Envision The Magic [Frerard] [By innocent_wolves on LJ]

Chapter Ten

[A/N: For Frank_Iero_, because you are gonna be flipping shizz. XD]

The day he finally found himself back on the Destiny, Frank couldn't think about anything but the phone call he was expecting from Lisa. He could hardly wrap his mind around whatever else he was doing. As he checked his cell phone over and over again for any missed calls, he kept thinking that she should have gotten the test results by now; she should have called ages ago. Why was it taking so long?

He was completely absorbed in his thoughts when he walked through the half-empty ship, running small errands for the bartenders and getting things ready for the guests who were soon going to embark. He didn't even take the time to treasure the feeling of being back in his right element. On his very first day aboard he'd spent ages just savoring the fresh smell of coffee that reached him when he walked past the coffee bars, and he'd promised himself that he would never tire of that. This time however he didn't pay any attention to it. He was too absent-minded to listen to the soft clinking of cutlery in the dining room as the tables were set, and to the waiters quietly quarreling between themselves over table decorations and napkins. The place held the same kind of quiet and subtly busy atmosphere you'd find in airports early in the morning or late at night, just minutes before a tremendous rush of people were expected. Frank didn't notice; he was lost in his own world. His mind seemed to be left on land somewhere.

In the end he realized that he was starting to forget what he was supposed to be doing, and he spent a moment to mentally shake himself, making his way back to the world that was here and now. He randomly picked up a free copy of the Envision brochure to help him get his mind onto another track that wasn’t heading for possible parenthood. That's when he noticed that the entertainment section looked very different. A more thorough look confirmed that it had been considerably altered; the main attraction was now some kind of acrobatic circus company. What about Gerard's show? He wasn't mentioned anywhere at all. He frowned, searching through the rest of the booklet but couldn't find anything about him.

Frank's heart was gradually pumping harder and harder as he slowly leafed through the brochure one more time, thinking he might have overlooked something. He stubbornly ignored the little voice inside his head even though he knew it was right; if Gerard was mentioned in it, it wouldn’t be possible to overlook. He wasn't exactly the kind of guy you just mentioned in a small note without a considerably larger, flashy picture attached to it.

He looked helplessly around, as though he might show up if he actively kept an eye out for him. Of course, Gerard didn't turn up, and as the week progressed Frank could eventually confirm one thing; that he wasn't aboard the Envision Destiny at all.

***

"Hey, Jill, whatever happened to The Great Gerardo?" Frank asked casually one night, as they were preparing to close the Colossus bar; they were quickly nearing the end of his second week now and he was proud to realize that he had already arrived at a complete stop when it came to destroying glassware; no more accidents and no more butterfingers.

He was consciously making a little fun of him, trying not to sound too curious, just that he was simply throwing a random question out there. Jill put down the ice bucket she was emptying.

"That's actually a good question," she replied, frowning. "I honestly don't know, to tell you the truth. I haven't seen him."

"You mean Gerard Way?"

Kevin, the other bartender, had overheard their conversation. Frank nodded, trying not to look too hopeful.

"Well, I heard he got transferred to another cruise, actually. I think he's on one of the Culture ships now or something. Ice, most likely."

"Ice?" Jill repeated, a short, disbelieving laugh accompanying her surprised face. "Ice has got a long way to go before it reaches the same standard as Destiny. The Culture ships in general aren't really Gerard's type anyway, they're way too boring for him. Even an Adventure ship would be better," she added. "They're at least a lot noisier. Can't see why they'd send him there."

"You're right, I haven't got a clue why he's not here," Kevin shrugged. "This is our flagship, after all. But I'm thinking that the company just wanted to change up on Destiny's entertainment section and draw more attention to their other liners, since this one's doing so well, I mean. If you ask me he'll probably be back pretty soon; I know some of our regulars have been wondering about his whereabouts. They think it's ridiculous that he's not here anymore."

Of course they do, they're all in love with him, Frank thought, but didn't get to comment on it before his cell phone started vibrating in his pocket. His heart skipped a beat, as if waiting for a special phone call that never came eventually made him forget all about it, and when it actually came it nearly startled him to death. He threw a glance at the caller-ID and saw Lisa's name flashing at him. He excused himself, walking away from the bar with tense shoulders and a wildly beating heart. It almost made him want to embrace his own body and just curl up around his cell phone.

"Hey, Frank," Lisa's voice said. "It's me."

"Hey, Lisa, how are you?" he asked, resisting the urge to speed up and fast-forward the conversation. He decided to stick with being polite.

"Great," she replied, before she adjusted it considerably with a: "Just fine." There was a slight pause. "How are you?" she eventually added.

"I'm okay," he said, which was true; he was just okay. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe a little less, if he had to choose.

"So, listen," Lisa began hesitantly, and Frank straightened up, his heart picking up its pace, "I'm sorry it took me so long to get to you, but it's been real hectic at work lately. Anyway, I got the results now."

"Yeah? And?" He could hardly utter the words; his mouth had gone dry in an instant. His heartbeats echoed through his head, their volume turned up so much it was almost hurting him physically.

"Frank – Caden… Caden's ours," she replied, and judging from her voice it sounded like she decided it was best she didn't delay it any longer. "You're his Dad."

Frank immediately slumped against the wall; it caused him great amount of effort to keep himself from meeting the carpeted floor face first. His knuckles whitened around his cell phone, his hand squeezing it tightly against his ear. A buzzing sound filled his head and it was like having his breath mentally knocked out of him. He pinched the root of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut, just to make sure that he was still breathing. Nonetheless, the buzzing remained.

"Frank? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, sorry, I'm here. Uhm, are – are you sure?"

"Well, these tests are supposed to be reliable, so I'm pretty certain. I guess we can do another one, just in case, but… looks to me like you've officially become a father." Lisa paused. "I'm so sorry," she added, guilt clearly audible in her voice, and he could tell that she'd been dreading delivering the news to him.

"No," Frank replied quickly, "no, don't say that. Don't be sorry, okay, I didn't mean it like that. Caden's an awesome kid but I… I'm just surprised. And that's putting it mildly. I need some time for… well, everything to sink in. I guess you can never be too prepared for something like this."

"You knew he was yours all along, didn't you?" she asked, after yet another short pause, stating a fact more than she was asking a question. "I think you knew from the moment you first saw him. There was just something about you that… I don't know how to explain it. You just knew, even though you didn't completely understand what it all meant."

"Yeah," Frank nodded to himself, sighing a little. "Yeah, maybe I did. But… fuck. I've got a kid. Holy crap. I'm kinda in shock here."

They eventually said their goodbyes after he promised he would call her up again later, once he'd managed to collect his thoughts. They seemed to be scattered all over the place right now. He had no idea how long it would take for him to get them all under control so he could start to fully realize what had just happened to his life.

"Frank, what's the matter?" Jill asked the moment he came back. He was trying not to look too shaken up but obviously he wasn't doing a very good job. "It looks like you've just received some really bad news. Are you okay?"

"Uhm, yeah," he stammered, "I mean, no – uh, I mean, yes. Yes, I'm okay, I'm good, but I got…"

He forced himself to shut up, letting out a shaky, slightly frustrated laugh; now he was just standing there stringing together words that didn't fit. It only made him sound like a complete idiot.

"Okay. I didn't get bad news, and it’s a really, really long story, but – well, to make it short; I have just…"

He stopped again, tasting the words before he uttered them, and he caught himself shaking his head in a moment’s surprise; suddenly it was like things were finally starting to make sense to him.

"I have just become a Dad."

***

It took him a while, but Frank realized how quickly he could get used to one specific thought, one particular change. Later, as the months came and went, passing in their ever changing cloaks of rain, frying sunlight and humid winds, he found out how quickly he could make an entirely new situation feel like a natural part of his life. It was like he was getting in touch with how it was really like being human, as though he just had to look inwards and truly discover his impressive ability to adapt, an ability that had been passed down to him through millions of years of evolution. He wasn't living the same life as before, it had gone through some drastic changes, but he soon found that it wasn't really a problem. He was okay with the recent turn of events; all he had to do was to just make it his new life. After all, life always has a funny tendency to go on no matter what.

When it came to his job, he'd finally started to regard himself as a regular employee on the cruise. He left and he came back; he spent half a week at home, sometimes more, and then he left again. It wasn't like most other jobs, but he liked it. Besides, his days were starting to fill up with routines and that was something new to him. He'd used to be terrified of routines, afraid it would make him boring and ordinary, but they didn't change him at all; on the contrary they were actually pretty useful. He had no idea that routines could feel so safe.

Jill had extended her recommendations to the management. If he did a good job for the next few months, they would consider if anything could be gained by sending him on a six month bartending course on the company's expenses. He might fail and prove himself worthless at tending a bar professionally, but having completed a course like that would at least look good on his résumé. If anything, it would be worth the experience; Frank definitely wouldn't mind.

He thought he was doing a good job already; he was picking up tricks and techniques, becoming more efficient by the day. He was growing both in independence and in confidence, and his hands were as steady as rocks when it came to handling trays, bottles and other glassware. He realized he was even memorizing recipes, almost automatically, especially after Jill had started to let him mix a few simple drinks from time to time under her supervision. However, as of lately, he'd found himself more inside the show room than behind the bar. He was in there so often that he would refer to himself as a cruise ship waiter when people asked him what his job was.

But all that was just the trivial stuff. The biggest difference in Frank's life was the fact that he had a son now. He didn't know what Lisa had told Caden or how she'd managed to explain the situation to him, but then again it didn’t seem like the kid needed any formal introductions. He appeared to adjust surprisingly well to the fact that he suddenly had a father in his life; it was as if Frank's presence in itself was proof enough for him. Despite his mature behavior he was still a child; he was typically trusting and happy-go-lucky. Frank almost envied that about him and he wished adults could be more like that sometimes; just as long as a safe feeling was accounted for it was okay for things to happen "just like that". Unconditional and childish trust. Frank wished he could adopt that way of thinking, even though it probably was a little too naïve for the world of grown-ups.

At first, unexpectedly becoming a parent felt very awkward. He wasn't quite sure what he really thought about it and sometimes he just had too many feelings to keep in check; it was hard to make them compute. In many ways it had been easier to address Caden when the test results were still unknown. Back then he'd just been "Lisa's kid". It wasn't until his son suddenly came to him and asked when he would be back from work that Frank really felt he was able to rid himself of his awkwardness.

"Mom's got a calendar in the kitchen," Caden explained to him. "And I wanna know when you'll be back so I can put a circle around that day. Mom said I could keep a countdown if I wanted. She has a red pen that I can borrow, but I had to promise that I'd be careful so I wouldn't get any ink on my clothes." His voice dropped slightly, like he was about to say something that was both important and secret. "Ink won't always go off when you wash it."

So every morning Caden would cross out the blank dates with a sharpie, eventually getting closer and closer to the one with a red circle around it. It was strangely touching that he was eager to keep track of him like that. It told him that the boy actually missed him while he was away. That was the one gesture Frank really needed.

He had to admit that now that he was spending so much time with his new family, there was a big part of him that absolutely loved fatherhood. That surprised him; he hadn't imagined it would prove to be such a big deal, but whenever he looked at Caden he could feel how his face automatically broke into a smile. It never failed, no matter what his current mood was. The boy was like a miracle cure for sadness. Maybe they'd been strangers to each other for almost seven years, but still there was unmistakably a bond present. Eventually Caden stopped calling him Frank and started referring to him as "Dad", an automatic transition that just happened, and it filled him with a sense of pride he'd never felt before. Not even his hardheaded parents had too many negative thoughts on the new situation. Of course he'd received his usual share of criticism, that was just the kind of people they were, but considering that they hadn't exactly been overjoyed about becoming grandparents to begin with, they were warming up to the role remarkably fast. That was definitely because of no other reason but Caden alone, and the fact that he was impossible not to love.

And that particular feeling of love was a little strange. All his life Frank had only been thinking about his own well-being, putting his own feelings and needs first. This was the first time where he'd let all that go, and he found out that he was more than okay with that. He wasn't just fond of the kid anymore; he genuinely loved him. He was his son, his own flesh and blood. He'd helped a human being into existence and now he was going to help prepare him for life itself. That was something entirely else, something very hard to beat. It changed something inside him that he didn't even know was there, and the world would always look a little bit different than it had before.

Still, lurking around in a deeply hidden part of him, there was some doubt. Regardless of how well it was concealed, that doubt was just strong enough to be felt. He knew all too well that he couldn't actually live with them; Frank couldn't stay with them and play house. Because that's exactly how it would turn out; it would be nice, they could grow used to it, but it would all be pretend. He didn't have any romantic feelings for Lisa, and the more time he spent with her he knew that she didn't either. Like she'd said; she hadn't showed up because of him. Sometimes he still noticed that she really wanted to feel something; at times she even seemed to make an honest attempt at digging out a feeling that was somewhere beyond friendly, but he could tell that she couldn't. On many occasions, Frank had given it an honest try as well but he always gave up, arriving at the same conclusion every time; the two of them would never work out, not like that. They were friends and that was it. Anything past that point felt wrong and awkward. Sometimes he simply wished they could grow into loving each other and that his feelings would change gradually, just for the sake of giving Caden a normal family, but that was impossible. Frank couldn't sacrifice himself entirely; he had to consider what was fair to everyone and that included his own well-being. Besides, no one could force love; the strategy could work but he didn't want to be unhappy. The three of them were perfect the way they were, he just wasn't sure if that would be enough in the long run. It was a situation that was hard to explain.

Another part of his doubt was also rooted in Gerard and in the ever returning hope that he would show up again at one point. Frank didn't like to admit that he was waiting for him, but as time passed, there was still no sign of him. It was just like he'd disappeared for good during one of his own magic tricks; stepped into a box and gone missing. Eventually, when he hadn't seen him for nearly five months, Frank realized that the thoughts he used to have about him didn’t cross his mind all that often anymore, which felt a little strange. Right after he found out he was gone it took him a while to just accept the mere fact that constantly thinking about him would distract him in his work. He tried not to speculate about whether or not Gerard had known about his own transfer back then; maybe it had been a sudden decision by the company, maybe it had all been arranged and taken care of while Frank was on his shore leave. Maybe it had been just as surprising for Gerard as it had been for him. Either way, he couldn't help but wonder if he would have acted differently had he only known that he was going away. If he knew he wasn't coming back to the Destiny, then maybe he would have said something else to him outside the café, or out on the deck that night in the rain. Maybe he would have genuinely apologized. Just been nice, for a change.

Frank wasn't so sure about that. In the end it all boiled down to speculations and the extra questions that followed only made his head hurt. It was enough for him having to deal with all those other things that kept reminding him about the missing magician. They worked like quick triggers, like someone was mentally tapping him on the shoulder or nudging his ribs. He couldn't escape those. Whenever a new show poster was put up outside The Colossus it was always graced by somebody else's face, or some other completely different act. It was strange not having Gerard's card trick photo there to lock your gaze and stare you down, the familiar mischief in his eyes easily cutting through the glossy surface. Whenever someone came up to the bar and ordered a Manhattan, Frank had to resist the urge to remind the bartender to take an extra cherry and have it resting on the brim of the cocktail glass, just like Gerard liked it. During intermissions, Frank almost automatically expected him to appear in the lobby, joining his audience and basking in their admiration, even though he already knew that somebody else had taken his place. He also couldn't help but find it a little amusing when he noticed that none of them drew quite as much attention as Gerard had done.

To begin with there had been a lot of those reminders, following him around and refusing him to forget. But time passed, as inevitable as ever, and after all Frank had other things to think about now. Soon he hardly thought about Gerard at all.