Prayers of the damned

Not anymore

I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to think about what he's doing anymore. I don't want to worry about if he's okay anymore. I don't understand and I want it to stop. I wish I could go back and not talk to him at that football game. I wish I could go back and not dance with him at that stupid dance. I don't want to check my phone and hope he said something. I don't want to obsess over who he's talking to. I don't want to obsess over checking up on him. I don't want to miss his family. I don't want to think about him. I don't want to want him. I want to not care. I want to not want him. I want to wake up and not be sad that I'm not next to him. I want to be okay because I know he isn't walking not okay without me. I want to be loved as much as I love. I want to take back my love from him, but I can't. My heart doesn't want me anymore. It wants him. It cries out for him. And it sucks because my brain isn't battling it out trying to tell my heart it'll be fine. My brain is too busy wanting him also. My very being wants him. He was home. He was my safety. My adventure. He took away my stress and made me feel the best I ever have. He scared my demons back in to hiding. He brought out the person I wanted to be, minus a couple things. I could relax with him. And now he's gone. And I wish I was okay. I wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling. I wish I knew what I was to him. What I am now. But I get nothing. I'm nothing. And I wish I could let that and him go.  Please help me let him go.