I have always wanted to fall in love. True love. And in my naive, schoolgirl, dreams I wanted love at first sight. But see there was just one problem, I am afraid of males. Oh, but I got my wish. I just never expected it to happen the way it did.
In my fantasies, I would run into the man i was destined to be with, literally. As he would help me up our eyes would meet and there would be an instant attraction to this man I had never met. He would blush slightly and turn away breaking our gaze to pick up the items we had dropped. Then as soon as we had met we would part ways, and I was always saddened to let him go. As the day went on though I would discover that I had an item of his, usually an important work paper. Of course I searched for him and when I did find him I was determined not to let him go without at least having a real conversation with him. As it would turn out though I woulden't have to do much to get what I had wanted because he always wound up starting it. He would thank me for returning the paper(s) to him and inform me that he had been worried about them he would apologize about running into me and would offer to treat me to coffee as way of thanks and way of apology. We would end up spending the rest of the day together and by the end I would be totally infatuated with him. Over time our relationship would continue to grow and eventually we would marry, have kids, and live together till death do us part.
It was at that point when I met with a cruel fate and my version of reality was twisted. In my second year of high school I was sexually assaulted. I wasn't raped, though if it hadn't had been for the two girls who had passed-by, I almost definitely would have been that day. That was six years ago, and even as time goes on I can still feel the way that he sullied and shamed me. I know that other girls have met with even worse, that they were not saved from the full extent of a man forcing himself upon them, but this does nothing to lessen my shame or fear. Everything I had ever wanted in love was shattered.
In my earlier version of love I had wanted him to want me, all of me, all for himself, to be completely selfish. But I don't want his want for my body to be his only craving or the most dominate one. I wanted him to want me for me. Heart, mind, and soul as well as my body. I wanted him to want to know the inner most workings of my mind. That he would come to know me better than even I did. But he would never restrain me or hinder me from living my own life. He would understand and accept that I wouldn't be there 100% of the time, that I would be free to live my own life and have my own time, that I was his spouse and his lover not his slave. But this does not mean that I would ever betray him. I would always be 100% his. Even after death.
And he would not just be my love, but my lover. I wanted his touch to ignite a fire in my skin and to taste the sparks on his tongue. I would want to be completely captured in the deepest recesses of his eyes. To take in every inch of his body. I wanted to hear his heart racing as I held him or the quickening of his breath as he made his way down my neck in a rain of kisses. I wanted to memorize the scent of his skin, the smell of his shampoo, deodorant, and cologne. And in what would have been the greatest ecstasy of all, I wanted to feel everything. The racing of his heart and his breath on my skin. The warmth of his body and the burning heat where his skin touched mine. Every kiss and every movement.
But I didn't just want to feel that from him but from me as well. I wanted to feel my own heart and breath quicken as his did. I wanted to feel the blood rushing to my head rendering me incapable of thought other than thoughts of him. I wanted to feel my body pressed against his in a crazed and burning craving to become even closer even though there would be no space between us. And in that moment of fiery passion i wanted us to become one, body and soul.
I had wanted. I still want it, but now I am fighting against myself. My fear and mind against my hope for love. But in all this I am left with questions. Ones that utterly terrify me to learn the answers to. Can such a love ever happen for me now? Even after I have been scarred so deeply? Even after i have been so negatively affected down to the deepest depths of my being? Can such a love even exist for me?
Or even worse a question. Does such a love even exist at all?
