How much can one person handle? When does the hurt stop? Is this how others live? What have I done that was so wrong that this is how my life needs to be? Can I change what has happened? Will I ever find happiness or is happiness not in the cards for me? Should I call it all quits?
I was born in the month of April, being the 7th child of nine kids to a mother and father that worked there butts off farming and what ever else they needed to do to make ends meet. YEs I was born into a poor working family like many of are. I had all the things that I need a roof over my head, food to eat, and clothing on my back and was your normal child.
Things changed that summer I turned five years old, thanks to my brother whom decided it was a good idea to start performing sexual acts on me. How was I to know it was wrong we lived on a farm the cows did, the cats did it, the dogs did, how was I to know it was wrong? as the years went on the sexual acts became a normal part of life and I wanted it. it was not until the forth grade did I realize it was wrong but how do you stop it. when we talked about it he said "if you tell anyone I will kill your cats" my cats my pride and joy the one thing I love more then anything. so it continued on and more years passed.
now older and turning from a child into a woman, thing start to change with my body I am bleeding, I can now have babies and whats going on can make that happen. I never had a normal period right from the start, but what would happen is every so often my period would stop, I would worry I was pregnant. could I be is it for real? well yes I could be and not doctor confirmed I thought I was. three months would pass no period. what to do? I would make myself fall down the starts, run really hard into something hard with my stomach, anything that would make a hard blow to that area. and sure enough with in a day or two I would get my period. Bleed like a crazy blood clots, crapping, thought I could die. I done this for many years to come. Still to crazed to say a word to anyone. hating everything about my life I just wanted to die. Die yes, and I tried to kill myself more then once.
Now age 16, sweet sixteen Not! the year it all stopped. yes good but also very bad. I felt even more unwanted and unloved then ever before. mind you 11 years of my now 16 years on earth had now stopped. what did I do wrong, why all the sudden is it over, like over night, I felt like a used cup and empty bowl and piece of trash. I know I should not of felt this way but when all you know just walks out the door what's a person to think. Well he got a girlfriend and moved out of the house that's why it stopped.I did not have a lot of friends I hated school I was still to scared to tell anyone. but we move on I covered those years with hate and meanness. I hated my life I hated my family but most of all I hated my mother. why did she let this happen to me? how could see not see what was going on?
Now age 19, made it out of school a new since of freedom. those childhood years tucked deep in side. I was working as a cook in a truck stop. trying to live trying to be happy. then this man, this dark skinned cute very sweet man can into the restaurant. he looked at me as if he knew everything about me, reached deep into my sole and smiled like to say "dear I am here to show you life is good". That sweet man said all the right things done all the right things and yes He was the first man I choose to have sex with. Man I was in love with him, in love with the sex, life was fun and this opened up a whole new world of how sex and life should be when you choose to do it. but it was all short lived my so called friends did not like him because he was black. So I quit my job found a new one but the hours the new job required made it hard to see my dark chocolate. making a big mistake I said "I don't know when I will be able to see you again" he took it as I did not want to see him again. I was heart broken what did I do wrong? A year later I ran into him he explained as he said "I thought you did not want to see me anymore" OH How things went wrong but he was with another and we would never be together again nor would I ever have the change to see him. what a sad day that was, and I still miss that man to this day.
