My Little Secret

"To the stars who listen..."

It all started with a fight...
It was the first time I saw him cheating on me with her. I looked him in the eye, he acted like I was someone else and kept going. I went home, and stood in front of the mirror. I took all my clothes off and stared at my body. How silly of me to think someone as beautiful as him would love someone as deformed and ugly as me. My chest was to flat, my butt was to small, my hips weren't big enough, my jawline wasn't sharp enough. I just wasn't enough for him.
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I remember that night like it was yesterday. I ran to the bathroom in tears. I threw his razor on the ground until it broke apart. I took the blade in my hand and stood in front of the mirror. Wow... I was disgusting. I cried and cried but it didin't help at the least. Finally, I had to do it. I had to bring pain into my life, for I am a stupid mistake. I took the blade and ran it across my wrist. I didn't feel any pain, just a slight sting. It felt so good.
The adrenaline in my veins was soon unleashed. I took my shaky, bloody arm and stared at it. I stared at it and thought, this isn't enough. I swiped the blade under the new cut. It felt like I was getting what I deserved, But at the same time.. I felt alive. I felt as if I could control if I lived or died in the moment. I could end it all with a third swipe, but I decided not to, because I was getting lightheaded, and soon he would be home. He would see me and think badly yet again. I'm worthless.
I quickly covered up my cuts and put my clothes back on. If he saw me like this he'd surely end us. I wanted this pain and misery to end but not for this reason. And why shouldn't I have hurt myself, he hurts me. I went into the kitchen and grabbed some water to stop the dissyness. Then I went to the couch and turned off the tv but I knew I couldn't stay here. I grabbed my sweatshirt and ran outside. I don't know where I was running. Anywhere but here.
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I run as fast and as far as I can go. I run through my neighborhood and into the woods. I get through the woods and come to a cemetery. A place full of people who's energy was wasted on people like us–people like me. Lost souls who can't bear to fight the pain anymore. I sat in that cemetery for hours, thinking about life and crying. But no one else saw me, I was all alone.
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No one else can know about it. I refuse to let that happen. I love him , I can't let him go like this. I can't let myself slowly cower out of my problems by committing suicide. I have to stand strong. I run all the way to a local drug store. I need some gauze for these. Maybe some scar cream too. I walk in, everything is pretty normal until a girl walks up to me. "Your arms are bloody, let me help you" she guides me into the section with the gauze and rips the package it half.
She starts to bandage up my wounds and then asks how I got them. I stutter and then tell her a dog attacked me. After she's done I thank her and offer to pay but she refuses. I start to walk back home and think about what he'll say when I get there. If he's even there. I finally get home and hear him upstairs. I just lay on the couch and go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Although, I highly doubt that.
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I was sleeping , but something-no someone, woke me up. It was a faint calling. I was scared , but at the same time the voice sounded soft and sweet. I walked towards the noise, it was in the basement. As I was walking down, I felt my arms being ripped apart by blades. I screamed, but nothing could help. I was being cut up everywhere. I then realized I had to accept the fact that I may die, and I wouldn't care. No one would to be honest. So I sat there and silently cried while something ripped my arms to shreds.
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Then, I woke up. I screamed and then realized it was a dream but I was holding a knife in my hand. I thought about cutting myself again but I didn't. Everytime I hold a knife I think about hurting myself. There's something wrong with me. But no one will ever know because it's my little secret.