Envision The Magic [Frerard] [By innocent_wolves on LJ]

Chapter Nine

"How old did you say he was?" Frank asked, trying not to let his hand tremble too much as he handed Lisa her glass of water. She had politely thanked no to both coffee and beer, which seemed like a wise decision; he couldn't find any coffee anywhere, and even though he'd gotten around to fixing his fridge, the beer was still disgusting.

"He's six, turning seven later in December," Lisa replied, looking at Caden and smiling warmly.

The boy was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the TV. He was watching MTV Made with mild interest, sipping from a can of Sprite Zero that Frank luckily enough had discovered hiding in his fridge.

Minutes before, when they'd been standing outside just waiting for him to invite them in, he'd thrown Lisa a panicky glance that was practically screaming "Is this kid mine?" When she had smiled carefully and shrugged him a vague "Maybe?" it was as though his brain went completely haywire. In the end he'd somehow managed to finally pull himself together and invited them in.

His lips and voice had been struggling through the standard set of sentences where he apologized for the mess, then the fact that he only had leftover pizza to offer them, and then the mess again. He automatically grabbed old newspapers and magazines off the table and pointlessly tucked them away somewhere else. He watched his own hands arrange the pillows on the couch, but he felt so disconnected. His head found itself in a different world ruled by frantic conditions; his thoughts were impossible to grasp and lock down.

"So…" Frank squinted, trying to wrap his head around some simple math but found that everything in his head was still a mess. "You got him when you were…?"

"Seventeen," Lisa finished for him. Then she sighed. "Look, Frank," she added, lowering her voice and glancing at Caden, making sure he was occupied by the TV, "there's not much to explain. You've already guessed what this is about and I can see that it's freaking you out right now. I'm sorry about that, I really am. But I'm not here because I wanna be a bitch and ruin your life or anything. I just…"

She paused, staring at the glass in her hands. Frank didn't know what to say so he kept his mouth shut. She looked back up, slightly desperate.

"He's already a first grader now and he's noticed that most other kids his age has got two parents. He's asking questions and I – well, what am I supposed to tell him? That I don't know for sure who his father is? I can't tell him that. I wasn't sure what to do, but I – I figured I'd visit you –" She closed her eyes momentarily, like she was embarrassed, before finishing the sentence: "I figured I'd visit you first."

The words coming out of her mouth were like snatched out from the middle of a sentence, jumbled and hesitant, even though they made perfect sense grammatically. Her voice quivered and she bit her lip. A couple of tears were too quick for her and made their way down her cheeks; she quickly brushed them away with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry," she said, looking down.

"Besides me..." Frank began, shifting awkwardly on the spot. "Who else did you, uh... have in mind?"

"God, this sounds so horrible now." She closed her eyes again, taking a deep breath. "Okay, I've spent ages going over this, and I hope I didn't get all the math wrong, but you're honestly the one who fits the time frame. I'm not gonna say anything for certain though," she added quickly. "I don't remember everything one hundred percent. It's you or it's not. A paternity test is all it takes, but... you don't have to say yes. I just figured I'd try."

Frank sighed heavily, pulling his palms across his face and leaving his vision blurry. For a moment all he wanted to do was to tell her that she couldn't just show up like that with a kid on her arm and drop such a bomb, but then he realized it wouldn't really make much of a difference. He looked at the boy sitting on the floor; when he'd stared into his face it was no denying that it had been just like staring at his own childhood. It had almost been the same as looking at a photograph of himself hanging on the fridge in his parents' kitchen; just on pure looks alone he got punched deep in his gut by a feeling that told him that this child could actually be his. For some reason he'd always believed he could just do whatever he wanted when he was younger; he'd escape the past anyway, but apparently he'd been more careless back then than he'd thought. He absently made a mental note about choosing his words carefully when talking to Mrs. Crimbleton in the future; it turned out she wasn't as senile as he liked to think. When she'd mentioned the girl who was looking for him it was obvious she had been talking about Lisa.

"So… What happens if he is mine?" he asked; the words were slow and sticky to get out, clinging to his tongue, as if it was hard and unnatural for him to say them.

Lisa shrugged one of her shoulders slightly, her hands still cupped around her untouched glass of water.

"That's kinda up to you, isn't it? It's not like you left us or even knew anything about it, so I'm not gonna force any responsibility on you. Like I said, I'm not trying to turn your life around; I'm not after child support and… well, I'm not after you," she added, smiling sheepishly. "I know I should've come here much sooner, but I just figured… if it turned out you actually had a son, wouldn't you wanna hear about it from his Mom now, rather than having him show up on your door twenty years from now?"

He had never thought about it like that. Then again, he'd never imagined he'd ever have a reason to think like that. Still he nodded slowly, staring absently at the MTV-show. Some awkward, unpopular teenager was on a one week mission to become a rock star. So far he wasn't doing very well. Frank felt like he was undergoing some drastic, staggering changes himself; he just wasn't sure which way.

"I don't want him to get angry with me one day either," she continued, "because I never tried to find his Dad. It's selfish of me, I know, but the older he gets, the more he'll want to know. I think he deserves to know that he's got a father out there too, even though his situation's different." She hesitated. "I thought you deserved to know."

"Yeah," Frank said quietly, "I get that. But how are you gonna tell him? If it really is me, I mean. What're you gonna say to him?"

"I'll find a way to explain, one way or another," Lisa replied, trying to sound reassuring. "He'll understand. And he's easier to deal with now than I guess he'll be when he's a teenager anyway, so... I'll just have to make it a good explanation."

She stared absently at the TV, her expression letting him know that in reality, she wasn't sure how she was supposed to do that.

Frank suddenly knew all too well that he wouldn't be able to turn her request down. For one, he didn't want the bad conscience that would follow if he did, but he knew he'd also be killing himself with doubt if he refused, having to think about it for the majority of his life, and possibly regretting it. Maybe it sounded like the last thing on earth that he wanted to get involved with; he couldn't even picture himself fathering a child, but sometimes attitudes and feelings show the tendency to change. Who knew? Either way, he felt like he had to give it a shot.

"How… How do you do a paternity test anyway?" he asked.

"I have a kit at home," she said hopefully. "I bought it at Walmart. You send a spit sample to a lab; that's all. You get the results by email after five days or so. I can take care of everything, that's not a problem… I just need a sample."

Frank continued to stare at the TV-screen. The young rock star was getting a makeover now, having his hair cut and dyed, his wardrobe changed. He didn't look too bad. Caden was starting to get restless, repeatedly looking over his shoulder at his Mom, an impatient expression resting upon his face.

At last, Frank stole a glance at Lisa. Yeah, she had most definitely changed a lot over the past few years. There was nothing left of the beat down, wannabe-suicidal teenage girl he'd hung out with, not even a trace. That girl seemed to be oceans away, left in her own drunk and hazy part of the past. That alone should be a good enough reason to do what she asked of him; she seemed to have pulled herself together one hundred percent, and she was finally facing the consequences of what she'd done. In a way he both admired and envied that.

"Alright," he nodded, taking a deep breath. "I'll do it."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Tonight, if possible; I'm leaving for work in a few days and I'll be gone for a week or so. The sooner, the better."

For a moment, Lisa looked at him with disbelief, clearly having expected that he would turn her down in the end. Then her face broke into a genuinely relieved smile.

"Of course," she nodded eagerly, slightly breathless. "Of course. I'll drop Caden off with my parents and then I'll be back." She reached forward and put her hand on his arm, squeezing it lightly. "You have no idea how much this means to me, Frank. Thank you."

***

The next day, Lisa called to tell him that the DNA-samples had been sent off to the laboratory, and Frank gradually started to feel extremely restless, more than he'd ever felt before. The strangest thing was how everything in his surroundings also seemed to remind him that he had good reason to be restless. He couldn't watch TV because the only thing that seemed to be on were shows about teenage Moms and child disciplining; even the most frequent commercials had the tendency to be about diapers, baby powder, baby food and toys, and if they weren't, they most definitely included a child just about Caden's age, eating Oreos or opening a Kinder Egg. He could hardly turn on the computer because he'd always end up constantly struggling against himself, trying not to Google facts and articles about paternity tests, fatherhood and child development, and he couldn't even read a paper or a magazine without stumbling across some ad which depicted a kid that reminded him of Caden. Not even forcing himself to think about Gerard seemed to help; he'd been shoved to the very back of his mind and there it seemed like he had decided to stay.

He still had two days left before he had to be back on the ship, and there was no other place he'd rather be, considering the situation, but worrying about it all by himself wasn't going to help him much. So in the end he called Lisa, offering to take her and the kid out for dinner; he figured if he just got to know them both a little better, things might make more sense. That was the only sensible thing his brain could come up with anyway.

"But it's not gonna get any classier than Pizza Hut, just so you know," he said over the phone.

"That's perfect," she laughed. "Pizza Hut is our favorite. Thank you," she added, sounding wholeheartedly grateful, "I really appreciate it."

They decided on the Pizza Hut closest to Caden's school and agreed to meet there as soon as Lisa had picked him up. Frank showed up a little early, and as he stood there passing the time with a cigarette, absently watching the afternoon rush unfold in front of him, he spotted a bus with an Envision ad applied onto its side. The company's slogan, Envision it, now live it, was looming in big, proud letters above a photo of the easily recognizable Envision Destiny. He followed the bus with his eyes until it disappeared at the end of the street, eventually concealed by a large, rumbling Coca Cola truck that swung onto the road. He realized again how much he missed the ship, despite his short shore leave. It didn't matter how new he was in his job; it didn't feel right to be on land anymore. He had to get back to the sea, that's where he was supposed to be.

Frank kept staring after the bus, even though it was long gone. Would that change if it turned out he had a son? How much did he understand; how much had actually started to sink in? Right now, standing outside this particular Pizza Hut, could he really fathom how much his entire life would change if he possibly became a father?

Hey, what about Gerard? his mind echoed. There was a momentary flutter in his stomach when that thought randomly crossed his mind. Then it quickly died away; someone called his name from across the street and he forgot all about it. He looked up and saw Lisa waving at him, holding Caden by the hand and carrying a blue and red Transformers backpack over her shoulder. The boy had seemed to have spotted him long ago; he was jumping restlessly up and down on the spot as they waited for the walk sign, eager to cross the street.

"I'm so sorry you had to wait!" she apologized when they reached him, sounding out of breath and looking very flustered. "Someone on the evening shift was running late and they made me stay another twenty minutes. I had to call the school and ask if Caden could stay in the classroom or something until I could get there, I didn't want him to wait on the street all alone, and when they finally let me go the bus was taking ages because of the traffic. God, I'm so very sorry."

"No, it's okay," he assured her, laughing a little, "don't worry about it." Frank tilted his head and looked down at Caden, who was now beaming back at him instead of looking suspicious. "Hey, little man," he said, "you ready to beat me at pizza eating?"

"Yeah!" the boy nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, my gosh, he's been looking forward to this all day," Lisa admitted. "Could hardly sit still in class, could you?"

"I bet you're both starving; I know I am," Frank grinned. "Let's eat!"

***

When they had finished their meal, Caden immediately disappeared inside the kids' playroom. The boy turned out to be the kind of child who was quite a handful, once he got over his initial shyness. He talked nonstop about everything and nothing, and he was hardly able to sit still and eat his food, his feet constantly kicking and his attention constantly wandering. Frank's head was undeniably a little relieved that he was off playing somewhere else for a while.

"So you work on a cruise ship these days, huh?" Lisa asked him, bringing up a topic that they hadn't had the chance to talk about yet.

"Yeah, I work for Envision," he nodded, playing absently with the straw in his Coke, stirring the ice cubes around. "I'm stationed on the Destiny cruise for now, at the bars mostly. Not that I'm the actual bartender or anything. I guess you could say I'm the bartender's bitch. I've only been employed for a week though, so that's not really a huge surprise."

"I see," she laughed. "Well, the rookie is always the one dealing with all the crap, right? It sounds like the kind of job where you can advance once you get the ball rolling though. I bet you'll make a great bartender someday, Frank," she added, smiling.

"Yeah… I don't know about that. But I'm planning on staying there for a while. At least I've finally found a job where I don't have this immediate urge to start a riot," he joked. "What about you, where do you work?"

"Oh, I just wait tables at a vegan restaurant downtown," she shrugged. "It's okay, but not very lucrative, so I'm looking for an extra job. It's just hard to find something that's both decent and worth the bother."

"Do you have time to hold down two jobs?" Frank asked, even though he already knew the answer to that.

"No, I don't," she said, flashing him a weak smile. "Not at all. I'm planning on going back to college so I can finish my education and hopefully get a job with better pay. I know there are part-time courses where it'll only take you about two years to finish. I just need to afford it, which requires that I work extra, but then I won't have time to study. That's the main problem. It's a little ironic."

"You know, I can't even imagine how you've managed to deal with this, with… everything." He looked at her, slightly amazed. "You must've had your hands full. And at our age that sort of thing usually sucks."

She took a deep breath and looked around briefly, as if what she was about to say next needed some consideration, just so she got her facts straight.

"Yeah, well… I was having a baby. For the first time in my life, something I did actually had consequences that I couldn't run away from; I just had to deal with it. I considered getting an abortion to begin with, but obviously I couldn't do it. It just seemed too easy, if you know what I mean? I'd never forgive myself anyway and honestly, I'm so glad I didn't do it. Having Caden just changed me completely; I stopped wasting my life, I decided to take high school more seriously, and he's even brought me closer to my parents. They've helped me out a lot; they still do." She looked down, laughing. "You know, I thought my Dad was going to kick me out. He kinda did, actually."

"What?" Frank stared at her. "Your folks kicked you out?"

"Yeah, I got kicked out," she nodded, a little amused. "But not like that. They just really wanted me to graduate and even though my Dad was freaking out, it's thanks to him that everything went so well. He decided to get me on an alternative program, you know, for pregnant teens? Since that was at another school I was so against it, he pretty much had to carry me out in the car. God, I was causing so much drama that day, but I'm glad he forced me. Now he's the proudest grandfather out there."

Lisa turned her head in the direction of the playroom, grinning widely when she spotted her son. They waved at each other and Frank couldn't help but smile. He could tell that she was absolutely right; she had changed thanks to Caden, and she was grateful for it.

"I'm not gonna lie though," she admitted. "This wasn't exactly the kind of life I had in mind. I wish I didn't have to worry about money all the time, and I wish I didn't have to drop my kid off with my parents as often as I do. I definitely wish I'd been more responsible so I could have prepared myself and given him a better life. Caden's teachers keep telling me that he's mature for his age, that he's very bright and ahead of the rest of his class, and I'm never sure how I'm supposed to respond to that. I'm awfully proud, of course, but I don't know if I have the resources to actually encourage that. On top of everything I feel like Caden knows, sometimes he just acts like he does. You know, he only called me 'Mommy' for the first four years of his life. 'It's gonna be okay, Mom', he keeps telling me now."

She smiled again, before it gradually faded. Her hands were playing absently with a paper napkin, and she had directed a glassy, thoughtful stare at the leftover pizza.

"Sometimes… it's like he really wants to assure me that everything's under control. And because he hasn't even turned seven yet, it makes me feel a little bad. He's a kid; he shouldn't have to worry about that."

Lisa shook her head slightly, pulling herself out of her thoughts, and looked back up at Frank. She threw her hands halfway up in the air, shrugging.

"But that's just how it is. It'll have to change sooner or later. And if you look at the big picture it doesn't seem so bad; I have an amazing kid and we get by. Besides, I've never had child services standing outside my door so I guess I'm doing something right," she added jokingly.

While listening to her story, Frank had stopped stirring the melting ice cubes in his glass and was now just staring thoughtfully at her. A part of him felt sorry for her, but most of all he was awed.

"Okay, wow," he said at last. "I swear that you're like superwoman, or something."

"No, come on," she giggled, a hint of blushing pink filling her face. "I had to grow the fuck up, that's all."

The conversation died for a brief moment. Lisa was clutching the napkin in her hand, curling it up into a tight ball.

"Frank, listen," she began awkwardly, "I feel really bad about everything." She hesitated, shifting uncomfortably in her seat. "I thought about you a lot after I changed schools and I always had my suspicions that you might be Caden's father. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner; if I'd done it right away we could have settled things then, but… I don't know. I guess I was afraid of how you'd react. In the end it just turned out like this. It feels horrible to be barging into your life and turning things upside-down and –"

"Uhm, hello?" Frank interrupted her, shaking his head incredulously. "You're talking about the teenage version of me. Seriously – don't you remember how fucked up I was back then? I was one of the worst, if not the worst. And I know what you're getting at, I really do, but I honestly think you've been doing the right thing all along. I bet the Frank back then would have freaked out and been the biggest douche ever. I would have straight out blamed you, saying you'd scarred me for life or some shit like that. It took me a lot longer to pull myself together, and even at this point I still feel pretty new at this grown-up thing. So don't worry about it," he assured her, and he felt that he meant it too, that it wasn’t something he was just saying to make her feel better. "I'm not angry with you, if that's what you think. If I was, I wouldn't have agreed to do that test. We wouldn't even be sitting here right now."

A look of relief seemed to settle around Lisa; her shoulders appeared to drop, her eyes didn't look so worried, her lips not so tight. It was like she could finally relax a little. Caden came running towards them in that moment, looking excited, and interrupted their conversation.

"Mom – look what I made!" he shouted, proudly holding up some kind of colorful figure made out of Legos.

"Wow, sweetie, I love it!" Lisa replied, reaching out to caress his dark brown hair. "Is this another robot?"

"An autobot, Mom," Caden said matter-of-factly, correcting her. "It's Optimus Prime," he went on, in a tone that indicated that it was the most obvious thing the world.

"Oh, right, I’m sorry," she apologized, sending Frank an amused wink, "an autobot, of course."

"Here, let me have a closer look at what you got there, buddy," Frank requested, extending his hand. "Oh yeah," he continued, holding the Lego figure carefully, like it was an actual living, breathing thing, "this is Optimus Prime, I can totally see that. And you really made this?"

"Uh-huh," the boy nodded again, beaming proudly. "All by myself. I've made lots of them."

"Really? Well, you're a pretty good at it, Caden," he said, handing the figure back to him. "If Optimus Prime himself saw this I bet he'd be real impressed."

The six year old fell silent and looked thoughtfully at him for a little while, before asking bluntly: "Are you Mom's boyfriend now? Because I think that'd be great."

The table turned quiet for a couple of slow seconds. Frank stared at him, surprised at the statement that seemed to have been snatched completely out of nowhere. For a fleeting moment he started wondering just how much kids actually observed and understood. Hesitatingly, he opened his mouth while frantically searching for a suitable reply, but before he could say anything, Lisa cut in and saved him.

"Okay, Caden, I think that's enough," she said, softly but sternly, reaching out and turning him gently around. "Now you put that back in the playroom and check that you didn't forget anything in there. Go."

"Oh, my God, I'm so sorry about that," she said as she watched him run back. She glanced at Frank, pulling a face. "But once you get him going he can be so straightforward and talkative, he'll just blurt out with anything he sees fit."

"No, it's okay, I just… I totally understand," Frank stuttered, still surprised. He shrugged slightly, and without thinking he added: "I was pretty talkative too when I was a kid."

He realized what he was about to say when he was halfway in the sentence, but it was too late to stop; the rest of the words trailed happily out of his mouth on their own, like they were nothing but impostors using his voice. An awkward, short silence filled the space between them. Lisa appeared to be recollecting her thoughts as well as herself, but before she could say anything to replace the silence Frank had created, Caden came running back, and dinner was officially over.