emoceans

well

Well it's been along time since I've written in here. I was over wattpad always publishing things I didn't want published. But, well I'm over it now. Of gone downhill a lot since last time I  wrote in here. Idk. things have just been getting harder. my physiatrist diagnosed me with clinical depression and gave me stronger medicine. I have to go back tomorrow and I really don't want to. I am so over always fighting with nh mhm about not going. idk why I'm writing in here. I JuSt don't really care anymore. about anything. I never real smile anymore. I'm just always blank. I've been getting so much worse with self harm lately as well. I can't get the voices out of my head that are telling me to kill myself and that no one cares and to just go and sit in the shower and self harm. and well I listen to them. I give in to them. I always go to text someone something to write something. like right now. it's happening right now. the voices are telling me to shut up. No ones reading this. NO ONE CARES ELLA ! No one. I'm so addicted to cutting. I can't stop. I do it everyday now. Sometimes twice. I hate myself even more because of it. I'm trying so hard to make people happy. Ive made some new internet friends. Carlie, Nicole , Alex , and trista. Everyday I try and make Alex trista and Nicole happier. It's hard though. I feel so stressed and I can't just stop talking to them because they're all so suicidal. it's also hard when people are constantly sending me photos of their cuts. It makes everything so much worse. ugh fuck I hate myself I'm a horrible person