3am thoughts

Insomniac

Chapter1: Insomniac

My eyelids are heavy but my thoughts are heavier. I can't sleep. I know that because it is late and I am awake. I shouldn't really be awake , I mean I haven't slept in almost a week and that isn't supposed to be physically possible. But here I am.

These days I run on coffee, I'm pretty sure that's supposed to have a limit right? A point where the human being finally needs to rest and recharge. But nope not me. Why? Why do I have to be different? Why can't I be like everyone else? Eat, work, sleep, repeat. Why can't I be normal? I mean I've wanted it for long enough. Everyone else in my high school can do it, so why can't I? I just had to be different, the anomaly. I've tried it all. Sleeping meds, overdosing on coffee so that maybe I'll crash, hell I've even tried anti-depressants thinking that maybe the reason for these unintentional all-nighters was depression. I've tried everything that I can to see if maybe, finally, it'll work. But no. it never does. And I'm always left with my thoughts.

Sometimes I think of what would happen if I never slept. Just stayed awake forever. I'd probably hate it. That feeling of always being sleepy but never actually falling asleep. I can't do it. I hate being alone inside my head. I can't get used to it. It's scary and loud and there are too many things in there.

I act like everyone else though walk, talk, do my work. It's simple, act like the rest of them and maybe someday you will be like them. But even though I try my best, there are always my thoughts. Waiting, lurking at the back of my mind. Sometimes thoughts can be deadly, but I roll with it, pretend it isn't a big deal, when in reality they're eating me up inside. Night is when they really come out. Try to kill me from the inside. I try not to succumb but it's almost impossible. Almost.

When you get in a fight, there's always a winner and a loser. For the longest time I thought that I had to be the winner. That I had to come out victorious. But then I realized that when you are constantly fighting with yourself, you will always loose. When you're fighting with yourself, you're fighting not to win, but to come out alive. Sometimes you want to give up so badly. Give up, give in. But there's always that thing pulling you back. I don't know what it is or where it came from. Or even why it exists. Maybe it's one of those natural instincts trying to keep you alive. Trying to keep you from falling into the deep. Which is why I am torn. Half wanting to fight my way through, the other half wanting to give in and just finally die. Be at peace with myself. Peace has never been something I've known. It's foreign, unusual. Because I'm always at war, peace is something I will forever yearn for.

You might ask me where they came from. All these thoughts and emotions. I mean it isn't unusual for a high school student to have certain opinions and question certain things but I feel like I've reached a point where it's gone a bit too far. I can't handle them anymore. I want out. It is proven that the human brain cannot create just change and edit. That's why when we dream, we always imagine faces we've seen before, because we can't create new faces. If we dream that is. All of this, Everything, had to have come from somewhere, some experience, maybe even a feeling and that my friends is where your past comes in.
The past is a funny thing. We can pretend it never happened or drown in it. Go on with our lives, no questions of it, or have it constantly plague our minds. But what it all comes down to is 3am this is when you feel all the pain, all the hurt that's crammed up finally lets itself out. 3am, the time you finally differentiate between reality and that which is surreal. Just barely hanging on in between the blurred line of what is real and what isn't.

Insomnia has this way of making the moon the perfect company. I stare up at it all night wondering when ill finally be allowed to drift off into the abyss of nothingness. But then I start thinking. I wonder about all the wonders of the world. The things I cannot experience just yet. I wonder who I'll marry. Will I get married? I wonder who my friends will marry. I wonder if we'll stay friends forever. What is forever? Who even decided what forever is? Will I stay awake forever? What will I become during this period of "forever"? But then I realize how lonely I am. Being alone doesn't mean sitting by yourself at lunch, or not getting any texts from anyone. Being alone is finding yourself awake at three in the morning crying your eyes out and having to smile the next morning.

Insomnia is actually kind of like torture. Because while the world is fast asleep you're up all alone, your mind buzzing with every random thought in the universe. And sometimes the thoughts will reach a standstill, your mind goes blank. You become more aware of the silence. And it is in this moment you truly realize how alone you are.

The thing is, We are always told; write between the blue lines, The question only has one answer, Be a good kid. But Even when we do everything they say, One day we wake up to our parents divorcing and tears flowing. There are bruises everywhere and the pain starts becoming more persistent. People leave our lives and there's nothing we can do about it. All of the bad things come crashing down, the universe laughing in our faces waiting, watching. Will we get up? Or lay our guns down, bow our heads in defeat? control is just an illusion, I mean The big secret no one ever tells you is that when you let go of control that's when the real fun starts. I just can't bring myself to do it. 

When teachers see me, they think I need the guidance counselor, they think that I am a drug addict or maybe one of those people who watches Netflix in their bedroom all night. Or maybe even a reckless teenager that party's all night. I don't think they realize how sleepless nights can affect you or how overthinking slowly kills you. They don't know how it can turn your mind into thoughts you wish weren't yours. I blame insomnia for not being able to sleep. I blame God for making me like this. Though deep down I know the truth. I know that it's my thoughts and the whirlwind that goes on in my mind that keeps me awake. I'm just scared because I know that It's my fault.