Love Me So I Don't Have To - COMPLETED

0.7

I'm angry. Always angry. I'm always angry about something.

The thing is, you can sit and have a conversation with me. You can spend the whole day with me. A whole week, even. And, yet, you still wouldn't be able to tell. Sometimes I forget.

I hold grudges like no tomorrow. I pick them up in cupped hands, hold them, and never let go for the life of me.

Unless I have an epiphany. That in itself is unlikely to happen. The thought could pop up in my head. I could consider it. I could think about that for a few minutes to a few months. Most of the time I drop the concept of forgiving like a hot coal.

Whenever I'm in a time where I feel weak and hopeless, I will accept whatever misfortune that came my way by someone else. Once that grace period is over, the chance of me developing a tough grudge is high.

Why do I have to be like this? Why am I so scared of forgiving? Why do I relentlessly insist on being angry towards people who have wronged me even once? Why do I constantly overanalyze how I have been mistreated even in the slightest and create possible reasons as to why the someone did it?

Why do I do this when I have done ill to so many others whom have trusted me? I am a goddamned hypocrite. Not to mention most of the ones I have wronged either have no clue or have forgiven me. That makes it all worse.

I'm angry towards myself for that. For simultaneously being a liar and someone who will tell the honest to God truth.

I'm angry about the fact that people forgive me.

I'm angry that I don't care at least 50% of the time when I do hurt someone.

I'm angry that I fuck things up a lot.

I'm angry about the thoughts I have. Thoughts about just dropping people in the most brutal way. About hurting people I actually care about.

I'm angry about basically having urges to hurt people.

I am angry about the fact that I can't tell if I want to hurt people physically or emotionally sometimes.

I am angry that I just want to let it all go and let go everything I have worked for thus far.

I'm basically angry at myself. At others, too, but mostly myself.