Well, this is part one. Forgive me, I beseech you.
My blood is drowning in rust,
And I can smell pepper in the air.
I am not a poet;
I am a vessel.
I am not a poet;
I am a person,
And I don't want
To be one.
I said I hated humans;
Poet is such an elegant name,
But my name is something else.
I just want to be human.
And you want me to tell you
What's normal, what's not.
What the hell do I know about normal?
I can't tell you anything.
I'm a fake, I'm a fraud,
You were right all along,
And you would be right to bury me,
And let me sink into the sea.
I'm running out of words to steal,
I'm running out of motivation,
I'm low on fluids, I'm low on vines,
But I have an addiction.
I cannot be addicted,
My life is controlled by stupid words.
They are just words.
They are just words.
Maybe, but when have
Just words ever been so?
We're just worlds:
Microcosms.
I think I created this,
To illustrate a point to myself.
But I'm not supposed to be feeling,
What I'm feeling within myself.
I get the hiccups when I eat,
I get the hiccups when I wake up,
I think of you and I fall over,
I need a glass of water.
These people are fake!
These people are mannequins!
I see that's all we had now,
I see that's all we have now.
And I'm way too scared to
Tell you anything.
I'm running low on fluids,
I'm running out of time.
I need to stop smoking,
Because people love me,
AND THAT FEELING ISN'T NERVES,
I KNOW WHAT IT IS,
AND I DON'T WANT TO HAVE IT NOW.
I FEEL IT WHEN I'M WRITING
I FEEL IT WHEN I'M SINGING,
BUT NOT JUST ABOUT YOU,
YOUR BIRDS ARE NOT UNIQUE.
I wish I could stop smoking.
II
I have so many parts,
I have so many hearts,
They collapse as one whole,
One soul,
Those wisps.
Those wisps.
I compare this stuff to drugs,
Who am I to say,
I need to rest before,
We crash into each other,
My writing is too straightforward, rewind:
An airplane crumbles into dust,
And the fifteen minutes it encompasses feel like
A hundred hours.
In the span of one-two,
I tell my mom I had a nightmare,
I steal some more words,
I steal some more worlds.
My headache turns into a duel,
My heart and mind turn to joust,
I ache and turn and gruel
My body dies and is reborn.
I tell myself don't worry,
My mind is in a flurry,
I can never be mad.
III
I don't know you, I said.
I can't read your mind, I said.
But you could, you knew I was right,
You knew it was a lie.
I wait patiently to kiss your open lips,
You're right, I can't wait an eternity.
I did last night.
I could do it again, but you don't believe me,
And that's what makes it impossible.
And I have no clue what you're feeling.
I know I can't control you.
I know this is a mistake.
Why am I writing this?
I can't explain.
I guess it's what I want,
I guess it's what I deserve.
I get so emotional,
I get so fucked,
I believe I'm stuck,
This isn't heartbreak.
And to one and to all,
But the chains around my arms
Aren't around you in the same way,
Because they aren't there at all.
A CALL TO ARMS,
A FRANTIC FURY,
THE GATES OPEN,
THE BATTLEFIELD IS OPEN,
THE WORLD IS OPEN,
THE FIELDS ARE WATERED,
THE DAY IS RED,
FLAGS AND RAGS AND HOSPITAL BAGS
I haven't fallen in love with you,
I've fallen in love with my own
Narcissistic inventions,
And even they elude me.
IV
If I was a doctor,
I would create,
My own character,
I would make him real,
And we would be in love,
And that would be all.
But this isn't a fantasy.
I only have one life.
I'm sick of symbolizing and
I never want to fight again.
V
Words fail and
These emotions can't be
Thrown up and assessed.
They are not assets.
I hate myself for doing this.
I want to put down all these,
All these feelings,
This explosion that I died in
For the first time.
I can't speak to you outside of these
Military confines; I can't do it!
How could I ask myself to!
It didn't lead to this,
My failure did.
Last night I dreamed I was trying to love me,
I woke up and I was trying to kill me,
I woke up and I was trying to die,
I fell asleep again and my pulse closed.
I write more poems, they get eaten,
More poems get seen,
More poems get read,
Direct action gets the goods.
VI
That wasn't wordplay and
I'm not afraid now because
I have nothing left to lose!
I could write this poem for eternity
I could yell and scream for eternity.
I think I've lost,
The third crusade,
I think I've lost
To your brigade.
You are so much
Smarter than me,
You saw right through me
And my façade of pity and tiredness.
I'm sorry. It was too easy.
I won't even try this time.
VII
I want to go back to
Using the caesar cipher, but
I guess this is my new cipher.
VIII
Lights blink in my eyes
I think about my cult,
I think about my family,
I think about the Outsider.
There's a picture of a bridge above
My halo,
And there is water under it,
With fingers grasping in the background.
I'm too scared to do anything,
I'm too scared.
That character I created kisses me softly,
I bade it goodnight, laying on my right shoulder.
How many times do I have to lie to myself?
How many times do I have to lie to you?
And now a sense of self-discovery and
Acceptance.
I'm never explaining this. Not that it needs it.
