Your Little Secret-Part 3 Of The Mad Mad World Series

1/1

1:45am, somewhere on the West Coast of the US

I've been struggling with so much shit lately it's a wonder I can fall asleep at night without a fifth of Jack Daniels in my gut or a handful of pills. Or both. Unfortunately, thanks to the Changling virus, I can't get drunk, high, anything like that. The second I head that way, the virus does something to make me sober as a judge again. While it's a good thing and it's kept me on the straight and narrow, it's annoying. I can't knock myself out chemically and all of my usual coping skills I've learned through practicing yoga for years aren't working. So some nights I stay up watching horrible television, reading my way through Flake's on-tour library, playing video games until I can't see straight or like tonight, lying on my back in bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the morning to come. I'm able to catch a bit of sleep on the tour bus, enough to keep me going but once the show is done, so am I.

When Flake told us about his suspicion that the virus is still changing us, waking up new talents, all the stress I've been feeling finally did a number on my stomach. It's been years since being overstressed made me so sick but yesterday's little announcement was the final straw. I haven't been able to eat more than dry toast and green tea with honey since then; every time I even look at something more edible, I'm as sick as a dog. If this is what pregnant women go through every day while they're carrying a kid, I couldn't do it. I can't imagine heaving your guts up every 10 minutes for five out of nine months.

I haven't said anything to Lilly and I've managed to keep being sick all the time away from her so far. It's not that I don't want her to know, it's that I know even if I lock everything I'm feeling away, she'll still ferret it out. And not because she's nosy, it's just the way things are, thanks to the itsy-bitsy bit of a link I have with Richard, she'll figure it out. The same little troublesome, deep seated linkage that no matter what we tried, won't pack up and fuck off.

I have a theory that since it's so similar to the way her link with Richard is (and their link is nigh-unbreakable), is why it won't leave. Yeah, we're all linked to each other but there's something about a deep, committed romantic relationship that forges the bond so it doesn't break easily.

Richard told me he worried that Lilly would somehow guess out that he and I used to fool around eventually and asked me if it was okay to tell her if she asked, and I agreed. We don't have any secrets among each other anymore, right?

Here's the problem----I still want him.

And I want her too.

Yeah, I know, your typical "fall in love with your best friend's woman" situation with "oh, and fall in love with him too" on top of that. The Universe is laughing it's head off at me.

Why Lilly? Why can't I find a woman on my own like her? Why do I have to go and fall head over heels for her? I wish I could answer that question, then that way I could deal with it. But still wanting Richard on top of that? After all these years...why all of a sudden do I check out his ass every chance I get, sneak peeks of him in the shower, all of that. I'm so lost and fucked up I can't think straight. And I don't feel comfortable enough talking to anyone else, much less trying to tell Richard and/or Lilly what's wrong.

I know Reesh can tell there's something going on that I won't tell him about. He keeps giving me these 'looks' and will every once in awhile I'll feel him touch the link like he wants to talk to me privately, but I push him away. Same with Lilly.

The idea that I'd gladly take up with Richard again and not blink an eye would bother the hell out of a lot of the fans but I don't give a shit. I've never gotten hung up on gender----anyone who'd be as comfortable in a dress, playing the part of a cannibal killer's mother, that whole blonde wig and awful dress combo from the MiG tour? Nope, not this kid. Love isn't rational. Love doesn't tell you that wanting someone the same gender as you is wrong, immoral,illegal. Love just is.