worthy of the title of Princess, or even Queen. This is all so much bigger than me and I need to accept that here and now.

Taking a deep breath, I get out of bed and wash my face. It's not long afterwards that Enid arrives.

Almost immediately, she asks; "So, are you likely to be talking to me today, or will you persist in telling me there is 'nothing wrong'?"

As if I didn't feel bad enough; "Enid, I'm sorry about the last few days; my mind has been preoccupied with a decision that will change everything. Things have been...overwhelming and I have handled it poorly, especially with you."

"I wasn't angry, Guin," she says gently; "I was just concerned for you. What has happened to make you feel so conflicted?"

I tell her everything; from the ride to the woods the day before last, with a less risque version of what happened between Lancelot and myself. Then onto Arthur's proposal, the kiss and everything I was feeling, including the confusion and guilt that I cannot shake. By the time my tale ends, tears are running silently down my face, but more out of relief that I finally told someone than anything else.