Screaming thoughts

It's fun how people you spend so much time with can fail to see the truth. Maybe they don't, or maybe they just choose not to react. Because after all that's the easiest way to handle problems. Ignore them until it goes away.

She just didn't understand why people didn't see who se really was. Yes, she had gotten happier lately, but the problems wasn't in school or when she was out with friends. It was when she was alone. The thoughts came and didn't give her a silent moment. She was getting used to it though. Didn't affect her as much as it used to.

On the outside she always seemed so energetic and bubbling, always trying to make a light atmosphere. Of course she did feel happy. When she was with certain friends she felt loved and appreciated. When that happened he eyes lit up like Christmas lights. She was always the first to help a friend when they needed one. They didn't even need to say anything, se could see or feel it, when they needed someone to talk to. With no hesitation she would drop everything in her hands and run to the friend. And they appreciated it for sure. But she didn't think they really thought about it. They never did the same with her. At least she didn't feel like it Only one or two of the people she called friends.

"It's okay" was what she always said when they hurt her, maybe without knowing, but then she would point it out. She wouldn't get mad though. Just tell them what they did and then say "it's okay" because her friends really did mean the world to her. And she didn't want some stupid fight to get between them. Over some boy or something else stupid.

That happened not so long ago though. At a party. A close friend kissed the boy she was in love with. Or she didn't knew if she was in love or just liked him. But the friend surely did know about her feelings towards the boy, but she did it anyway. Only to apologize when the girl pointed out what she had told about the boy. And the friend would come with a simple "sorry" and then come with a long preach about how she was drunk, doesn't remember it or doesn't want it to come between them, because she loves her. But does she?

She remembers as if she had a sober mind how the music was pumping and he was standing there looking. When the friend came over and kissed him. Right in front of her. How her heart had shattered into a million pieces, but she said sorry, didn't she?

She cried. She sure did. But the friends didn't see. Only him, if he even did see. When she had seen him walking towards her she had dried away her tears and they shared a cigarette talking about life.

As soon as she was alone she blasted the music up. Felt it running in her veins, pumping along to her heartbeat. Music was one of the only things there could turn down her thoughts which were screaming. Screaming how she's not good enough. Her grades, her weight, her look, everything. Why couldn't she be more like her friends? They were all absolutely gorgeous. And sweet and smart.

Boys turned their heads after her. Truly enough and it gave her a rush when they did. But she didn't feel good enough for them, so she let them do what they wanted because it made her feel loved and wanted. Well almost. She was a prober girl. Still virgin and didn't fool around. Only innocent kisses. She had kissed quite a few boys in the hunt for love. But did it even exist. Love. Like in the love stories. She wanted to feel the way that was described in the books. She was in love with the feeling of being in love. She though she had experienced it herself. But she hasn't. No, she's never felt the way it stands in the book.

She only ever experienced heartbreaks. Boys who played her like toys.

The problem was she was always the one to love more. And when you have it like that you always end up heartbroken.

She was probably too sensitive. Those boys shouldn't be characterized as heartbreakers. Simply as teenage boys who does what teenage boys now do.

Being gullible it's easy to get to attached, because if people know exactly what to say you fall hard when you fall for someone.

Oh she remembers words flying over warm, alcoholic lips. How beautiful and amazing she was. Then he stole a kiss. And then more. Over the whole night, he would never fail to give her compliments and look her deep in the eyes. Make her feel safe. And then when the clock strikes 3 and everyone goes home, her prince gets changed from Prince Charming to a player who just know all the right words. Just like Cinderella gets changed.

But would her prince even want to acknowledge her as anything else than a simple flirt at a party. Would anyone her think about her, as much as she would about him? Why would they she thought to herself. She's nothing special.