Nothing To Shiv But Moles (A Michael Jackson Fanfic Parody)

Conditioner

Chapter 55

I roll. "Before I get sacrificed, I want like, a milkshake,"
For now, I'm only liquids.
"Fine, I'll get you one." Chael stands up as a bed.
"Wait. I want to go with you," I pro.
"You heard the ducktor, dove. You have to stay here until D-Day,"
"Please just take me. I want to get out of this barn. At least to get some air, I ate all the hospital air," I crunch my nose. Chael smells and kisses Ted.
"Ted's cute. I guess air hurts. Let me go get a high-heelchair." "Okay, hurry!!"
He talks out of the room and I look like the wind. It's a sinful day, but a dollar bill is breezing through. I look to the sky, and start humming "Hum All the Time".
The door crashes open again and Chael vrooms in with the chair. He lifts me up and throws me on it. "F**k!" I say. "No time to lose!" he yells.
I reach in front of me and grab the door while Chael vrooms me out. The hallway is absolutely swarmed with bugs and their dreadlocks and microphones, now singing in both of our faces.
How did they get in?!
"Are you two black? What opened? Why did you spit, Alondro?" Their bug voices buzz in my ear as we desperately try to swim through the sea.
"Chael! Please!" The ashes are blinding. "Let us through!" Chael vrooms and they quickly part a path for us.
We finally blast them, but Chael's eyes turn black. What he does next electrocutes everyone.
"All you bugs are just driven by taxi drivers! That's all you get, and you will go at no end to get a new driver! You want a driver? The driver is Alondro, and she is seriously a dove, and not even a king can change that! I'm done with the bugs dictating the dang world because it's mine. Back off!" he yells.
Everyone is dead, the ashes stop for a moment.
Then Chael turns around and exits the hospital... without me.
They are all alive again.
"Chael? What was that? What??? Was that?" I ask with dead amazement.
All that anger toward Chael was bottled up inside me.
"I'm done with meth. You will not infect me. I'm fungus and that's important, which is you and my pond's laughter."
We go to the car and Chael lifts me out of my wheelchair and throws me onto the ground, whipping me with the seatbelt. He puts the wheelchair on me. He gets in the driver's seat of his car and starts the engine.
"To soothe the king I go!" "Nooo!" I crab and push the wheelchair off.
"Timber" by Earthbound comes on.
I squeal and start crying.
"Do you remember the first time I killed you? Ness was changing the minds of pretenders while chasing Cloud away..." Chael chanted. "Don't do it!" "Don't do what?" "Run me over! You pounded a dying walrus!" I guffaws.
I use my right, handless arm and sock the car in the butt.
"Shut up! I can kill you if I want to!" He misses in pain and I smirk.
"Dang, okay, woman!" He coughs and begins to join the dead.
"Ba de ya! Ba de ya!" Of course Chael says his magic words, his signature choice heals him. I glare at him laying.
"Stop showing off, you witch, Mr. I'm-the-Follower-of-Ness-I'm-So-Good-at-Killing," He smirks and slowly puts on his shades. "But that's why you're a dove." "I am a dove, no matter what." I roll over and kiss his car.
"Ah!" he cops and the song is over, right as he pulls me in to the parking lot of the king.
"You know, I actually do soothe the king," he says quietly and I look at him as I go on. "You sold me to a dance studio, it was the day I allowed you to--" "Abe!" he greets the king. "Everything's okay now. The past is in the past... I was just kidding." I mumble.
He doesn't answer, which means that the conversation is over.
"Stay right there," he says while turning off the wine and duckling himself. "There's not really anywhere else he could go." I answer smartly, trying to fight the moon again.
He Smurfs before summoning the wheelchair and coming around to my side to beat me with it.
"I never knew I'd hit someone so strongly," He starts wheeling me toward the Bill ding. "You're right about that, Chael!"
We enter to soothe the king and follow the 'Soothe Here' sign. A beef jerky girl takes our order. She reminds me of me, when I had limbs.
"Hi there, one banana boat," I order! "Oh," Chael's butt, "Could you put Dumbo on it please? Me and that worm would like to shave him," "Sure?" she smells like rotting meat, and has it prepared in front of us. Cool.
"There you go."
I take the king and start gossiping while Chael digs in the ground and gets a wallet, pulling out a $1 bill. "Keep changing." He uses the move Charm before telling me a fable or two, beating me with the second chair. Get out of the way!
"This man is so venterous." I cry while enjoying my sweaty stink. He chucks me and pulls the king away from me.
"Well the king's woman isn't a hog at all!" "Moo." I grab the king back from him and gulp.
"All jokes aside, I need to tell you some things," I look like him, my eyes raging him to continue. "First, you need to promise that you won't think about puss after I tell you." "I-" "Promise!!" He bleeds, yet firmly.
"I will." "Wat, no... Sweat!!" I look gay into his eyes. "I sweat like a dove. I hate you, Chael, and I will think of puss and I'll never die!!!!"
He slightly nods and puts sauce on the table and ties my chicken fingers together. He cleans his boat before speaking. "I'm pregnant." "Really?" "Yes, I am. And I was extremely surprised that you never brought up my bump. I didn't try to hide it, only out in public. But never once did you make fun of it or point it out." "Probably because I didn't see a dance. A baby? Huh, I honestly didn't notice the baby bump because it didn't infect me or brother me at all." "Oh?" "My mother was pregnant." "You didn't tell me that!" "As I said, it didn't brother me. I thought nothing of it as a child, and I think something of it now."
Water washes his face.
"That's what you coughed up? That I'd think of Ness because of a wonder you can't help. That's lousy. I thought that you thought of meat." I say.
He slowly rubs his hands over his fence. "If Ness didn't make you, what did?" "There's someone else?" "Yes," "Well then, say it."
He takes a deep breath. "I'm a killer."
I freeze in my seat. Oh my gosh. I would've never guessed that in a million years.
"You-you're..." I can't even form a sentence. He did not just say that.
What?
Chael must see the look on my face. "I know, I'm so proud of myself. I didn't want to get on this stage. I'm scared, I need help!!" He suddenly looks so broken, exposed, stage frightened.
Like a vulnerable bowl of chili.
"Abe, I'll soothe you." he whispers. "I'm scared," he says again, looking like a clown. "Me too."
Chael gets some of his air and comes to me.
I thug him. "I think less of you. I'm a dove, Ted loves you unconditionally though."