James,
I don't know why you suddenly came to my mind. I guess I am missing you. It's been almost 7 months since you left me. You deleted me on Facebook and eventually blocked me. Aaaand I gotta admit, I still wonder how you're doing from time to time. Do you still remember me? I hope so. I really hope so. Cause you'll always be recognized by my heart (this is too cheesy but true).
I found you on some shitty Facebook group last July 2014. That was the time when I was desperately trying to have friends and I came across that group. Saw your post and then added you. We started talking and I seriously enjoyed every bit of it. I thought you were handsome, well, still are, and witty. We were always playful. Calling each other silly names. We talked till October 2015. And talked again last April 2016. It didn't last cause you left (I hope not for good) last May the same year.
Along our silly conversations, I fell in love (or infatuated. Not sure) with the idea of you. To be honest, I still have my doubt if James is even your real name and if you are that fucking handsome. But I didn't care. We always had this banter that only us could understand, "pretending" that we are in love with each other. Exchange of silly sweet messages. But to be honest, James, if I were given the chance to make "what we have" a reality, I wouldn't say fucking no. Cause that's something I want. Something I would treasure. But from time to time something would cross my mind. What if he's just a poser? What if he's just bored and just using me to entertain himself? What if he's just naturally playful? How can someone as handsome and as hot as you be interested in me? I couldn't let you go, I couldn't stop talking to you so I played along with it. But to be fucking honest? James, I liked you and I still do. I liked you too much that when you actually asked me to meet you, I panicked. What if you won't like me because I am so full of fucking flaws? Because seriously, I am not beautiful in any way. I am fat, I am shy, my confidence is nowhere to be found. What if I actually took that chance and went to meet you up and saw how disappointed you are of me? It'll destroy me. It'll just make my confidence totally ruined. I didn't agree to meet you not because I didn't care, James. I actually cared too much that I didn't want the reality to ruin what we have or had. I am really sorry if I offended or hurt you in any way.
I've been paying for that stupid mistake for 7 months now. Are 7 months still not enough? Maybe you're happy now, you finally get a girl and stuff and you don't even think about me even for just a second but I don't care. Maybe you would say "what the guck, girl. Get over it. You were nothing but a facebook friend to me. Leave me alone." I still don't care.
And now I am asking God for another chance. To be your friend. To be your bushy again. I promise I'll be better.
I miss you, James. Always
