Dear [...]

Dear Elle

Dear Elle,

We've never really talked. I'm pretty sure that's because even though we're in so many of the same classes, even though some of my friends have told me we would get along, I feel like we're beyond different planets, there are entire galaxies between us. That's unfortunate, because you are one of the most perfect things I will ever know. I hate love poems and romance, I never understood people who said they saw stars in eyes, but something about the way you looked at me made me believe maybe they weren't exaggerating.

I know it's probably my irrational teenage brain being high on hormones and adrenaline, ready to make bad decisions, but something about you makes me want to fall in love. I don't like romantic stories, but I wouldn't mind being your Romeo, I wouldn't mind suspending sense and time to be with you for a perfect infinity. I know this sounds crazy, trust me, if anyone said this to me, I'd want them locked away as far away. Because I don't even really know you. It's not like I fall into this that easily, I can still count the people I've truly loved on one hand, but even those times don't hold a candle to this.

This feeling isn't like anything I've ever come across, I've ever read about. This is hot tea on cold nights, bonfires in late fall as the air becomes crisp, this feeling is everything I thought happiness could be along with dashes of surprise. I always thought love would be like a fire, quick, hot, passionate, but this is more like smouldering embers that glow and last, a more gentle warmth.

I'm sorry if this is rambling, but that's what I tend to do when I'm nervous, and nothing makes me more nervous than newness and beginnings. This feeling will fade, I know, and hearts will freeze over, awaiting a new glow. But this is the first time in as long as I can remember where I'm okay with submitting to this feeling.

See, things were complicated for a long time, Elle, and I wasn't really happy with myself for years. Let me tell you that slaps sting and tears burn, but hope has the habit of numbing these things down until pain is barely felt, so forgive me if sometimes I don't notice these scars and bruises. To me, they are art, across my body, at least they were, Elle since I've known you, it hasn't been easy to break down myself. These marks aren't as beautiful as they used to be. Maybe it's because you look so complete, and I don't think a partial person has a chance with someone like you. So thanks, I guess. For making me feel like less of a fuck up.

I think the worst part of this is there is virtually no possibility of you ever feeling this way about me. I mean, you're so different then me, like I said. We aren't from the same places, I doubt we have anything in the common. More than that you don't like girls. At least I don't think you do. Straight girl crushes are one of the most irksome things, to me at least.

Sometimes I think that you are a good enough reason to figure out my brain, specifically my gender, because maybe me being out as anything other than female would make you see a possibility in me. And it's things like that that subtly remind me how we don't know each other at all. I bet you don't see much in me. Just some girl who sings in class and can't write. Just some girl with short hair and a leather jacket.

I'm not going to assume you think I'm straight because in all honesty, I look pretty gay. I mean, even though some of the people I've come out to as pan have told me they suspect nothing, I still kind of know that more people would be surprised I like guys then girls. But I wonder how surprised they were if I said I wasn't a girl, despite what my birth certificate says. I wonder how people would see me then, because I doubt I'd ever really look like... not a girl, regardless of any measures I'd take realistically. I probably already said this, I forget, but I wonder if you'd love me then.

I fell quickly for you, and hard, and that isn't in my nature. So I'm sorry, again, if any of this sounds crazy, but really, this, this entire feeling, is so crazy I don't quite know how to put it down properly.

I just wanted to tell you, thanks for being... there. Even if we don't really talk, even if you may not really know me, you've helped me a lot. I didn't think I'd ever have emotions this strong after my big panic attack last year. Your really pulled me out of a funk. I don't think I can ever repay you for that, but if there is ever anything I can do for you, just ask.

Sincerely,

Ashton (though you know me as Alice)

PS. Do you like Imani? He's great and all, we're really close friends, he really likes you. But just... be careful about him. He's not super... stable all of the time.