My Meltdown Diary

Entry Four.

Well I guess this is it this is the day I finally snapped I literally broke down completely I know there is no changing it this is unsuitable I can't live like this no one even knows I am not sure I can even tell anyone I just know I can't do it anymore I don't care what happens I am getting out whether I have to talk to social services about being able to live on my own in town so I can live closer to school whether I have to live at dad's in Kingston or whether I have to live at Teri or nanny leonores house I just know I cant live here my room is packed all my shit I just can't live here I can't live where there is always screaming I hate how I always am the one everyone grants to yet no one is there that I trust enough to rant to sure there's Teri but we don't talk anymore I know we are best friends forever but we never just talk her and I we barely speak about what is troubling us anymore I love that she is happy and in a relationship but I hate how it is ruining our relationship we never talk anymore I don't even know if I can tell her how bad it got tonight I don't know if I can tell her I took a butcher knife and tried to slit open my neck that I then took the knife to my are and tried to cut it off I can't tell her that it got to the point I screamed at the top if my lungs for my mother to get out of my face it gut to the point I had to trot and push her out of ny room and she straight up slapped me on my neck by my bad collarbone that I had punched her back I am not sure I could tell anyone can anyone really know I spent my day off of school getting yelled at screamed at interrogated and abused by my birth giver I can't tell all day I have been telling myself "in the moment she hit me I knew I had to get out" branding knows she hit me but not that she threatened me I was standing in my closet getting something down from my closet and was on my stole and she yelled at me i "get down before I put you down" I don't think I can stand this there is never a good day anymore it is always yelling screaming fighting just nothing good ever seems to happen anymore I wish I could even know what a good day is anymore I just hate my entire life so fucking much I wish I was dead I wish I had of slit my neck poem instead of pulling it away I wish I had gone through with finding my skiprope and making a noose and hanging myself I wish I had used Teris Iidea and taken the thumbnail and stabbed my boldest vein and killed myself I wish I did just jump out my window when I opened it as the cop was outside I wish I didn't drink a smoothing this morning and 3 chicken nuggets and 17 fries today my brother was in his room almost sleeping with headphones in and didn't even notice it he had been yelling all day too and then everything intensified and just more fighting and he after a bit came and tried to talk because he saw me a a point of breaking down that he had never seen me at and was beyond shocked it got to the point I punched my mother as an automatic reflex I couldn't stop myself this time I know that since I have been twelve I would always think or murder and hold back a fist when I was around to stop myself from punching her but today I couldn't even stop myself it all just happened so fast my jaw still hurts so does my neck my head is throbbing too I have been typing almost an hour it turns 8 in and 12 minutes and I then it will be even closer to an hour and the advil I took isn't even working the two bowls of pure crystal couldn't even help. It got so bad that I had a butcher knife to my neck it got the the point I told my mother that I don't consider her family and that I consider her forced acquaintances. I was screaming loud as I ever have right in each others face it got to the point she slapped me it got to the point I couldn't even stop myself I want to just escape I told her to go jump off the bridge I told her to hang herself it got so bad this time that she was going to down all of her pills and I told her to hurry up and do it then i literally can't do this anymore I can't live here I am done with it with everything I just need out now I don't care how but I need out I just can't stay here she wonders why I hate her well heres why onevi hate how she neever lets me go out ever I hate how she doesn't like Teri I hate how she always has Larry around I fucking despise him we moved for a reason so he didn't know where we lived now he knows our kitchen and everything I hate him because how he abused mother I hate how he tried raping her more then once when she was sleeping I hate how when I was ten he would lay in bed with me until mom got home saying twas "cuddling" but yet he had a fucking bones and it was pressed up against my back I hate how he made it so we couldn't even come home when I got a tooth pulled I hate mother for letting him in our lives again he is a disgusting stupid idiotic creep he is obsessed with mother like dangerously obsessed with her I can't stand being around him and mother knows this yet she let him in she let him come back in our little worthless life I hate how she is blaming us for her talking a stress leave from work even though she is just making it so that there is no profit ibid the house I hate how she keeps trying to guilt me into not moving I am sick and tired have wanted to move since I was 12 I hate how she thinks crying ass going to change my mind I hate how she still tucks me in at night I hate how she still treats me like a child I don't need to give her a hug every morning I don't like hugging relitves I hate living here she expects to know where I'm going who I'm with the times if we switch locations then to where and just so much more I hate feeling like I am on a leash I hate her completely I just want out I will come back for my shit but other then that I don't want anything to do with her completely ever she isn't family I don't want to talk to her ever again see her or even be acknowledged I have a father from here on out that's it she is dead to me if anyone asks what happened she died or at least is dead to me like her father also has been since age 10 I am done with it all. I'm just done with everything this week I'm going to actually see about working on the barns and stuff. I'm done and I need to hammer something or do something stress relieving I just need to escape I need out. I need out now.