Dear Love

December 4 2016

This might be a difficult letter for me to write because I have to admit, I have never truly met you, Love.

I have seen you in the eyes of my mother, heard you in the voice of my father and felt you from the embrace of my brother and sister.

But to truly taste you and sense what you are from someone I don't call my family is something I have yet to experience. To be quite honest, I have never taken the chance to really look for you, to search for you in others, or to long for you like most of my friends did.

When i was little, the idea of you was one I found in my dreams, in fairytales and my imagination. Little crushes would always creep up on me here and there, as if you were whispering to me, "I do exist." But, being the person I am, I ignored them, never followed through with the butterflies that might erupt in my stomach, or the pounding of my heart if I looked into the eyes of another.

As I slowly grew older, became more mature, I stayed behind the scenes, observing for myself what you could be like. Middle school was nothing, you only appeared through the close friendships with the people I know I can call my forever friends.

High school was a little different. You showed yourself to me in a few instances. Once, with a guy I now call one of my best friends, and some others whom I never even speak to today. The burning liquid I would consume on the weekends pushed through the door of your bedroom, revealing yourself to me only from one other, but I still never captured you in my heart.

In college, it has been quite challenging. I am kind of labeled as, "emotionless," all throughout my adolencence because of you. I don't want to blame you, it is only because I might sort of be afraid of you. The thought of falling into your arms scares me so much, I can't bare to think that if I fall, you won't be there to catch me...

I'm "emotionless" because the thought of getting hurt angers me.

I'm "emotionless" because the thought of breaking down the walls I have built up all these years might irritate me.

I'm "emotionless" because the thought of making myself so vulnerable for one person scares the living shit out of me.

And I'm "emotionless" because even if I ever did try, like really try for someone, there's the possibility of regret and sadness that I don't think I could deal with.

You know, some say that people can really die of heartbreak? I didn't think you and Death could work together like that. You two might be better friends then most people think.

I'm writing to you today because I think I just wanted to confess about my fear of you. The thing is, I don't want to be scared of you. I want to get to know you and embrace you and be so excited for you when you come! At least, I just hope you can come. It's weird because, I love the idea of you, Love, like in romance films and novels and music. But when it comes to me personally, it just doesn't add up. I guess I'm asking you to help me do the math, to help me get it in my head that there's nothing to fear.

For now, I think I am going to just relax and wait for you.

Promise you'll visit soon, but this time I think I'd like you to stay.

Yours truly,

Corrine