The 1,000th Decree-nniversity of [A PERSON WITH A REALLY LONG NAME]

The 1,000th Decree-nniversity of Supreme Overlord Dfghwjiolwvbgfnlazgfp X “Da Boss” Iron-ish Fist, The Diapered One, Head of the Royalfamilypeople Clan

By: TheRealGuardianZen

“From hence forth, thou shall speakest in elden tongue when thou arest feasting on burgers of cheese!”

     That was the latest of Dfghwjiolwvbgfnlazgfp X’s decrees. – Decree #999

     Dfghwjiolwvbgfnlazgfp X started out as the unwanted son of a royal family. That royal family was the mighty “Royalfamilypeople” clan, rulers of about half of the known world. (The other half was used as the royal landfill.) Heck, he was so unwanted that when the King and Queen were asked to enter his name into the records, they smashed the keyboard, and thus, he name “Dfghwjiolwvbgfnlazgfp X” was given to him.

     I honestly have no idea how you pronounce that, and neither does he. Thus, one of his first decrees as Supreme Overlord was that everyone call him “Da Boss”. – Decree #1

     Da Boss, all hail his royal biceps (another decree is that we must praise his body at least once every three times we mention his name – Decree #48), grew up under a caretaker, who was chosen by pulling straws in the local dungeon. The caretaker gave him the most important words of his life on their first day together:

     “I’m the caretaker, but you can call me the caretaker! Just tell me where to find the refrigerator, leave me alone, and we’ll be great friends.”

     Though Da Boss couldn’t understand those words yet, seeing as he was only five hours old, baby Da Boss came to a conclusion:

     He was going to have to get used to wearing unchanged diapers.

     Da Boss, all hail his royal pecks, eventually became a teenager (somehow). He had no education (not like you need one or anything), but instead, was ambitious, revolutionary, and quite frankly, a genius in his own rite!

     And still wearing an unchanged diaper. (Geniuses are too smart to trouble themselves with learning to take off a diaper. Don’t question that logic. ­­– Decree #5)

     So, with his waste-products in tow, he traveled to the landfill half of the world. There he found lost technology, forgotten exiles, and above all else, a clean diaper. (Well... A clean-er diaper.) He forged mighty weapons, wielded by an army of loyal minions and fierce automations. But his greatest feat was the creation by which he would one day rule the world with an iron fist:

     An iron fist!

     Well, not exactly iron, but some sort of shiny, experimental metal. Da Boss molded it into a giant extension of his left fist, armed with various weapons, including a diaper cannon. (And yes, diapers are an important part of history and shall be remembered. – Decree #3)

     Da Boss and his army rampaged back into the inhabited half of the world, pillaging villages, abducting resistance, and gaining more followers and more weaponry. As they approached the capital, the Royalfamilypeople clan surrendered immediately, afraid of getting their fancy clothes dirty.

     Da Boss, all hail his royal hamstrings, being the merciful ruler he was, spared them, but forced them to wear diapers of shame for the rest of their lives. – Decree #0.5

     And so, after only a day of ruling the world, his 1,000th decree is:

     “Someone change my diaper!”

     Happy 1000th Decree-nniversity!