Watching Him Watch Her

Head Was Dizzy & Heart Was Numb

So fixated on the boy with curly brown hair and the way he waltzed down the court. He looked over his shoulder at the girl with blonde hair and big green eyes and softly smiled letting her know he was grateful she was there to support him. I watched him. I watched him watch her.

"Good job" I stuttered after the game holding back all the emotion held within me. "Oh my gosh I definitely spit when I talk" "Definitely something in my teeth" "probably smell bad" The voices in my head said. This moment had to be perfect. This moment had to be better than any moment he shared with the blonde haired beauty. "Thanks" he smiled as he walked away without hesitation.

It hurt that he didn't want to be with me and talk. He told me basketball takes up a lot of his time and couldn't commit to a relationship at the moment, but he could commit to her. He swiftly moved through the crowd of band members, parents, students, and faculty. Finally, he approached the cheerleaders in their glittery purple attire that disgusted me with a passion. He smiled as he stood over her and they talked for what felt like forever. It was such a love movie scene. The varsity basketball player and cheerleader become high school sweet hearts and have the most athletic kids in the world. It killed me. It seemed like all the intimate conversations we shared would never be enough for him, but they were everything to me. My head was dizzy and my heart was numb. For some reason I still could never give up. I wanted him. I needed him.

It had almost been 6 months of the games and that was far too long. I just wanted genuine happiness. I rolled the joint and took a hit. I could slowly feel myself losing control, but I wouldn't stop. My addiction for the boy with the soft brown hair turned into an addiction to the drugs that relieved my pain and let my whole body feel dull. The things that are so good are the worst for you. In the end of it all, I think the drugs would hurt me less.