Confessions of Jane

Confession #17 : I lose my mind

****Happy new year update!!!***

Days turned into weeks, weeks turn into months but its all a blur. I haven't seen or heard from Joel.

I mean yeah the phone works both ways and I haven't tried to contact him at all but I'm stubborn and I miss him.

The first couple of weeks I spent staring at the wall in my room and only getting up for the bathroom. The only problem with that is I forgot how to eat.

Week three rolled around and someone finally showed up.

*one month ago*

I was in the middle of a peaceful nap until I heard my window being yanked up. I was freaked out but realized that I was becoming too weak to move at all.

This is it my death, caused by a stranger and lack of mobility.

It wasn't until after I heard Justin's curses from him tumbling out of my window did I realize I might not die.

"Justin?" I say in a scratchy voice, ew I'm pretty positive that's the first time I talked in three weeks.

"Jane Doe are you okay? What's going on I haven't seen or heard from you in weeks" Justin said sounding worried.

"Nothing" I said but then ended up coughing cause my voice is still scratchy.

Justin came and sat next to me on the floor.

I probably look like a mental person. I'm sitting against the wall in a dirty old long black tshirt with old socks and no pants. I haven't showered in weeks so I'm sure my hair is insane and I'm pretty positive that I lost ten pounds. Not a pretty sight.

"Jane let me help you" Justin said lacing his fingers with mine.

I nodded my head because yeah I did need help.

Justin scooped me up in his arms and laid me on my bed, then he left and I heard the water turn on.

He came back and took me to the shower. He stripped me of my old dirty clothes and helped me wash my hair.

"Justin could you um go make me some toast and coffee? I think I got this" I said with a small smile.

Justin nodded and left me.

I decided to shave and scrub every inch of my body. God I'm a horrible person.

I scrubbed until all my skin was beat red and finally decided to get out and put on some new clean clothes.

Once I was dressed in some comfy sweatpants with a long sleeve grey shirt I slowly made my way downstairs to find Justin cleaning my kitchen and a plate of toast and eggs with some coffee.

"Eat" Justin said nodding to the plate of food.

I pulled up the stool and ate a couple bites of my toast and some eggs but it didn't sit right with my stomach and I rush to the bathroom and puke out the little amount of food I ate.

"God Jane what the hell is going on?!" Justin said while holding back my wet clean hair.

"It's nothing" I say sitting on the ground against the toilet after flushing it.

"Bullshit Jane doe" Justin said with an angry frown on his face.

He tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear while searching my eyes for some answers. There's nothing there. I'm losing it.

"I'm losing my mind" I say with a frown.

Juatin picks me up and brings me to the couch. He brings me my coffee and a new piece of plain white toast.

"You need to try and hold something down Jane"

"I can't"

"You can, you have to"

I pick up the toast and take tiny bites with my coffee. Thankfully I finally got it all down without puking.

"Shit" Justin says checking his phone.

"I have to go Jane, I'll be back I promise."

I nodded my head with a weak smile and told him it's okay as he shut the door and left me alone.

Justin never came back.

*present*

It's been a month since I've talked to or seen anyone. I decided I needed to build up my strength again so I started eating small things here and there and going out for jogs.

Deciding to go get some fresh air I dressed in some leggings and a sports hoodie and walked to a nearby coffee shop.

On my way over I spotted Joel sitting in a booth at the coffee shop talking to a girl. She was gorgeous and had long brown hair. Joel spotted me staring and I quickly turned around.

God I miss him. But I can't let him destroy me more than I already am. I just started to get better. I can't handle this.

I began jogging but I soon heard someone running very fast and towards me.

Joel yanked my arm and pulled me in an ally way.

"Wow Joel is this the part where you beat me up and leave me to die?" I said with a smirk.

That was low but I need him gone. I can't think straight with him this close. He had me pinned against an old building and he was staring deep into my lifeless eyes.

"What happened Jane?"

"Nothing let me go" I said stubbornly.

"You're pale as a ghost and look like you lost 15 pounds, something is up"

"I'm fine"

"Don't lie to me" Joel said with an angry look squeezing my arms too tight.

"Damn it let me go Joel"

"Not until you tell me what's going on with you"

"I lost my mind" I said and pushed Joel away.

I ran as fast as I could to my house and slammed the door shut and collapsed by the door. I think I sat there for a day.

My phone went off over and over again but I left it untouched.

I need more time to pull myself together and gain some perspective. I know I want Joel. But I just don't know if I can handle all of it.

I know I sound like a brat but I'm afraid he'll get tired of me and leave me. Without him I'm so weak it's disgusting. I need to know that I can be okay with out him.

I mean I'm not scared of his past, I crave to know about him I love that he told me. Everyone has secrets his are just a little darker. I know he would never hurt me in an abusive way like that though.

I mean sometimes he can be a little rough but it's normally out of want or need and never hate.

I soon fell asleep against the door and woke up the next morning with the worst kink in my neck ever.