Holding On

Holding On - The Seeds Of Solitude

He could feel the weight in his pocket. It clung to him, rhythmically bumping against his thigh as he strode across the platform. Ducking his head, Draco stepped into the carriage. It was empty as the train often was during Christmas. Few students went home for the holidays, especially now. The wizarding community was on edge. In the eyes of parents, Hogwarts was, at least safe. Draco's fingers absent-mindedly curled around the apple in his pocket. He could feel the light feathery hints of thought brushing against his mind as he gripped tighter. "No" he muttered under his breath. "It's Ok, everything is fine. You are fine." He pushed the guilt down as he lowered himself onto the seat of the compartment. The dark, snowy setting rolled away as the train lurched forward. He gazed at the whirring greys that fled past, eyes darting away from the pale, hollowed face that stared back through the glass. Draco pulled the apple from his pocket, his eyes lingering on the brilliant green skin beneath his fingers. Turning it over in his hands, he felt some tension slip from his shoulders and began to let himself sink into the back of the cushioned seat. His eyes slid closed as he listened to the rickety sounds of the train.

The rattling of the car door sliding opened jerked Draco out of his doze, instinctively whipping his apple back into his pocket. A pointed, skinny figure with a wave of immaculate straight dark hair stared down at him. Her fingers curved over the door handle, hovering gently as she began to speak. Her eyes moved from where they had darted, away from Draco's pocket and up into his face. "Draco. I, we thought you'd stayed behind" A question was laced between the simpering words.

"No, I'm going home too, Pansy" Draco drawled. He detested her. His fingers curled tighter around his apple, still buried in his pocket. He could feel the resentment, the disdain rising. How could he look at her, at any of them. It was all so trivial. The moment he was chosen, he could feel it all slipping away. It was nothing now. Yet his words were cool and level, as always.

"Come and join us. It, It's just, not the same when your gone" Her voice remained subdued, however a hint of sadness played upon her bony face. This time Draco stood up. It was too much. He just wanted to be left to himself, he thought, glancing at his pocket.

"I don't care" he spat "I'm busy, please just" he could feel the burst of anger begin to ebb away "Just leave me in peace, please" He added. His gaze drifted to his feet, his grip relaxing on his apple as he lowered himself into his seat. Pansy stared at him. She looked as though she was on the verge of saying something before she cast her gaze down and gingerly slid the door closed.

Draco was left, undisturbed for the remainder of the journey, his fingers never parting with the cool surface of his apple.

The train slowed, pulling into the station. The platform was unnervingly bare, devoid of the usual bustle of excited parents. He scanned the scene for his mother, whom he spotted a distance away pressed against the further most brick column. Her expression was blank, yet her body betrayed her cool expression, as her desire to melt into the wall was evident. Her whole body was rigid, her arms gripped in front of her, her face lowered to the ground. Draco could only feel shame for her. He didn't blame her. Like her, his father's imprisonment was at the forefront of passing eyes. Draco himself had refrained from wandering the corridors, preferring to bolt from class to class before the whispering started. Stepping out into the chilly air, Draco headed for Narcissa. She looked up, a mixture of relief and concern flickering over her plain expression.

"Mother" he nodded. She folded her arms around him, pulling him close. He was on the brink of melting into her when she hurriedly stepped away, grasping Draco's trunk, her other hand hovering in the air. Draco drew up beside his mother, placed his hand on hers and felt as the breath was squeezed out of him.

Draco felt a rush of cold air, his skin rippling in goosebumps as he gasped for breath. Steadying himself, he gazed at the familiar gate that loomed over him. His mother, as composed as ever raised her right arm above her head and strode through the gate. Draco copied, wincing as he felt the iron melt away around his body. Together they strode in silence along the gravel until Narcissa was sure enough that they were far enough from the gate to avoid prying eyes. She stopped and turned to Draco, taking him in as she wrapped her arms around him. This time, Draco loosened his posture, feeling his mother's warmth envelope him. They stood like that for several minutes before Narcissa finally relinquished her grip.

"You should eat more" was her only comment before she began her steady pace up to the manor, avoiding the odd albino peacock as she went. Draco followed suit.

"I'm fine, mother" He murmured

"Clearly you're not" she spat, turning her gaze on him "Look at you, you don't look well. Are you sleeping? You look too skinny" She folded her arms against her chest. "I don't like what this is doing to you" "Just let it go, Sev-"

At this point Draco could feel a shiver run down his spine, as a rush of anger flared up.

"Mother, leave it. I'm fine!" He nearly shouted, teeth gritted. He could feel his hand slowly reach into his pocket, grasping his apple once more. "I'm not a child, I can do this. He has nothing to do with this" He could feel his face growing hot "I know! He told me about the Vow! What gives you the right to meddle in this. I was the one the Dar-"

"You're going to die! Draco. He wants to see you dead. This is punishment You are our punishment" His mother screamed back finally stopping just short of the manor steps. "What choice did I have!" Tears were beginning to rim her eyes. It was then that Draco noticed just how tired she looked. She too had lost weight. Her hair was slightly disheveled and her face was hollow. A slithering voice crept over them, hissing "Cissy, serves him right" it cacked. Draco searched for the voice, his body tensing as he spotted the sunken eyes of his Aunt. Her arms were wrapped around a pillar, playfully swinging as she gazed from Narcissa to himself. "Bella!" Leave us. Narcissa barked. Looking thoroughly pleased with herself, Bellatrix Lestrange retreated into the house and up the large mahogany staircase, slamming a door as she went. Draco, still frozen glanced at his mother who's gaze softened. She nodded, as if reassuring him of his safety. She walked into through the entrance, gingerly closing the door once Draco was inside. He watched as she drew her wand, dragging the tip over the wood as she muttered various incantations. The sight of Bellatrix prowling around the manor was still unnerving for Draco. She set his teeth on edge, like a wild animal, scenting his body for blood. He knew she was waiting for him to die. He was waiting to die. Unless he could just kill the old man. Nausea began creeping up on him as he took his trunk from his mother's grasp. She stared at him, utter concern seeping from her face. He couldn't bare it. He was going to succeed. He had to succeed. Draco allowed his pride to wipe any doubt from his mind for the moment. He dragged his trunk up the staircase, almost running for the safety of his room. He grasped the door handle, fumbling on the handle in his haste to collapse onto his bed.

"Hello Draco" whispered a gleeful voice from the corner. Draco bolted upright from the bed, Staring at the animalistic shape in the corner. Bella licked her lips as she crept forward. "Little nephew isn't well, is he?" she cooed, pouting her lips. Draco was silent, frozen by fear. He reached for his apple, fingers holding on to the last thing he felt safe around. Bella sniffed the air, her eyes glancing over Draco's pocket. The movement had not gone unnoticed. She licked her lips again and reached a pale hand towards Draco. He flinched as she did so, too petrified to breath. Her eyes were dark and sunken, boring into his as she cradled his face in her palms. She brought her body forward, so her mangled hair brushed against the side of Draco's cheek. He could feel her breath on his ear as she whispered "You're just like him. Too pathetic for my Cissy. She'll be relieved when the Dark Lord does away with you too" Draco closed his eyes, and felt as she drew back creeping out of the room and closing the door behind her.

Draco didn't dare move. His body still clinging to the edge of the bed, staring at the door. He sat there unmoving for what felt like an infinity. It was only when he realised his nails were digging into his apple did he relinquish his grip. His whole body collapsed, drawing his knees to his chest and closing his eyes. He brought the apple up to his lips and scented it, closing his eyes. Fully clothed, Draco fell asleep. His mind weaving from consciousness to nightmare. There was little difference.