The Winding Path

Chapter One

Every person has their own path, different parts and branches split off even if we start the same way. These branches cross over each other, they divide and those branches are called desicions. These desicions eventually effect your life and if they don't immediately they will later.
Every desicion you make, every thought even something as small as what to eat affects your life. Life is so fragile, so precious and yet so hard. Life is probably one of the most difficult things to do, you have to live and it's not just being alive. You have to feel the emotions, you have to handle situations, you have to find happiness and peace within your daily life. All is these things are harder than you'd think. I struggle with it too. You wouldn't believe some of the things that have happened to me and I wouldn't expect you to. You know, for the longest time I thought it was my job to help everyone else and make everyone else happy, to the point of self sacrifice and I only recently have come to accept that it's not. It's not my job. It's something I tried to do because no one else would. I took the burden and I was fine with it. For a long time I thought my problems were inferior to others and I hid mine for a very long time. It was all fine and I was happy but that was until I started having these thoughts, these dreams and images. Thoughts of hurting myself, cutting, burning until they evolved. They soon turned to thoughts of suicide and leaving. My happiness wasn't real. It was a temporary feeling. Something I had thought was real for so long ended up being just a buzz feeling, something I got because I thought I was doing something good. It then turned into a mask. It's a fake happiness that was easy to pull out to cover up my problems. When people saw through and tried to help I started trusting them only to have them stab me in the back. Use it for blackmail or try to gain my complete trust to get something from me. It vexes me how people can do that or why they do that but at the same time I completely understand. They do it because it's easy to take advantage of someone who feels like this. They don't think what happens to these people nor do they care. What started happening is I started to become one of those people in a sense. I met people, and I acted as their friend and I slowly started to break them, turn them into husks of people, empty inside, make them feel like I do. Make them like zombies, no emotion, no feeling in any sense but the thing is I couldn't continue doing it. I built then back up and made them happier than when I met them. I'm ashamed of it but it happened. It's in the past now. If you want to hate or resent me because of it, go ahead. I started thinking, I started to gain real friends and put that behind me. All of the people I did that to are so happy now, all are so in a world where they can live. They are in a place where they can resolve every issue that comes in front of them. I wondered, why can't I do that for myself? I had one friend, one true, honest friend who I poured my heart out to and she listened. She helped me and she's been my best friend since third grade. Until November of 2015. She got in a car accident and died at 13 years old. I was lost. I couldn't trust anyone anymore, it all went downhill from there. I trusted people I shouldn't have, I didn't trust those I should have. I continued to help others and let myself get worse. I started losing people. The numbers reached as high as 25. That's when I stopped counting. I lied to people about my physical condition so I could commit suicide without hurting them. That blew up in my face, made things worse than they had been already. People just stopped talking to me, they came to me for help and that was it. I tried so hard to find someone who I trusted and it got harder and harder, not because of that but because of things they did to me. Not even the same people, we talked for a while and we went back to being friends. After a while it got tiresome. Things aren't worth it so I deliberately started hurting myself mentally and emotionally and started chipping away at myself.
Then something happened. Someone saw me for me and didn't run away, they didn't want anything from me other than for me to be happy. They made me see everything, things like it's not my job to help everyone. I need to feel emotions and care. Originally I helped that person and that said I was the first. The first to even try to help them, they were like me. Happy on the outside and dying inside. I helped them and started thinking I needed to leave. They stopped me, they said that they needed me and broke me down to tears with just words. Words I don't hear often but say almost every day. They helped me and when they couldn't there was another person. They helped me when the other couldn't. So far I'm loads better and I got through it. I didn't say what all happened to me and I don't think I will.
The point of me writing this and publishing it is to show those of you who are like me or aren't, who can't deal with problems or choose not to, those who feel like they can't live any longer or that they shouldn't, so people like that can see that it's possible to get through, that someone cares. Even if it's only one person, that one person could feel that you mean the world to them. Fine someone you truly trust and let them help you. It's better for everyone. Them and you, if you want help you can even ask me. I'll help you, and it's no burden or load I have to carry. I choose to because I know it helps people. Please, think about it. Think where you are emotionally, mentally and physically, try and find an outlet. Whether it's someone to talk to, or its art, since sort of expression. You're not alone. People care.