Adam’s POV
I laid Tommy on the couch and watched him fall asleep. I can’t believe he came here. This seems like the last place he’d want to be. I guess that’s why he was outside, freezing his ass off. I just wonder why he came in the first place. I grabbed the blanket off of the recliner and tucked him in. His hair stuck up in all directions and he looked so…different somehow. He was the same… but different. It’s been almost two months since I told him he didn’t have to worry about me anymore. I hadn’t even texted him except to give him job opportunities since he really wouldn’t be able to play bass in my band if I was “out of his life for good”. I just don’t think I can live without him. I’ve been trying to though, for him, because he doesn’t need the constant heartbreak from me. I’ll never forget seeing those cuts, and knowing I caused them, it was too much. I kneeled beside the couch Tommy was sleeping on and put my head against his chest, I could hear the familiar sound of his steady heartbeat and even breaths. I wrapped my arms around his torso and squeezed him in a hug, although he didn’t hug back, it still felt really good. I couldn’t help but notice he seemed smaller, a lot smaller. I stayed there for a while, not ever wanting to move. I finally noticed it started getting light outside. I guess I hadn’t realized how long I’d been cuddling with him. I got up slowly, trying not to wake him, and went to the kitchen. I looked inside the fridge and the smell was an instant indicator everything went bad. I mean, what did I expect though? I grabbed a huge black garbage bag and filled it to the brim with rotten foods. I decided to go to the grocery store and get some eggs, bacon, bread, and butter. I drove quickly since I wanted to be back before he woke up. There weren’t too many people out at like 5 in the morning so I got in and out just like that. I got home and quietly put the bags on the counter. I went around the corner to check on Tommy when I found him crying in a ball on the couch.
“Oh my god glitters, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“I… you… you left…me… me again” He managed to get out between sobs.
I gently grabbed his face and kissed his forehead.
“I just went to get eggs for breakfast… I’m not gonna leave you again.”
He looked up at me with his wet, brown, eyes and they seemed sad… but not temporarily sad… they seemed infinitely sad… something was really wrong. I tried to brush it off but it was almost impossible. We went to the kitchen and he sat on the counter beside the stove, watching me cook. I noticed how loose his t-shirt was, I was there when he bought that, and now it looked three sizes too big. I can’t keep ignoring this.
“That shirt seems a little big on you Tommy…” I let my words hang there for a moment, waiting for a reaction. He looked down at himself, then back up, and shrugged.
“Looks like you’ve lost some weight…” Again, waiting for an explanation, or reason, I let my words hang.
“I guess I have” He said softly.
I slipped his eggs, bacon, and toast onto a plate. “Appears you might need this, then.” I said and smiled, handing him the plate.
“Nah, I’m not hungry, you have it.”
“C’mon Tommy, you gotta eat breakfast, the most important meal of the day!” I said, intentionally cheesy-like.
“I just… don’t want it... okay?”
And at this point, I was kind of upset… he’s getting so skinny and won’t even eat a normal meal. So I did what any other grown up man would do, I refused to eat as well.
“Okay Tommy, I won’t eat either.” I put the plate on the counter and dramatically pushed it away from me.
“Aren’t you hungry? If you’re hungry you should eat.”
“Coming from you?” It came out more vindictively than I meant it to be and I regretted saying it as soon as I saw the hurt look in Tommy’s eyes. It was like I slapped him in the face. I saw him hop off of the counter where he was sitting and slowly walk upstairs. I was kind of shocked he’d even go up there. As I watched him walk away all I could do was stare, I couldn’t move my feet and follow him because it felt like if I made a sudden movement I’d scare him. I waited until he was upstairs and I could barely hear his quiet sobs when I let the tears fall down my cheeks and beat myself up for what I’d done. I hadn’t meant to hurt him, it was such a small thing that hurt him so much. I should’ve known better. He’s such a mess right now, like an abused puppy.
I sat down at the kitchen table and let the tears just flow, for a long time. Hearing Tommy cry was like multiple stabs to the chest. After about 15 minutes, they stopped, I sat there for another 5, mustering up the courage to walk upstairs. I can’t believe he did it so easily; I’d never want to go up there again. Eventually though, I did. I got up and quietly pushed my chair back into its place under the table and started my short, but seemingly endless journey.
When I got up there, our bedroom door was closed and he was sitting down, leaning his head against the door frame. I went over and sat by him and I noticed he had one of my shirts I’d left here, all snuggled against his face. It really WAS as cute as it sounds. I sat there silently for a while, just watching him sleep. Then, in one swift move I pulled Tommy into my chest and he woke up kinda startled, and then calmed quickly when he realized it was me. He yawned and looked up at me with those sad, now dull, brown eyes, which used to be so full of life.
“Tommy… honey… we need to talk or this will never work out…” he just nodded, so I continued.
“I see the cuts on your arms and I know how skinny you’ve gotten, I can’t ignore it anymore, if I did this to you Tommy, then I just want you to kno-”
“Adam. STOP it!”
I flinched in surprise. I hadn’t heard him speak that loudly since… I can’t even remember when, before all of… this… that’s for sure. He seemed surprised too, like he’d never spoken above a whisper, in his whole life. He was quiet for a moment and then started speaking again, in a shaky voice.
“Adam… I… It isn’t you. You aren’t the reason I’m like this. I don’t eat because I don’t deserve food and I cut because I’m punishing myself for being an ugly FAGGOT! No… nobody could ever love me…”
He burst into tears and I let a few fall from my eyes as well.
I cupped his face firmly and made him look at me. “Tommy. You are beautiful. I never want to hear those words again. And “faggot” huh? Just because you’re gay? I’m gay Tommy. Am I a faggot? No. You love me. I know you love me. And I love YOU, so don’t you give me that shit, unless you consider me a nobody.”
He wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me, slowly and lovingly. We kissed for the longest time, never breaking it. It was passionate and amazing… and I missed kissing Tommy, I really, really, did. It’s true what they say about not appreciating what you have until you’ve lost it. I lost Tommy for two months. It hurt so much being away from him, but right here, right now, with his soft lips moving in sync with mine, us sitting, cuddling on the soft carpet, something in the universe clicked. I can’t explain the feeling, unless you’ve been in love, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. All I know for sure, right now, is that I love Tommy, and that is the greatest feeling in the world, to love. I hope that even my worst enemies get the chance to feel the affection and tenderness of true love. Because, I gotta say… it’s great.
