hey guys, this is where I'm going to be putting out my feelings, you guys are free to put your input and opinions as long as you guys are nice to each other. Ive been feeling really down and i haven't had many people to talk to so feel free to put your advice i will be responding to comments that i can.
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So lets start with the back story of my Crush...
So there was this guy that i started talking to because we used to have a class together sophomore year in high school, and we both decided to take an AP class even though we have never taken honors. We started talking (just us two) during the end of summer and we talked a lot during school. We didn't get the same period sadly but this guy was super nice to me and he was as sweet as they could get. He respected me, and he was there for me when i was upset. He made me laugh when i was sad, he made me feel happy, genuinely happy. I waited for his texts, I blushed when he said something sweet, and he would just tell the worst puns that somehow still made me crack a big smile.
I had him and our friend join this after school club with me where we just cook with fresh produce that we grow at my schools farm and it was really fun seeing them try to cook as they had no experience. I taught them some things and it was kinda funny seeing them back away as i flipped some food in the air from the pan. Seeing the smiles on their faces made me so happy, and don't get me started on his smile. His smile was bright, his smile made me smile like no other. He has a really adoring smile and his eyes brightened when he did. He had helped me through some stuff, like my first anxiety and panic attacks.
He talked me through it both, he was one of the few people that would answer me and during then it was pretty scary considering I didn't know what was happening. He was really sweet through it, he helped me when i was really upset about failing my first test in my other AP class, and we have this thing called extended in our school schedule where we have an extra 30 mins of one class and it changes every block day. So my AP classes are right across from each other and they are my 1st and 2nd period so when i have 2nd extended i get to see him because he has my 1st period class for 4th period. So he sits with me on the bench and talk to me. We had quite a lot in common, we both loved playing guitar, me acoustic and him electric, so we played songs for each other.
Our schools annual Fall festival was coming up and our club was doing a master chef competition so i decided to invite him and our friend to do it and we ended up getting first place! we were all so happy, and then he would hangout with me at the festival while our friend works shifts doing the carnival games. It was really fun, we got snow cones together and he helped me pick out a flower crown. I was planning to tell him i liked him before he left and i already told him ahead of time that i needed to tell him something. We played some games together and i was short a ticket so he gave me one of his.
We wanted to go on the hay ride but it got crowded with families so we decided not to, our friend took a break from his shift and we all went to the petting zoo where i chased a lamb and we pet some bunnies. Our friend got super excited to see a miniature pony and we took a picture of him with it. He then had to go back to his shift and my crush and i decided to go sit down and we were playing with the bubbles that we won at the games and eating some candy. He even bought me a rice crispy treat ball at the bakery stand. We walked some more and then he had to go, so as we were leaving i kept stalling waiting to tell him and it was hard, especially with my friends asking me all day if i had told him yet. Then when i finally built up the confidence to do so, he said "Thats it? You shouldn't have been scared to tell me" and i didn't know how to take it. He then says "I don't know how i feel yet, but i want to hangout and talk more before anything happens" and i said okay and we got to the entrance and i gave him a hug bye and told him to text me when he gets home.
After he left i started freaking out and I had a bad feeling in my stomach, I had a feeling it wasn't gonna go the way i had hoped, so I went to tell my friends that knew and they all said ill be okay and thats a good sign, they said i was just being paranoid. He didn't text me so i texted him when i got home and he told me "I made up my mine, I think its better off if were just friends" and I just said okay and low-key my heart really hurt. I told him that I was scared to tell him because the last guy I told lashed out on me, and i guess he rejected me over text because he doesn't want to see me hurt. I asked him why he wanted to stay just friends and he responded saying "Im not looking for anything serious right now" and i just said okay.
It really hurt, I just lied in my bed the rest of the day eating a big bag of kettle corn from the festival and listening to the same song on repeat, i watched the sunset on my roof listening to the same song feeling as though it wasn't the same. The song was pretty relative to him because he loves listening to Rock and the song was called Rock + Roll so it kinda reminded me of him when i first heard it. I cried by myself in bed, it really hurt cause its been awhile since i liked a guy as much as i liked him. We still talk as friends though. It hurts to pretend like everything is okay around him. I want to move on but I can't after all the things we've been through, i even rejected guys for him, and I don't ever get asked out. Its hard to go into the messenger app and see that he hasn't read the message i sent him an hour ago even though he was online only half an hour ago, its hard seeing my unread messages, its hard opening that app without my heart hurting...
