my love and future // domo and crissy

nervous

"I'm ready. C'mon Domo, you can do this." I keep reassuring myself these words that sound so false to me. My heart and my mind are on a team against my anxiety right now. Anxiety seems to be pulling ahead. My anxiety starts speaking to me internally yet again.

I'm gonna do something wrong. Somehow, I'm gonna fuck this up. What if I trip? What if my mind goes blank? What if I forget to bring my vows?

"Shit, the vows." I say, patting down my front pants pockets feeling for that folded up, crumbled, stained piece of paper. Not there. I reach to my back pockets; not there either. Shit. I reach inside my vest pocket and sigh with relief as my fingers graze the note. I pull out the piece of paper and unfold it, revealing a lot of scribbled out words, eraser shavings, and stains from the no less than three drinks I have spilled on it. I smile, remembering clamoring for weeks and weeks leading up to this day trying to figure out how to say what I need to in such a short paragraph. Speaking has never been a task for me, I've always been good at getting my words out correctly and in a way that they perfectly describe what I am thinking. But, with Crissy, it's just so hard. She makes me nervous. Not only that, I don't even know how to explain the feelings I have for her. They're unreal. The English language just doesn't do them justice.

But, I tried, and that's all that matters.

"Domo, it's time." I flip around quickly to face the doorway that encases my grandmother's fragile body. I smile big as ever, and she must've noticed.

"Goodness, Domo, your face is red!! You must be nervous." She says, walking over to me with a smile on her face as well. Her hands go straight to my tie, left hand on the short end and right hand on the long end, pulling to make the black fabric tighten around my neck.

"Grandma, you're suffocating me," I say, pawing at the knot. "also, I'm black, how can my face be red?" I laugh a little at those words, my grandma following with her raspy giggle.

"Oh, Domo, now you know what I mean." Everything goes silent as she loosens and tightens my tie, fidgeting with it, until she finally gets it to the perfect look. She steps back and her eyes scan the entirety of my outfit. Black shoes, the same ones I wore on our one year anniversary when I proposed to Crissy. Nice white shirt and my suit are all top notch. I made sure of that. And then the tie, which is something Crissy said I didn't have to wear. She knows I hate ties, chokers, or anything that will straddle my neck really. But I wanted to look nice; today is the biggest day of my life. So I wore a black tie.

My grandma smiles and I can tell she is about to cry as her eyes start to gloss over. I smile, but I don't make any movements. I can see myself in the mirror, I am about to cry too.

"You look great, Domo. Don't worry about anything. Today is the day, and Crissy loves you more than anything on this Earth. And I know you feel the same about her." She walks towards me and pulls me into a tight hug. Great, now I'm really about to cry.

I can hear my grandma sniffle quietly and reach up to wipe a single tear off her cheek. She pulls away from the hug and looks at me, pulling a handkerchief out of the pocket of her pants and wipes her face. After her face is clean and she has stopped crying, I smile yet again.

"Let's get you married." She says.